Friday, August 29, 2014

Jeff Winger Speeches: Advanced Gay

For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of the television series "Community" which aired for five (5) seasons on NBC before being cancelled permanently.  Recently, it was picked up by Yahoo! Screen.  Since the mantra of the small but devoted fan base of the show has been that it should or will run for six seasons and that there will be a movie (#sixseasonsandamovie), this was a big deal.  In honor of this, I have decided to post the text of what I feel are the five most impressive Jeff Winger speeches from the show.  For those of you who are fans you will get it, for everyone else, you probably won't.  But I don't care, because this is my blog and I want to do it.  Also, I didn't have any other ideas for what to post and this sort of took care of that problem for me.  So anyway, we will continue with Jeff Winger's speech from Season 4, Episode 6, entitled "Advanced Gay."

Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper.  I could live a million years, and I could spend every minute of it doing important things, but at the end of it all I would have only lived half a life if I had not raised a son.  This was a gift that was handed to you - you squandered it.  And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill the hole where your kid was supposed to go.  And now?  It's too late.  Now, you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist.  Well, mission accomplished.  But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you, from every son of every crap dad that ever lived: So what?  I'm done with you.  He's done with you.  The world is done with you.  J

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Jeff Winger Speeches: Asian Population Studies

For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of the television series "Community" which aired for five (5) seasons on NBC before being cancelled permanently.  Recently, it was picked up by Yahoo! Screen.  Since the mantra of the small but devoted fan base of the show has been that it should or will run for six seasons and that there will be a movie (#sixseasonsandamovie), this was a big deal.  In honor of this, I have decided to post the text of what I feel are the five most impressive Jeff Winger speeches from the show.  For those of you who are fans you will get it, for everyone else, you probably won't.  But I don't care, because this is my blog and I want to do it.  Also, I didn't have any other ideas for what to post and this sort of took care of that problem for me.  So anyway, we will start with Jeff Winger's first speech from Season 2, Episode 12, entitled "Asian Population Studies.

Jeff:    Did someone say case?  Because I haven't made mine yet.

Annie:     What?  What's your case?

Jeff:     Ben Chang in my case.

Annie:     You can't be serious.

Jeff:    Oh I am serious.  I am Yahoo! serious.  I am Serious FM.  Welcome to the World Series of Seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Serieos.

Annie:     Are you stalling right now?

Jeff:     Stalling?  Hahahaha.  Stalling.  No Annie, in fact, you're going to wish I was stalling...I just go it.  Get out of here.      I want to say some names to you.  Jeffrey Dahmer.  Ted Bundy.  Rich.  What do they have in common?  We don't know them very well.  What do we know about Ben Chang?  We know he's nuts.  We know he's dangerous, unpredictable, selfish.  We know he uses his name to make bad puns.  Wen he talks, he over, and under emphasises words seemingly at random.  When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent.  We know he smells like Band-Aids, we know he dresses like a Cuban cab driver, we know he exhibits - nay - flaunts proudly, obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets.  we know these things about Ben Chang.  And so much more than we ever wanted to know about him.  Why?  Because it's there.  It's on the surface.  What you see may be what you don't want, but it's also what you get.  Who is this kettle corn popping phantom?  This human question mark. This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca, with a PhD in being swell, and masters in "everybody loves me."  Who is it?  We may never know.  I only know one thing.  Nobody is this good a person.    And nobody, can get any worse than this.  Who's voting for Chang?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Jeff Winger Speeches: Advanced Criminal Law

For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of the television series "Community" which aired for five (5) seasons on NBC before being cancelled permanently.  Recently, it was picked up by Yahoo! Screen.  Since the mantra of the small but devoted fan base of the show has been that it should or will run for six seasons and that there will be a movie (#sixseasonsandamovie), this was a big deal.  In honor of this, I have decided to post the text of what I feel are the five most impressive Jeff Winger speeches from the show.  For those of you who are fans you will get it, for everyone else, you probably won't.  But I don't care, because this is my blog and I want to do it.  Also, I didn't have any other ideas for what to post and this sort of took care of that problem for me.  So anyway, we will start with Jeff Winger's first speech from Season 1, Episode 5, entitled "Advanced Criminal Law."

Jeff:     Gentlemen.  I am sure that you suspected that Miss Perry was pretty odd before the recess.  But if you could have heard all the stuff she just told me in the shower, you would realize that she is all the way out of her entire damn mind.  She doesn't want to succeed, because she doesn't think she can.  So she goes out of her way to fail.  That's crazy.  But, do we really want to make it a crime to be crazy at Greendale?  I mean look at us.  You two are arguing about status at a college that correspondence schools make fun of.  Dean, you want do bad for this place to be Ivy League that you are putting us at risk of electrocution.  Because everyone on this campus is nuts.

Leonard, from in the pool:     Not me!

