Sunday, November 15, 2015

Trip Switch

     I did not get to be a media mogul by spending money, Company.  I did it by being super charismatic, a little ruthless, and by cutting corners wherever I can.  So when the time came for me to build the Worldwide Headquarters, I naturally had the Unpaid Interns design the building so that I did not have to hire an expensive architect.  Makes sense, right?  Anyway, because they are Unpaid Interns and they are dicks they really screwed me over when it comes to the light in my kitchen.
     I knew from the first minute that I walked into my kitchen many years ago that this particular issue would need to be addressed.  The kitchen features two doors: one that leads outside and is the entrance that I use the most, and a second which goes to the great room. The two doors are on opposite walls.  The kitchen also features a light in the ceiling, which is operated by a switch, as would be expected.
     But here's the rub, Company.  The dickweed Unpaid Interns only put one switch for the kitchen light, and they put it at the door from the outside. None where one enters from the great room.  So what, that makes sense you say.  Well you are an idiot.  I am sorry, that was rude.  But here is the problem with this situation:  With the only switch being across the room from where I enter it in the morning, and last leave it at night, etc, whenever I come from inside the Worldwide Headquarters and want to turn the light on I have to navigate the entire length of the room in the dark to flip the switch and scream "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" at the top of my lungs.  And so I am routinely tripping over shoes, random things, servants, and Unpaid Interns when I need to get a drink in the middle of the night.
     So I did what any adult media mogul would do: I liquidated some assets in Southeast Asia and hired a friendly local electrician to come and convert the light to a three way switch.  He was a tremendously nice man who did a fantastic job for a reasonable price.  The switch looks great, it works fantastically, it is located in the correct place at the correct height, and it hasn't electrocuted me once so far.  I couldn't be happier.  In fact, the day that the Unpaid Interns told me that the job was completed, I went into the kitchen and just used the new switch to flip the light on and off for like ten minutes while giggling like I was Beavis and/or Butthead. 
    I can hear you thinking "Great Big Dave, fantastic.  Keep rubbing your bougeoise three way switches in my face you son of a bitch.  That sounds amazing, what could your possibly have to complain about?"  Well, I will tell you, Company.  The tree way switch is messing with my OCD.
     Wait, what?  Big Dave has OCD?  Yeah, a little bit.  Everyone has a little bit of OCD in their life.  Some more than others.  And what is driving me crazy now that my extravagant three way switch has been installed, it has been eating away at me because as often as not, when I go to turn the light on with either of the switches, I am flipping the switch downward.
     No.  Nuh-uh.  Uncool.  That is so wrong and dirty.  Switches in the down position should mean that the power is off.  Not on.  That just feels dirty and wrong, and not in the fun way.  I understand how a three way switch works, and I understand why the situation HAS to be like it is.  I get it.  That doesn't mean that I have to accept or like it. 
     I am not sure why this sort of strange OCD-ness seems to manifest itself with this particular set of switches more so than any other.  I have had three-way switches in my life for years and years - all my life as a matter of fact.  And it had never been like this.  NEVER.  There are other sets of three way switches in the Worldwide Headquarters and I don't have this issue with them.  But this set?  Drives me nuts. 
    So I don't know what to do, Company.  I just don't.  I am sure that in time it won't bother me so much, but for right now it is just messing up my world and I don't know how to handle it.  It is really tripping me up in my daily life.  I should just replace it with an Unpaid Intern with a pull cord.

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