Saturday, November 28, 2015

Age vs. History

      The other day, Company, I saw a late-eighties Ford Festiva tooling around the Worldwide Headquarters with classic car license plates.  And that is...well, fucking ridiculous.  Because a 1988 Ford Festiva is not a classic car.  It is just an old car.  It doesn't belong in a museum, it isn't going to be in any history books really unless it is the history of crappy cars.  Maybe in the Ford museum you will find one but all in all it is a car destined to be forgotten by history, or by at least 99.99999999999999999% of the population.  Which brings me to my point, Company: Not everything that is old is a classic.
     It is true.  Spend a couple of minutes and watch any random episode of Antiques Roadshow.  There is always some geriatric dingbat who wanders into the convention center with a pyrex baking dish from 1953 and tells the appraiser that it is insured for $25,000 and is going to be her nest egg for the upcoming retirement.  Once the appraiser is finished destroying the person's dream and future and informs the person that those things are a dime a dozen and that actually they can be purchased at any friendly local thrift store you can see the person slowly realize this one important central fact: Not everything that is old is a classic.
     The fact remains for so many things:  coffee grinders, dining room tables, pool cues, cars, combines, books, movies, wallets, china, etc, etc, etc.  Everyday people like you or I, Company, have this nasty habit of ascribing value to things that simple does not exist.  Sometimes we do it because we own the object, sometimes we have a good memory tied to it, but it is just something we do.  "I mean, this is a really nice, old, classic hair brush.  In 1920 this would have been a girl's prize possession and she would have had it all her life."  Okay, whatever.  You could also buy it for a nickel at Woolworth's and everybody and their sister had one.  Just because your grandmother used it to brush her hair before she put on her flapper outfit and did the Lindy doesn't mean that it is classic or valuable in the grand sense of the world.  99.8% of the value that comes to that old hairbrush - notice I didn't say antique - is because it was your grandmother's.  And that is okay.  But realize that it wasn't my grandmother's and that in my eyes 99.8% of the value simply isn't there.
    So cool it with all this business, Company.  Just because the movie is in black and white doesn't mean it is a classic, it just means that it is old.  And if you prefer old movies that is fine, but I have seen plenty of B&W films that are just terrible.  I mean, that is the whole premise of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  That is just the way it is.  That junky old Chrysler runabout boat isn't anything special.  Neither is that Dreamcast that you have packed away in your closet.
     I am not saying that you have to get rid of all of your junk, Company.  If you want to be a hoarder and build garage after garage to store all of your not-quite-priceless non-antiques that if just find.  A store near the Worldwide Headquarters always called it "Junque." So if you want to have all your junque that is fine.  But it is time to give up the delusions of grandeur.  Don't stop bringing that stuff to Antiques Roadshow, though.  That shit is hilarious.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving to You!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there from all of us here at Big Dave and Company.  Take a minute today to think about what you are thankful for - whatever it happens to be - and have a safe and enjoyable holiday.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Trip Switch

     I did not get to be a media mogul by spending money, Company.  I did it by being super charismatic, a little ruthless, and by cutting corners wherever I can.  So when the time came for me to build the Worldwide Headquarters, I naturally had the Unpaid Interns design the building so that I did not have to hire an expensive architect.  Makes sense, right?  Anyway, because they are Unpaid Interns and they are dicks they really screwed me over when it comes to the light in my kitchen.
     I knew from the first minute that I walked into my kitchen many years ago that this particular issue would need to be addressed.  The kitchen features two doors: one that leads outside and is the entrance that I use the most, and a second which goes to the great room. The two doors are on opposite walls.  The kitchen also features a light in the ceiling, which is operated by a switch, as would be expected.
     But here's the rub, Company.  The dickweed Unpaid Interns only put one switch for the kitchen light, and they put it at the door from the outside. None where one enters from the great room.  So what, that makes sense you say.  Well you are an idiot.  I am sorry, that was rude.  But here is the problem with this situation:  With the only switch being across the room from where I enter it in the morning, and last leave it at night, etc, whenever I come from inside the Worldwide Headquarters and want to turn the light on I have to navigate the entire length of the room in the dark to flip the switch and scream "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" at the top of my lungs.  And so I am routinely tripping over shoes, random things, servants, and Unpaid Interns when I need to get a drink in the middle of the night.
     So I did what any adult media mogul would do: I liquidated some assets in Southeast Asia and hired a friendly local electrician to come and convert the light to a three way switch.  He was a tremendously nice man who did a fantastic job for a reasonable price.  The switch looks great, it works fantastically, it is located in the correct place at the correct height, and it hasn't electrocuted me once so far.  I couldn't be happier.  In fact, the day that the Unpaid Interns told me that the job was completed, I went into the kitchen and just used the new switch to flip the light on and off for like ten minutes while giggling like I was Beavis and/or Butthead. 
    I can hear you thinking "Great Big Dave, fantastic.  Keep rubbing your bougeoise three way switches in my face you son of a bitch.  That sounds amazing, what could your possibly have to complain about?"  Well, I will tell you, Company.  The tree way switch is messing with my OCD.
     Wait, what?  Big Dave has OCD?  Yeah, a little bit.  Everyone has a little bit of OCD in their life.  Some more than others.  And what is driving me crazy now that my extravagant three way switch has been installed, it has been eating away at me because as often as not, when I go to turn the light on with either of the switches, I am flipping the switch downward.
     No.  Nuh-uh.  Uncool.  That is so wrong and dirty.  Switches in the down position should mean that the power is off.  Not on.  That just feels dirty and wrong, and not in the fun way.  I understand how a three way switch works, and I understand why the situation HAS to be like it is.  I get it.  That doesn't mean that I have to accept or like it. 
     I am not sure why this sort of strange OCD-ness seems to manifest itself with this particular set of switches more so than any other.  I have had three-way switches in my life for years and years - all my life as a matter of fact.  And it had never been like this.  NEVER.  There are other sets of three way switches in the Worldwide Headquarters and I don't have this issue with them.  But this set?  Drives me nuts. 
    So I don't know what to do, Company.  I just don't.  I am sure that in time it won't bother me so much, but for right now it is just messing up my world and I don't know how to handle it.  It is really tripping me up in my daily life.  I should just replace it with an Unpaid Intern with a pull cord.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Happy Veteran's Day

