Sunday, October 01, 2017

Who Was At the Gas Station?

     So I went to the friendly local gas station in order to obtain fuel for my vehicle.  And as I was sitting there waiting for the pump to fill my tank, I was looking around at who was at the gas station with me, and it was the strangest crew.  So who exactly was at the gas station?

1.)  Me.  I am awesome.  But you already knew that.

2.)  The gas station attendant, whom we shall call Chad.  He always looks like he is worried when you first see him, but then once you start talking to him, he is really a pretty cool guy.  He got his limit of ducks today, and I am glad for him.

Golfer Greg Norman and his hat.
3.)  Bench Guy.  There was a guy just sitting on the bench in front of the gas station.  Just sitting there, which no one ever does except the woman who works there and really likes to smoke A LOT and apparently hates standing.  Anyway, he was wearing a hat like Greg Norman always used to wear for no apparent reason.  He might have been eating ice cream.  But that is not the point. Despite the fact that sitting on a bench eating ice cream is a totally reasonable and normal thing to do, it simply isn't generally done in front of a gas station.  In a park maybe.  Or at a bus stop.  But not in front of the gas station.  It was even stranger that he got up and left abruptly in his Lexus SUV when the Squirrely Guy left.  Like, not in a coincidental way, but in a very intentional type way.

4.)  The Squirrely Guy.  I did not see Squirrely Guy go into the store, but I saw him come out and it was 130% no good.  First of all, his first generation Ford Escape was parked in a manner that no one who goes to my gas station parks.  It is hard to explain but it was in the wrong spot and facing the wrong direction.  Based on the layout of the driveways and parking areas, you would have to either a.) consciously try to park like a dumbass in this place, or b.) make a really long chain of quesitonable decisions that led your vehicle to be stopped in that particular place at that angle in that direction.  I am going to assume that Squirrely Guy did the later. 
Seriously, who goes around holding their arm like this?
So he comes rolling out of the out door of the gas station and I am not even sure that I can describe it.  First off, he was holding his right arm like he had a broken or dislocated elbow, but I am pretty sure that he did not have a broken or dislocated elbow.  So he is slinking along the front of the building holding his arm in the weird way, and he keeps jerking his head back to look at Bench Guy.  He was sort of looking around harried in that way that a person who was wanted by the authorities would, but he was totally focusing on Bench Guy.  I have no idea what it was all about.  But when I saw Squirrely Guy I knew automatically that no good would come of him being anywhere near me.  Or my gas station.  Once he took off so did Bench Guy so I kind of assumed that one was about to sell drugs to the other, although I honestly couldn't tell who was selling to whom.

5.)  The PDA Couple.  I have seen the PDA couple hanging around the neighborhood all weekend.
  Yesterday, they walked past the Worldwide Headquarters down the road that no one walks down because it doesn't go anywhere.  They were holding hands then and they were again today.  They emerged from behind the Squirrely Guy's car and headed into the store.  Holding hands.  They are in their twenties as far as I can tell.  The girl is a petite blonde who dresses like you would expect a basic girl to dress in the fall: leggings, long flowing open sweater, but no Uggs, which was nice.  My very first impression was that she was high maintenance but upon further inspection I don't think that is true.  I assure you that she had pumpkin spice something withing the last 24 hours.  The guy was just like a normal, average guy.  T-shirt and jeans.  Like maybe he delivers produce to grocery stores or installs cable television in his normal life.  But they seemed to be in love.  I thought that they might be on vacation but then I saw the car.  A dilapidated 90s era Lincoln Continental, all beat to shit, with a donut on the tire and a really recent license plate.  They bought nothing but a 12 pack of Bud Light, which I suppose was to be suspected.  Once I saw them go rolling out in their hoopty ride, it all started to click.  I have a feeling that we aren't quite done with PDA Couple yet.

In and of themselves, the Bench Guy, the Squirrely Guy, and the PDA couple are not remarkable.  But put all together in one place, at one time, where none of them are regularly seen, and things got a little sideways awfully quickly at the gas station this afternoon.  It just had a really odd vibe, maybe not to Chad the attendant but to me it certainly did.  Although I never expect to see any of them again, excepting Chad and maybe 50/50 on the PDA couple, I can't help but think about where they are and what they are doing right now.  Are PDA Couple all drunk on Bud Light?  How is Squirrely Guy's elbow.  Did the drug deal go down okay?  Does Bench Guy's wife know about his bench lurking?  I guess that we will never know.  I just know that when we were all together at that one time at that one gas station, things got weird.  And they got weird fast.

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Not Quite All the Way to the Moon

     It may seem like a recent thing, but people have been loving others to the moon for a long time.  Maybe not always back, but to the moon at least.

