Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Three Openings (Part 1)

Okay, Company.  I have one of those articles I write about a crazy news story, but I have three separate openings that I want to do for it.  So since I am unable to choose, what I am going to do is write all three openings here, and then write the rest some other day.  Sound good?  I hope so, because that is what I am doing.

Opening One

     Fifteen years.  Fifteen years.  Do you know how long fifteen years is, Company?  That is a long ass time.  That is almost how long you go to school from kindergarten through senior year.  That is slightly longer than the maximum amount of time an American President is allowed to serve.  That is long enough to conceive and raise a fourteen year old child.  In short, that is a pretty long ass time.  So the fact that someone could go for fifteen years with something totally unknown right below their noses, or more particularly right next to their right leg, is a little bit astounding...

Opening Two

     Have you ever watched the movie Bad BoysBeverly Hills Cop? The TV show CSI: Miami?  Or NCIS: Los Angeles?  Or any other CBS crime drama with a colon in it?  If you have, then you would know that drug dealers and drug runners will go to any length to recover their product.  Like, they will kill eleventy billion people at a party to get the couple of kilos that their mule took.  Or they will rob the Miami Police Department and piss of Martin Lawrence.  So how is it that they couldn't be bothered to retrieve it from a 1990 Chevy Van at a used car lot...?

Opening Three

       In the fantastic show Futurama, Bender and Fry are walking along past a construction site when the excavator digs up an entire, intact, Volkswagen Bus.  So Fry asks if he can have it, and the excavator operator says that if he wants to dump the corpses out of it he can have it, to which Fry responds "Yeah, yeah, I've gotten used cars before."  Classic.  Because in a lot of ways it is true.  Go down to your friendly but slightly dingy and slightly more than slightly sleaszy corner used car dealer, and there is no amount of pine scented air freshners that can be hung from the rearview mirror that will take the smell of the former owner out the outrageously priced Chevy Corsica that you are about to test drive.  And unless you go over it like one of the nerdy lab coated people in one of the shows from Opening One (did I just cause a rip in the space/time continuum by referring to my original opening in an alternate opening?), there is always liable to be something strange that comes to light the first time you try to go for that donut spare under the trunk floor.  Or it could be somewhere else...


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