    Happy Veteran's Day to all of those who are currently or have served in the armed forces.  All of us here at Big Dave and Company sincerely thank you and yours for your service and sacrifice.  I hope you have a wonderful day.

Monday, November 09, 2015

Culinary Infidelity

     Oh B-Town.  Out of all the people whom I expected to commit infidelity, you are definitely not the one.  Yet, apparently, without your own knowledge or consent, you did so.  You apparently committed culinary infidelity - whatever the hell that is.
     Apparently there are a lot of different types of infidelity that one can commit in a marriage.  There is traditional, where you knock boots with someone other than your wife and/or husband, rolling around in the bed like you are trying to tandem fold a fitted sheet or something, or where you dry hump in an elevator while on your way to one of those rotating rooftop restaurants.  There is what you could call mental or psychological infidelity, where you just think about the elevator thing with like a co-worker or the paper delivery guy all the time.  You could also probably make the case for something like dental infidelity, in which your dentist finds you with some other DDS's hands in your mouth.
    But culinary infidelity?  That one is new to me. Apparently this is a situation in which someone cooks food for someone other than their significant other.  Like, for instance, if a loving wife cooks a casserole for the friendly local minister or something.  That is it.  That is culinary infidelity.  That is a THING.
Just putting this picture here is probably a form of culinary infidelity.
     The problem with culinary infidelity, though, it that is seems to lack any sort of regular or standard definition, which I guess makes it pretty similar to regular, old-fashioned infidelity.  So apparently if you bake brownies for your husband's buddies at deer camp, that is okay.  But pizzas for your girlfriends on girls' night?  That is culinary infidelity.  Making delicious tacos for your children?  Apparently not.  Sixteen plates of marinated chicken shish-kabobs?  The jury is still out on that one.  We haven't done the research as of yet.  But it leaves all sorts of questions and scenarios that need to be worked out.  And each of these super awesome scenarios will have a different answer for each different person.  Casserole for the bake sale?  Bold choice.  Technically it is baked but it really isn't in the spirit of the whole bake sale concept...but anyway, is it culinary infidelity?  What about pot stickers for a potluck?  That is like a culinary infidelity orgy because I assure you that whomever you are both your and your significant other are both going to try those scalloped potatoes au gratin with ham and broccoli that the third grade teacher make.  Mmmm...that sounds good.  Is she single?
      Nevermind.  The point is that there is exactly no way to avoid culinary infidelity if you are part of a relationship in which one of the parties is inclined to be worried about that.  It is unavoidable.  Because there are no real rules, and because the definitions are always changing based on the mood, temperature, and type of cheese that is being used, it is bound to happen at some point.
    Well get out your brooms, Company, because I am calling shenanigans on this business.  The good news is that culinary infidelity is not a big deal.  Check that.  It SHOULD not be a good deal.  Because it doesn't really have to happen.  The reason that it really comes to light is because the jealous party sees the good cooker making something and they suddenly realize that they want that badly.  Well, joke's on you Mr. Guy, because even though you are not the one making the food, and you are not the one taking it to other people, the culinary infidelity is your fault.  Not the fault of the cooker.  The bottom line is this: If you are the spouse or significant other of the cooker, you have the pipeline anytime you would like to get the delicious food.  All you have to do is ask.  And maybe offer to do the dishes.  So by that logic, culinary infidelity is bullshit. And I have won shenanigans.  And I feel like maybe the good cooker should whip something up for me.