Jeff:     Oh come on, Leonard.  If you're going to argue with me, put on a bathing suit.

Leonard:  Busted!  Hahaha!

Jeff:     If you want to rehabilitate your fellow inmate, you need to sentence her to staying here with us.  Because if crazy people can't be at Greendale, where are we supposed to go?


Monday, August 25, 2014

Jeff Winger Speeches: Pilot

For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of the television series "Community" which aired for five (5) seasons on NBC before being cancelled permanently.  Recently, it was picked up by Yahoo! Screen.  Since the mantra of the small but devoted fan base of the show has been that it should or will run for six seasons and that there will be a movie (#sixseasonsandamovie), this was a big deal.  In honor of this, I have decided to post the text of what I feel are the five most impressive Jeff Winger speeches from the show.  For those of you who are fans you will get it, for everyone else, you probably won't.  But I don't care, because this is my blog and I want to do it.  Also, I didn't have any other ideas for what to post and this sort of took care of that problem for me.  So anyway, we will start with Jeff Winger's first speech from Season 1, Episode 1, simply entitled "Pilot."

Jeff:     Alright everybody!  I want to say something. Sit down. You know what makes humans different from other animals?  We're the only species on earth that observes Shark Week.  Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do.  For the same reason that I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve, and go like this, and a little part of you dies just a little bit on the inside.  Because people can connect with anything.  We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting,  People can find the good in just about anything but themselves.  Look at me.  It is clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass.  What I can do, is see what makes Annie awesome.  She's driven.  We need driven people, or the lights go out and the ice cream melts.  And Pierce - we need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.  We should listen to him sometime, we wouldn't regret it.  And Shirley.  Shirley has earned our respect, not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman.  And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way to specific to be improvised.  And Troy, who cares if Troy thinks he's all that?  Maybe he is.  You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen?  No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king.  And Abed.  Abed is a shaman.  You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup.  Because, you know what?  Soup is better.  Abed is better.  You are all better than you think you are, you are just designed not the believe it when you hear it from yourself.  I want you to look to the person to your left.  Sorry, look at the person next to you.  I want you to extend to that person the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person "I forgive you."

All:     I forgive you.

Jeff:     You've just stopped being a study group.  You have become something unstoppable.  I hereby pronounce you a community.


Sunday, August 17, 2014

All Aboard the Amtrak

     'This is the most terribly thing that I have ever seen."  Those are the words that I just uttered as I plowed through the second half hour of a 90 minute podcast.  Of course, this was not the Big Dave and Company Podcast, because no one would ever say that about the Big Dave and Company Podcast, but it was a different one and it was a train wreck, but not an adorable train wreck like we always were.  This was just terrible.  But you have to say "terrible" as if you were Charles Barkley in order to get the same effect. 
Gillian Jacobs
So anyway, it was terrible but I was enthralled, and it was not just because the bewitching Gillian Jacobs was on it.  There was just something about it that made me unable to look away.
     Why are we like that?  What is wrong with us as humans, Company, that we just can't seem to look away from a train wreck.  Is that the state of the human condition?  Gaper's block?  Is that what we have come to?  We are at the point in humanity where the number one thing in our day is slowing down on the freeway to stare over at the other side of the median at the result of what happens when a guy in a Kia Rio decided to cut off a semi.  And then we go home and talk about it.
    But we don't just talk about it at home.  That is what is on our news.  Awful, awful things are on the news.  There is a reason why the national news reporter is always embedded with the Army unit and not Doctors Without Borders.  Because we don't care that much about the good things.  For some reason, we do not want to watch a half hour of good news and positive things at 6 PM.  We want to watch a half hour of train wrecks, blood and gore, people fighting, with a little weather and a live spot from the Dolphins' training camp and then one single, solitary good story just to remind us that we really are good as people.  That maybe we really are okay and do like puppies.  It sort of just allows us enough of a sliver of hope to believe that we aren't terrible people who are into the gore.
     We are though, and that is the problem.  Ever seen news footage of an Amtrak train crash?  It seemed like it was happening once a week during the 90s and I am sure you could YouYube the hell out of it.  What you will notice is fifty people standing around watching what it happening and three people running towards the wreckage to help someone.  And if it were happening today each of those hundred people would have their cell phone out to record what was going on.  Because that is the way we are.  We don't want to watch, but we can't turn away, and we know it.  We know that we will watch over and over those three people running towards what is left of those train cars, and someone has to provide the video.  We don't want to watch but we can't turn away.  We need the puppy parade section of the news to make remind us that we don't want to watch.  But the embedded reporter is the part that can not turn away.
     And we are getting worse, too.  Look at the video of the Hindenburg burning.  How many people are running towards that thing despite the fact that it is clearly not going to end well?  Well, no one at first because it is a fireball falling from the sky.  But once it settles there they all go, running towards it.  Way more than would be today.  There they go, full steam ahead, just like we as humanity are.  Full steam ahead towards the next Amtrack crash so we can gawk and get our sick, cheap, thrills.  All aboard!

