Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Speaking of Retirement

Well hello there, Company. In the coming weeks and months, you will notice that someone who doesn't matter will come out with a list of terms that need to be retired for 2014. That being said, we here are Big Dave and Company have decided that someone who does matter should make up a list of the same. So here it is: Words and Phrases that need to be retired from the colloquial lexicon as soon as possible. Let's make that ten minutes ago. And I suppose that we should start with the term "colloquial lexicon."

1.) "Colloquial Lexicon." I don't even know where the hell I came up with that.

2.) "Conversation." This has been twisted around by the Madison Avenue folks to mean contacting a business or organizaton. You don't call your investment advisor, you "start the conversation" about your investment. You don't call the Boys Town National Hotline, you "have a conversation" with them. It is done because they want you to think that they care. And some of them do. But most of the entities that have co-opted that phrase in order to make you think that they care. But aside from all those non-profit types, most of them don't really care about what you have to say. All they care about is your wallet.

3.) "Non-starter." A point of contention that you are willing to negotiate is not a "non-starter." My lawn mower, most of the time, is a non-starter. Most vehicles produced by GM in the 1980s are non-starters. That guy in your office who never seems to do anything productive at all is a non-starter. Any race official who is not in charge of beginning the race is a non-starter. I have a feeling that this term may have been around in diplomatic-type circles for a long time, because I heard some UN negotiator utter it on the radio not too long ago, but I don't care.

4.) "Blessed." It is great to be thankful for what you have but if I see this term one more time on Facebook I am going to cap a bitch.

5.) "Polar Vortex" Every time it gets cold in the eastern United States, it is not the result of the "polar vortex." Sometimes it is the result of this pesky thing that we have every year in this part of the world: winter. Happens all the time, and like the eskimos and snow, we have a lot of ways to define it. Meteorological winter. Astronomical winter. Winter as defined by the American Association of Heating and Cooling Specialists. Winter on the moon. Or winter as everyday people on the ground see it. But in the past what is now the "polar vortex" was simply a "cold snap" or "cold spell." And, since it has become very, very apparent that the mainstream media don't actually know anything about the actual meteorological phenomenon known as the "polar vortex" and are just using the term to sound cool, let's just put it to rest.