Every once in a while you stumble upon something so fantastic, so amazing, so life changing yet affirming that you just can't keep it to yourself, no matter what the most influential blogger in the history of the world tells you about keeping things to yourself. So, in the spirit of sharing things that are great, let's talk about the All Hockey Hair Team.
The good folks at Pulltab Productions somewhere up in Minnesota have struck greatness gold. Somewhere along the way, they decided to do in depth research and commentary on the magnificent hair styles sported by the high school hockey players in the Minnesota State High School Hockey Playoffs. Seeing as these commentaries affected us in glorious ways that we didn't even know possible, we thought it only right that we comment on them ourselves.
0:01 - Scrolling titles. Classy.
1:11 - TOSSING THE SALAD! That has a different meaning in Minnesota than I am used to I guess. Bonus points for the slow motion because the slow motion salad toss makes this kid look super dreamy. Man, my therapist is going to have a field day with that comment.
1:23 - Appreciation of the "straight, old-school mullet." Solid. MacGyver would be proud.
1:35 - Did he just compare Derek to a Christmas tree? How many kids named Derek do you think where in the tournament that year? If I ever get the opportunity to trash talk that guy after seeing this, I am just going to keep calling him "Jackpine."
1:50 - "I am surprised he was able to play with that heavy dose of Bieber Fever." I weep for the greatness of that line.
Seriously, that was color commentary of the highest order.
1:58 - Cutting to slow motion for the "proper flop." Sign of a talented director who appreciates the finer things in life.
2:22 - Dez brings the mustache and the perfect look for his future career as a really low end used car dealer.
2:29 - "We struggled to find a coach of the All Hockey Hair Team; most of these guys don't even have hair."
2:38 - Bruce from Hermantown powers his way into #3 on the All Hockey Hair Team just by flaunting his totally ordinary mane. Like a boss. How could the guys at Pulltab not have put him on the team with a powerful move like that? Also, this: "Just flaunting to the other coaches that he even still has hair." Genius.
2:52 - They almost disqualify David because of potential blow drying. Scandal rocks the All Hockey Hair Team. Also, it is absolutely fabulous how the narrator explains why they did not disqualify him.
3:02 - "He's Peroxide Jesus."
3:10 - They bleach it up for us.
3:16 - It is the look that seals the tournament for Mike. It is definitely the look. Kudos to the narrator for alerting us to that fact, because if he hadn't have pointed it out I never would have even noticed it.
3:27 - Honorable mentions! The best of the losers.
3:38 - The Skating Tomato.
3:52 - Did that goalie just blow us a kiss? How does not that give him the title?
3:59 - Eddie Rabbitt reference. Because I love a rainy night.
4:02 - The biggest worry is being prejudice against curls? Is that even on the on the radar of the NAACP? You bet it is: the National Association for the Advancement of Curled Pompadours.
4:18 - "Obviously St. Thomas is never going to win this thing." Obviously. That is hilarious if you follow Minnesota high school hockey. For the rest of us, it doesn't become hilarious until I tell you that St. Thomas is a Roman Catholic military school. And now you've wet your pants.
4:20 - I love that they have a sponsor and a promotion. Ripped from the heart of Big Dave himself. But I contend that the guys on the All Hair Hockey Team already have their hair styled pretty greatly and probably don't need much help. Although I suppose it takes a lot of work to look that good...
Amazing, right? Life. Altered. Great job Pulltab Productions! I think you deserve a hockey tape wrapped mixing board or something.