Monday, November 09, 2015

Culinary Infidelity

     Oh B-Town.  Out of all the people whom I expected to commit infidelity, you are definitely not the one.  Yet, apparently, without your own knowledge or consent, you did so.  You apparently committed culinary infidelity - whatever the hell that is.
     Apparently there are a lot of different types of infidelity that one can commit in a marriage.  There is traditional, where you knock boots with someone other than your wife and/or husband, rolling around in the bed like you are trying to tandem fold a fitted sheet or something, or where you dry hump in an elevator while on your way to one of those rotating rooftop restaurants.  There is what you could call mental or psychological infidelity, where you just think about the elevator thing with like a co-worker or the paper delivery guy all the time.  You could also probably make the case for something like dental infidelity, in which your dentist finds you with some other DDS's hands in your mouth.
    But culinary infidelity?  That one is new to me. Apparently this is a situation in which someone cooks food for someone other than their significant other.  Like, for instance, if a loving wife cooks a casserole for the friendly local minister or something.  That is it.  That is culinary infidelity.  That is a THING.
Just putting this picture here is probably a form of culinary infidelity.
     The problem with culinary infidelity, though, it that is seems to lack any sort of regular or standard definition, which I guess makes it pretty similar to regular, old-fashioned infidelity.  So apparently if you bake brownies for your husband's buddies at deer camp, that is okay.  But pizzas for your girlfriends on girls' night?  That is culinary infidelity.  Making delicious tacos for your children?  Apparently not.  Sixteen plates of marinated chicken shish-kabobs?  The jury is still out on that one.  We haven't done the research as of yet.  But it leaves all sorts of questions and scenarios that need to be worked out.  And each of these super awesome scenarios will have a different answer for each different person.  Casserole for the bake sale?  Bold choice.  Technically it is baked but it really isn't in the spirit of the whole bake sale concept...but anyway, is it culinary infidelity?  What about pot stickers for a potluck?  That is like a culinary infidelity orgy because I assure you that whomever you are both your and your significant other are both going to try those scalloped potatoes au gratin with ham and broccoli that the third grade teacher make.  Mmmm...that sounds good.  Is she single?
      Nevermind.  The point is that there is exactly no way to avoid culinary infidelity if you are part of a relationship in which one of the parties is inclined to be worried about that.  It is unavoidable.  Because there are no real rules, and because the definitions are always changing based on the mood, temperature, and type of cheese that is being used, it is bound to happen at some point.
    Well get out your brooms, Company, because I am calling shenanigans on this business.  The good news is that culinary infidelity is not a big deal.  Check that.  It SHOULD not be a good deal.  Because it doesn't really have to happen.  The reason that it really comes to light is because the jealous party sees the good cooker making something and they suddenly realize that they want that badly.  Well, joke's on you Mr. Guy, because even though you are not the one making the food, and you are not the one taking it to other people, the culinary infidelity is your fault.  Not the fault of the cooker.  The bottom line is this: If you are the spouse or significant other of the cooker, you have the pipeline anytime you would like to get the delicious food.  All you have to do is ask.  And maybe offer to do the dishes.  So by that logic, culinary infidelity is bullshit. And I have won shenanigans.  And I feel like maybe the good cooker should whip something up for me.

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