Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Ten Things

One time, on this very blog, we did a list in which each of the ten things we talked about started with the same letter as it's position on the list.  I vaguely remember that it was kind of fun to do, so let's do it again. Only this time we are going to connect them in a sort of reasonable way.

1.) Oleo - Oleo is what people who are much older than I call margarine.  It was the first synthetic butter, and it came clear and you had to like mix a little color packet into it.  That is a lot of work for fake butter.  Was butter really all that bad?  I mean, really?  So bad that you had to drive across state lines (if you lived in certain states) and mix colors in to have something to put on your toast?  I have to mix coloring into the grout I use on my bathroom tile.  And it probably tastes roughly the same as that original Oleo, too.

2.)  Toast - It is where you put your Oleo.  And it is fantastic.  There are not a lot of foods that are quite as
good as toast.  There is just something about it.  Plus, the appliance that makes it is a brave cartoon.  It is what you eat when you are sick usually, and it is one of the few common foods that has inspired its own song. (Yeah Toast!)  Take that, risotto.

3.) Teeth - It is what you use to eat your toast, unless you like blend it up or made a lot of dirty movies in college and can do things with your throat.  George Washington had very famous wooden false teeth, and since you probably can't prove me wrong without using Google, Bing, or Yahoo! I am going to make the claim that they were made from the wood of the even more famous cherry tree.  I just put that on the Internet so now it is true.  Take that, history. 

4.)  Flouride - You know they put that shit in your water?  It is like they can't trust you to brush your own #3 all night.  Just kidding.  Number 4 is France - as in the country that was partly behind the French and Indian War.  Did you know that George Washington served in the British Army in the French and Indian War?  Boom, there is your connection.  Anyway, France, courtesy of their hatred of the British, would go on to be a big ally of an early America.  And now we can't even keep our crinkle cut deep fried potatoes named after them.  My how soon we forget.

5.)  Franklin - Do you know who LOVED France?  Benjamin Franklin.  He was there all the time when he wasn't flying kites or printing shit.  And he loved the French ladies.  It is pretty impressive for a man who ran around in a wig and short pants to get as much action as he did over there, although in all fairness back then smart phones hadn't been invented and being good at puns was enough to get you an invitation upstairs.

6.) Stamps - Benjamin Franklin is on a lot of stamps.  That is something that you did not know.  Or maybe you did, I don't know, Company.  It should be no surprise that BF was on all sorts of postage because a.) he was the first Postmaster General and b.) he did all sorts of cool stuff.  And if random sports could get on stamps, the guy who figured out electricity and weather damn well should be.  Right? 

7.)  Saliva - Not the band.  Settle down.  The stuff that comes out of your mouth.  When I was a kid this is what you used to make your Benjamin Franklin stamps stick to the envelope.  Now it is done with a sticker and I am honestly a little bit disappointed.  I loved licking them things because licking things is cool but it is apparently socially unacceptable to just go around licking random things.  So I had to lick stamps.

8.)  Envelopes - This is the next thing that we aren't going to be able to lick anymore.  What the hell am I going to lick then?  Maybe I can bite something instead.

9.)  Nails.  As in fingernails.  I already do this, and I am really bad about it.  Once I run out of nails to bite I bite the end of my fingers.  If I were like Marilyn Manson I would have my lower ribs removed so that I could bite my toenails since I am not really all that flexible.  There is something about seeing the white part of my fingernails that I just can't stand.  And plus they taste like butter a little bit.  But it is not butter.  It's...

10.)  Oleo - OLEO!  That is right, we have come full circle. Just like Benjamin Franklin! BAM!  I am just kidding, I don't know if he ever got laid in France.  But if I were there at that time, that pun would have totally got me some.  But have you noticed that Oleo doesn't start with "T" and ten doesn't start with "O."  HA!  I got you good.  That is better than a pun.  Number 10 is Toes - where you have another set of nails.  Toes are attached to your feet, which you use to go get some margarine.  Or Oleo, as they call it.  Now we have come full circle.  Take that, France.

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