Hidden inside of that clip, kind of around, behind and in spite of the blatant threats of domestic abuse, is the fact that Ralph Kramden, for as many times as he threatened to send Alice "to the moon," was way ahead of his time. Because now, everyone loves everyone to the moon and back, and I have no idea what the hell that means.
     Come on girls, this is a girl thing.  It has to be.  I typed it into the search bar on Pinterest and it came up with three hundred billion different results.  I typed into the search bar on and it brought up an article about Arsenio Hall getting a late night talk show.  So come on ladies, it is International Women's Day, help me out.  The Internet coughed up this tasty morsel for me:

Bullshit.  Nope.  I call something even more immense and significant that bullshit:

Nobody, absolutely nobody, thinks of that twenty miles of truck thing when they are posting on Facebook that they love their teenage son to the moon and back.  All they are thinking about is that is a really trendy phrase and that they love their kid. But it is becoming overused, and it is becoming cliche. Sorry, no accent marks.
    In reality, despite what random things on the internet might say (see above), they origin of the phrase is pretty simple as far as I can figure out.  The moon is a long ass ways away.  And when that first mom told that first five year old that she "loves you to the moon and back" it was the easiest way to make that little child understand the immensity of her love.  And it works great for that.  But your 22 year old daughter.  She knows a little bit more than just the moon.  So maybe let's use some grown up words and phrases.  Or old Ralphie boy will give it to you...POW! Right in the kisser.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Let Them Have VD

    So here we are, Company, sitting with one another on Valentine's Day.  And since we aren't out getting all googly-eyed and lovey dovey in some dimly lit restaurant that serves wine in those gigantic tub glasses, it would be easy for us to take one of two generally accepted tracks, and one new innovative one:

1.)  Get angry and disparage everything Valentine's Day and/or love and/or relationship related; or
2.)  Go on and on about the gruesome history of St. Valentine and mention the Valentine's Day Massacre at least twice; or
3.)   Memes.

Yeah, that is an easy choice.  Memes win every time.  But today, singles of the world, you should choose option number four:

4.)  Leave it be.

Yeah.  Leave it be.  Let the love folks have their day.  I know that it is easy to get butt hurt on Valentine's Day because it sucks when you are not in love but everyone around you is.  Or at least seems to be.  Every single radio or television advertisement, every aisle at Walgreens, your usual Build-A-Bear Workshop Station, are all constant reminders of your sad loneliness.
     But don't ruin it for all the people who wish to celebrate. You can't just hate something because you don't participate in it, that is regressive neanderthal thinking. By that thinking you would have to have Mardi Gras and the monsoon, assuming you don't live in a place which celebrates Mardi Gras or experiences the monsoon.  The point here, Company, is that they still deserve happiness, even if you can't experience it, because they aren't experiencing their happiness at your expense.  They are just experiencing it without including you.  Get over it.  Let them be in love.  That is what being a grown up is all about.  Get used to it.  Shit like that is probably why you are single, anyway.
     Wonderful.  Now, I am off to throw snowballs at happy couples as they come out from their Valentine's Day dinners.  Happy Valentine's Day!

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The Worst Kept Secrets

HOLY SHIT!  Do you guys remember Live Journal?  Cause I do, and that stuff was nuts.

     Every time I am presented with a situation in which someone is keeping a diary or journal, I am always tempted to do so myself.  It seems like such a great idea.  Then I remember that I am an award winning blogger, and I should just take the time to express my thoughts by writing my blog on a more regular basis.  But the two don't always jive, because what you don't come here to read, Company, is my innermost thoughts and feelings about the daily life and times of a media mogul. You want entertainment.  But I digress.  Back in the day, if you wanted a diary or journal that you could share with people all over the place you would use something called Live Journal.
     Live Journal was like someone took your personal diary - you know, the one which you keep under your pillow and which has that little easily picked key lock on it - and smashed it at high speed into the Internet.  It really was quite innovative, and aspects of it can be found here at the site that I use to create Big Dave and Company: Blogger, on Facebook, and in a number of other places around the Internet.  You had this community of friends who could see what you posted and vice versa, and whenever you put out an entry they could go read all about it.  It was pretty slick.
     Except back then the Internet was still sort of in its infancy, and so people weren't as quick to the uptake as they are today.  Exactly why one would want to take their diary - something which in written book form is usually kept hidden and often features a locking cover - and publish it for all to see is beyond me.  That is something that your family does posthumously after you die in your blaze of glory.  But people did because of reasons and it got them in trouble so often.  It was really easy, back in those Internet infancy days, to forget just how connected you suddenly had become, and people would go in their Live Journal forgetting that people could read it.  Or not understanding that stuff was out there once it was out there, and that it was discoverable.  So inevitably someone would find what you said about them, or the six degrees of Kevin Bacon would kick in and a mutual friend would rat you out and suddenly you had a social situation with your college roommate on your hand.
     What it turned out to be, in those early days of the Internet, was like moving into a small town when you have never lived in a small town before.  In a small town everyone is related somehow, and even if you are not related, everyone knows everyone, so it takes some time to get used to the fact that you have to be VERY careful about what you say.and who you say it around.  Eventually you figure out just to keep your mouth shut because it will always get back around.
     And so it was with Live Journal.  Eventually people figured it out (well, most people did) and it sort of evolved into more of a blog hosting site which was eventually sold off to the Russians.And with it all of our secrets.  Not national secrets, but all that gossip about who we like and how we can't believe what she did with her hair or did you hear about the skank you ex is dating now?  Those secrets.  Except they were the worst kept secrets around.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Fly Like an Eagle