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Non-Dairy Communications

     Charter Communications is non-dairy creamer, Company.  And I can prove it.
     Little Jeffy and I have a tradition.  When we go out to eat, we always a.) pay the bill at the end of the day, b.) each drink a creamer, and c.) put something from the table down in front of the other person to eat.  For example, I grab a packet of sugar and put it in front of him and he has to eat it.  And Little Jeffy, because he is kind of a dick, finds the one little packet of Vegemite in the bottom of the jelly tray that the Australian minstrels left there last week and puts it in front of me and I have to eat that.  I know, you wish you had thought of that awesome game.  Sorry, sometimes you have to let someone else be awesome.
     Anyway, here we sit, Little Jeffy and I, at a Pizza Hut in Warsaw, Missouri.  And he finds, among the packets, the solitary packet of powered non-dairy creamer, because - as we discussed earlier - he is a dick.  So me, being a manly man and a media mogul, I eat it, fully knowing that it was going to be terrible.  And it was.  It was a little bitter but also milky and had the texture of wet drywall.  Then, for one shining moment, for one, brief, glorious, amazing moment, it was almost sickly sweet.  It was delicious.  Like cotton candy wrapped in marshmallow fluff.  And then it went back to drywall.  But it was in there, that one delicious moment, that wasn't enough to make you want to wade through the rest of the shit, but that if you knew it was coming it made the rest not quite so bad.
    So fast forward to Charter Communications, one of the giant cable companies that roams our great land preying on our desire to watch reruns of Mad About You.  A company whose ego and desire for subscribers is so large that it actually advertises on ITSELF which is the most ridiculous thing ever.  Anyway, it runs all these commercials (could you even imagine how cheap your cable bill would be if they would just kill it with all the advertisements?), and they are just about evenly split between commercials attacking Direct TV and commercials with jaunty songs that are really, just terrible.  They are catchy but lame and awful, and they air so much that in time they act like an earwig and get into your brain until such time as you just want to stab yourself, and everyone at Charter.  They very, very quickly become the drywall part of the non-dairy creamer.  You hate them.  You mute them.  You scream and scorn them.  You slog your way through their awfulness because you really like Mad About You apparently.  And then it happens.
     The commercial changes.  The one with the guys on the motorcycles is gone, and in its place is one with a noticeably diverse group of Charter operators who sing and dance, which I would guess is completely made up except for the part with the cubicles.  And it is SO FANTASTIC to have this new commercial.  You watch.  You might even sing.  You pay attention enough to see that the phone number to call has changed (also, how much is is costing them to keep getting all these phone numbers?).  It is so great.  Suddenly, you are out of the red when it comes to Charter and for a split second you consider actually subscribing even though you know they don't have service at your house. 
     You have reached that moment in the packet of non-dairy creamer when it tastes good.  And I think that we all know how the story goes from here.  I think we can extrapolate and figure out what happens.  I think that we all should also know that I have always wanted to use the word "extrapolate" in a blog post.  you like the commercial, but then it comes on approximately nine times during the half hour episode of Mad About You, and then another, oh I don't know, eleventy billion times during Bones, and all the sudden you hate it.  You have gone down the back side of the hill and are into drywall territory again.And you hate it.  But you live through it because you don't remember which version of Law & Order is on next, despite hating it.  The cycle begins again, and the only thing that keeps you going is that one sweet moment that you know is on the horizon when the commercial changes again.  It is not enough to make you want to watch the commercial - it really isn't.  But it IS just enough to get you by.

Monday, August 04, 2014

Vocabularious

     So there is this thing called Urban Dictionary.  Have you heard of this, Company?  It is a website that one can edit - Wikipedia style - where you can put all sorts of popular slang terms.  It's neat.  So, let's look at some of the recent words of the day and I am going to tell you what I think about them.  How does that sound to you?

Intern Lunch - A lunch that takes two or more hours.
What the hell is this about?  Back in the 80s, when everyone wore really skinny ties and apparently we weren't quite so uptight about everything, this was called a three martini lunch because executives took long lunches and they would drink like three martinis or something.  Because you could get all drunked up during the day apparently.  Anyway, now it is applied to interns, because one must be an intern who is so insignificant at a company that you wouldn't be missed for two hours in the middle of the day.   But bosses take these lunches too, so we can see who is doing the work in the average American company.  Also, what sort of shitty company has interns who have two free hours a day?  I could teach these companies a thing or two about how to treat an intern, especially an unpaid intern.

