Thursday, August 14, 2014

Non-Dairy Communications

     Charter Communications is non-dairy creamer, Company.  And I can prove it.
     Little Jeffy and I have a tradition.  When we go out to eat, we always a.) pay the bill at the end of the day, b.) each drink a creamer, and c.) put something from the table down in front of the other person to eat.  For example, I grab a packet of sugar and put it in front of him and he has to eat it.  And Little Jeffy, because he is kind of a dick, finds the one little packet of Vegemite in the bottom of the jelly tray that the Australian minstrels left there last week and puts it in front of me and I have to eat that.  I know, you wish you had thought of that awesome game.  Sorry, sometimes you have to let someone else be awesome.
     Anyway, here we sit, Little Jeffy and I, at a Pizza Hut in Warsaw, Missouri.  And he finds, among the packets, the solitary packet of powered non-dairy creamer, because - as we discussed earlier - he is a dick.  So me, being a manly man and a media mogul, I eat it, fully knowing that it was going to be terrible.  And it was.  It was a little bitter but also milky and had the texture of wet drywall.  Then, for one shining moment, for one, brief, glorious, amazing moment, it was almost sickly sweet.  It was delicious.  Like cotton candy wrapped in marshmallow fluff.  And then it went back to drywall.  But it was in there, that one delicious moment, that wasn't enough to make you want to wade through the rest of the shit, but that if you knew it was coming it made the rest not quite so bad.
    So fast forward to Charter Communications, one of the giant cable companies that roams our great land preying on our desire to watch reruns of Mad About You.  A company whose ego and desire for subscribers is so large that it actually advertises on ITSELF which is the most ridiculous thing ever.  Anyway, it runs all these commercials (could you even imagine how cheap your cable bill would be if they would just kill it with all the advertisements?), and they are just about evenly split between commercials attacking Direct TV and commercials with jaunty songs that are really, just terrible.  They are catchy but lame and awful, and they air so much that in time they act like an earwig and get into your brain until such time as you just want to stab yourself, and everyone at Charter.  They very, very quickly become the drywall part of the non-dairy creamer.  You hate them.  You mute them.  You scream and scorn them.  You slog your way through their awfulness because you really like Mad About You apparently.  And then it happens.
     The commercial changes.  The one with the guys on the motorcycles is gone, and in its place is one with a noticeably diverse group of Charter operators who sing and dance, which I would guess is completely made up except for the part with the cubicles.  And it is SO FANTASTIC to have this new commercial.  You watch.  You might even sing.  You pay attention enough to see that the phone number to call has changed (also, how much is is costing them to keep getting all these phone numbers?).  It is so great.  Suddenly, you are out of the red when it comes to Charter and for a split second you consider actually subscribing even though you know they don't have service at your house. 
     You have reached that moment in the packet of non-dairy creamer when it tastes good.  And I think that we all know how the story goes from here.  I think we can extrapolate and figure out what happens.  I think that we all should also know that I have always wanted to use the word "extrapolate" in a blog post.  you like the commercial, but then it comes on approximately nine times during the half hour episode of Mad About You, and then another, oh I don't know, eleventy billion times during Bones, and all the sudden you hate it.  You have gone down the back side of the hill and are into drywall territory again.And you hate it.  But you live through it because you don't remember which version of Law & Order is on next, despite hating it.  The cycle begins again, and the only thing that keeps you going is that one sweet moment that you know is on the horizon when the commercial changes again.  It is not enough to make you want to watch the commercial - it really isn't.  But it IS just enough to get you by.

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