    Right now, in places as far afield as Florida and Washington, D.C. and Wisconsin there are cameras which are set up, and streams provided on the Internet, for people to watch eagle eggs hatch.  There are laws and watch groups and guidelines set about to help preserve eagle nests.  There are towns and lakes and rivers both hither AND yon named after them, in addition to about 17 hundred thousand sports teams.  They are screaming, they are soaring, they are swooping, and just about every other "s" verb that one can think of.  They are on trucks and shirts and buildings and tattoos and belt buckles.  With all this in mind, I am going to take an unpopular stand: I don't give a shit about eagles.
This guy loves eagles quite a bit.
     Not that I want them to die or anything, I just don't share this enamored infatuation that everyone seems to have with them.  I mean, I understand why you feel this way, Company, I really do.  I mean, everything you have been told about life and science says that eagles are great.  They are the symbol of America, and America is great.  No it is, and it doesn't need to be "made great again" because it already is, okay?  They are the predators at the top of the food chain, they have big talons and they look pretty cool most of the time, what with their two-tone paint scheme and intelligent eyes.  I understand your bird crush, America.
     Your bird crush infatuation is a lot like your man crush on Tom Brady, though, and once you start to sort of peel away the layers of the rhetoric and majestic photos you will find that your precious eagles are not all that they seem to be.  Hell, even Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey as the national bird, and that guy knew what he was talking about.  He founded America and banged everyone in France.  Including Lady Liberty.
     First off, you aren't even all that infatuated with eagles as a whole, just bald eagles.  You don't care about other eagles, because I haven't seen a lot of web cams in golden eagle nests.  And if you saw a black eagle sitting on the side of the road you would probably scream "TEN POINTS" and swerve to hit it with your car.  You would also be in Asia because that is where black eagles live (Fun fact: The only two species of eagle native to North America are the bald eagle and the golden eagle, so you have already forsaken half of the species you might see around your house.)
Enjoy your dead animal, wedge tail eagle.
     Number two, eagles spend their time evenly split between doing four things:  Sitting majestically in their nests, soaring majestically through the skies, majestically plucking delicious fish from our lakes, and majestically eating dead animals on the side of the road.  Yeah, that is right.  That fuzzy little thing being born in the dilapidated nest is next going to be seen eating the sun baked remains of a possum on the side of some rural highway.  Because eagles eat carrion, which is what this wedge tail eagle on the right is doing.  So get that idea though your head.  They are the garbage disposal of the skies.  So while Patsy is riding around in her boat saying "look at the eagles!" I am driving past four of them eating dead dear along the highway on my way to see her.  Unimpressive.
     Truth be told, Company, I don't really have anything against eagles.  They are fine.  What I really rebel against is this infatuation that everyone has with them. In the tradition of the goth kids from South Park, I have to go against whatever everyone likes.  And, as an added bonus, eagles are a dime a dozen around the Worldwide Headquarters.  I see them all the time, especially in the summertime.  This, I believe, is mostly due to the fact that I release them on a regular basis as if they are doves or Internet viruses, but they are everywhere.  So they aren't really special to me, if that makes sense.  If it doesn't it will next time we are together and I am excited to see a PF Chang's.  Familiarity breeds contempt, right? 
Apparently these are the jabronis I am trying to impress.
     So you can have your eagles, Company.  You can fawn over them and watch them be born in the background of your web browser while you do spreadsheets at work.  You can get all exited when you seem them flying about, shitting on everything underneath them.  I don't care.  Enjoy.  I am just not into it.  So I guess that means there is more than you.  But you will come around.  You will be outside while one is trying to fly off with your little dog and you will be cursing their creation.  Fly like an eagle Fido, fly like an eagle.