Hashtag Abuser - One who overuses the hashtag symbol, especially on non-Twitter or Instagram apps.
#hashtag #nofuckingshit #settlewiththehashtages #onmyfreakinggod #stopwiththehashtags #hashtagabuser

Banana Hammock - 
You know what this is.  And no one should wear one.  Not ever.  Except maybe Borat.  One should always have more of a grocery bag vibe going when concerning one's hammock.  Even in Europe.

Clink Sink Drink - While drinking an alcoholic shot, the act of clinking your glass with a partner, sinking the glass to the table, and then raising and drinking the shot.
1.) Just because it rhymes doesn't mean that it needs to be said.
2.) Yeah, there is nothing that every bartender wants to do more than wipe booze up off the table and/or bar.  Just take the shot fuck knuckle.

Sober Drunk - The feeling of being drunk with the rest of your friends while you are actually completely sober.
Why fucking bother?  That was my first thought.  But then I started thinking about this concept, and I realize that it is really pretty amazing.  So you are telling me that you can go out and essentially get shitfaced - or at least get the feeling of being shitfaced - without paying all the money and taking all the risk of being drunk in public.  AND you get to drive around when you are done?  That is the absolute best.

Bropinion - Your bro's opinion.
Enough said, but to be honest, one doesn't have to put the word bro into every situation in which it fits and in which your good male friend is involved.  I like it though.  I feel, though, like I should be wearing a hat with a really straight brim including sticker when saying it.  Very Jersey Shore in a way.

Steppin on My Dick - When someone disrespects your manhood.
I feel like this is a term that is unnecessary.  I wouldn't think that someone would step on one's dick to disrespect someone's manhood.  Can you even think about the logistics that would be involved with stepping on someone's dick?  Like, actually, physically stepping on someone's dick?  Like, how does one even go about that?  Do you just ask them nicely?  "Excuse me, can you just lie down on the ground for a minute so that I can step on your dick?"  I am not sure that would work.  You could always just like kick the guy in the back of the knees to get him down but then why not just kick the shit out of him.  Wouldn't that work just as well?  I mean, to step on his dick you would still have to sort of position him correctly.  And if you weren't wearing shoes, like if you were at the beach or something, then would you have to go obtain some form of footwear?  Can you step on a man's dick barefoot?  There are a lot of practical and ethical conflicts that would have to be sorted out.  I am thinking this needs to be done over drinks.  Clink, sink, drink.

Sunday, August 03, 2014

Hello, Caller

     So here I sit, Company, on a lazy warm Sunday morning, sucking down coffee and wondering why my space bar seems to be working only intermittently.  While all of this hot action (I am sure that this look behind the curtain at the fascinating life of a media mogul is almost more than you can stand) is going on I am listening to a radio show called A Way With Words.  This is a show on which two linguists take phone calls and e-mails for an hour or so about words and phrases and what they mean and where they come from, etc.  So I am sitting here and listening to the people call in and I suddenly realize how big of a deal it would be for me to do that.  Seriously.  And I am a media mogul.  But let's me honest, I just don't call in to the radio on a daily basis.  But there are people who do, and that blows my mind.  The more I think about it, I see two main groups of people when it comes to radio call in folks.
     There is a group of people who call into radio shows all the time.  Seriously.  They pick up the phone and ask questions or scream opinions at hosts on sometimes a daily basis.  If one listens to a lot of talk radio or sports radio you know the type.  The hosts know their name and story without prompts.  And the callers don't think twice about picking up the phone and getting it on with the professional talkers.  I can not even fathom that.
     I site squarely in the middle of the second group, and I suspect that most of you do too, Company.  For me to call a radio show would be a big deal.  A big deal.  I would be nervous as hell and I would most likely stammer over my words at least a little.  And the phone call and appearance would be the culmination of a long, arduous process.  I would have to think it over for a long time.  I would have to discuss it with my friends, family, and co-workers, but not the Unpaid Interns because I don't care what they have to say.  I would worry and obsess about whether or not my question was dumb, or whether or not the radio hosts would have to think about it or if they would dismiss it as not being worthy of discussion.
     Once that was all sorted out, then I would have to sit and consider whether a tweet or text or e-mail to the show might be a more appropriate than a phone call.  Those can be composed in advance and screened prior to pushing send, but then again they might not be used on the show.  I might never get my answer.  So is my point so poignant or my question so important that I need to risk making a fool out of myself on a nationally syndicated radio show?  Or even a local show? 
     It's all so hard to me, Company.  It really is.  And as I sit here listening no longer to A Way With Words but to America's Test Kitchen, I can't help but to think that the people who are calling in are squarely in my camp.  I imagine that they have made careful (if maybe not as neurotic) consideration as I have before making the call to get their answer.  And maybe that is a function of the shows I am listening to on this particular morning, but I just don't see any of these folks as serial callers.  I believe they have a problem and don't know where else to turn.  But my goodness, it would take a long time for me to get to that point.