Saturday, January 24, 2015

MST3K the Liberty Lantern

Let's watch a video.  Shall we, Company?

This is the television commercial that I just recently watched for a product called the Liberty Lantern, which is actually not the worst idea on the face of the Earth.  It is an LED, solar-powered lantern that has a built in USB port for charging your phone or whatever, It is also water resistant and stays cool to the touch.  Sounds pretty good, right?  I think so.  But let's talk about the commercial.  This is one of those "As Seen on TV" products and as you have seen the commercial feels it.  And since these commercials are everywhere these days, I thought that it was about time someone went all MST3K on it.  And this is the one that I picked.  So let's go through it.

0:07 - If this is the weather outside and you don't know that shit is up, then you probably deserve to be wallowing in darkness with no iPad.  Next question.

0:10 - The makers of this video have obviously never suffered a power outage.  The lights aren't going to get BRIGHTER as the juice runs out.

0:12 - Does that actually go through a thing to make it look like a flame starting?  Nice touch.

0:13 - Wait, wait, wait.  So you mean to have me believe that a.) the power goes out and this family just continues playing its board game like nothing happens?  Usually when my power goes out first comes the expletive, then comes me grabbing my phone for some form of light to guide me to where I keep the flashlight, but then again these people have their Liberty Lantern right on the table next to the Monopoly board, which brings me to b.) Who the fuck just hangs out with their Liberty Lantern?  That's messed up.

0:21 - Okay, I will bite on this one.  It is hard to get anything useful done while holding a flashlight.  Ask any plumber or electrician.  But on the flip side, if you are so intent on making coleslaw even through you have no power, well then you have bigger issues than the lack of a third hand.

0:28 - Reading in bed.  When the power goes out, that is the perfect time for, oh I don't know, sleeping maybe.

0:40 - The charging capability is a good idea.  A really good idea for all the just in cases.  But in reality, if you are trying to use your iPad in an emergency, your router is not going to be working, the cell phones might be out, etc.  Enjoy watching your digital copy of Frozen, though.

0:43 - Dear Lady, that lantern has a hangy hoop on the top.  Maybe hang it from the walker and leave the platform free for whatever you are going to get.  Just a suggestions.  Sincerely, Big Dave.

0:54 - What the hell kind of date is this?  That guy is trying awfully hard and failing spectacularly.  He is almost naked and that girl is still in all of her clothes.  If you are in your swim trunks, and your date is still in a hoodie AND bringing something to shed more light on your romantic hot tub area, you aren't going to get some.  Might as well use the charger to charge up your Fleshlight.

1:04 - If that is the only source of light you have outside on your patio, then you are not equipped for nighttime patio parties and should not be holding them.  Also, no one is going to be noticing the lantern, except maybe for one "Wow, that thing really throws off a lot of light" comment.  And approximately zero people will be bringing their children around specifically to check it out.  It is not the prairie dog exhibit at Zoo Boise.

 1:06 - Take it camping?  Now that is a fantastic idea.  It will recharge itself every day, and if it rains it is water resistent.

1:28 - You can charge it from the same things that it charges?  We have broken the space/time continuum.

The Flag of Japan
1:31 - Okay, we don't need to make the "i" be the Statue of Liberty.  Everyone does that for their logo these days, I get it, but in this case it is an awful stretch and just looks cheesy.  Also, if the sun ever looks like whatever that is in the "solar powered" badge, we are all screwed.  Even the Japanese flag has a more realistic sun.

1:31 - What the hell is that crazy blue plazma stream coming off the back of the Liberty Lantern?  Is it on fire with weird blue two-cycle smoke coming off it?  It is a color tornado?  Can someone please explain this to me?  I am so confused and more than a little nervous.

1:33 - I am glad that I get to see all these awesome scenes again.

1:40 - Finally it's over.  I'd buy one.  No wait, check that.  I would not.  I would not buy one on my own accord.  That being said, I would be relatively stoked if I received one as a gift for say Christmas, my birthday, or a bat mitzvah.  And if you were to buy one, Company, I would be like "That's cool.  I saw that thing on TV."  And I can see an instance in which I am camping and I think "I wish I had one of those lantern things that is solar powered and can charge stuff."  So that is that.  It's cool.  Despite the lame commercial.

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