Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Wrap It Up

     It's Christmastime, Company, if you are into that kind of thing.  And if you choose some religion other than Christianity or Consumerism, then you probably have some sort of holiday which you celebrate at this time of the year.  So happy that.  Or joyous whatever.
     In any event, 'tis the season for gift giving, and as I look at the giant pile of gifts which I had the Unpaid Interns compile on my behalf, I am filled with dread at the spectre of having to wrap all of them.  Now, I can hear the list of questions beginning to form in your head, Company?  "Why are you using all these strange words?"  "What is with the British style spelling?"  "Are you having some sort of brain aneurysm?" And lastly, "Why don't you just make the Unpaid Interns wrap them for you?"  Good questions, all.  Not having to wrap my gifts is my Christmas gift to the Unpaid Interns.  That, and I fly them all home to their loved ones, where termination letters are in their mailboxes.  Merry Christmas!
     So every year I do all my own gift wrapping.  I collect all the rolls of paper, bows, tape, gift tags, etc.and sit down with my scissors and list of instructions about how to wrap and I do it.  It takes me hours and hours and hours, sitting in my penthouse corner office and before long I have a pile of extremely poorly wrapped presents and just a giant mound of discarded and abused wrapping paper, ribbon, and all that sort of jazz.  It looks like a Michaels barfed in my office.  So there I sat the other day, all this wasted time, all this wasted energy, all this wasted waste.  And for why?  In three or four days I am going to watch all of my loved ones undo all of my hard work and creativity and tape jobs in one fell swoop.  So all of that consternation and wrapping and whatnot just ends in heartbreak and for no reason other than so that the gift recipients just don't know what they are getting. There has got to be a better way.  And I have it:

   There it is.  That, for the uninitiated, that is a photo of Mr. Met with a t-shirt cannon sponsored by Pepsi.  The most obvious solution here is to just have Mr. Met wrap my presents for me.  But that is not the solution that I am interested in.  I am more interested in the T-shirt cannon.
    Yeah, you suddenly see exactly how good of a solution this is.  It ticks off all of the boxes, doesn't it?  It is the most fantastic gift delivery system.  It accomplishes all of the same things as wrapping your gifts.  1.) The gifts get delivered. 2.) Nobody knows what they are getting ahead of time. 3.) It is super exciting. 4.) Everyone gets the gift they were supposed to get.  5.) It helps people develop their catching ability. 6.) It is an exciting cardio workout if done correctly.
     Heck yes.  You are really warming up to this innovative and exciting idea, aren't you.  I can hear the detractors already.  "What if you have a gift that is large, or dangerous, or breakable?"  I have that covered, too.  For those people I am going to screen print a T-shirt that describes what their gift is and where it is located. "There is a filing cabinet in the garage for you."  That is an example of what the T-shirt might say if you were to receive a filing cabinet from me.  "There is a bottle of wine in the kitchen."  I know, it's brilliant!  As an added bonus, if you are a really bad aim, you can get a head start at taking down all those ornaments.
    Listen, I know that it is not necessarily the traditional idea of what Christmas morning is all about. It is not the usual scene with presents all wrapped neatly under a beautifully decorated tree, with mom and dad hanging on to steaming hot cups of coffee like they are lifeboats in a hurricane, young kids bouncing around full of adrenaline, teenagers who are excited but trying to play it cool and so are staring at their phone.  I get that.  But holidays don't have to be traditional.  My family used to eat ravioli on Thanksgiving and it was wonderful.  Maybe a Christmas morning scene of tubs of presents and a T-shirt cannon in each corner of a gymnasium becomes just a special.  And fun.
     So get to it.  You can do this in stages.  Make the T-shirt cannons the gifts this year and start the new tradition next.  It is going to be the newest trend which sweeps the nation.  Mark my words.  Heads up this Christmas.

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