Wednesday, October 02, 2013

An Open Letter To The Woman Who Is Pissing Me Off At My Non-Media Mogul Second Job

Dear Woman Who Is Pissing Me Off At My Non-Media Mogul Second Job,

     I have absolutely no respect for you anymore.  I did at one point, but now instead of dealing with me like a civilized adult, you have decided to go over my head in a way that is clearly meant to intimidate me.  So that leads me to say fuck off and die.  At first you were just nosy and annoying but now you have pissed me off.  This behavior - general assholishness - should not surprise me seeing as where you live.  And the attitude that you cop with me on the telephone - that you care so much about the environment with just a hint of patronization added in just for effect - could not be more misplaced.  You do not care one bit about the environment at large.  You never cared about the giant, fifty year old issue located a mile from your property for the other forty years that you and it have been co-existing so peacefully.  It was out of sight, so it was out of mind.  But now that something has changed.  A minor, insignificant change that actually betters the greater good of everyone in the whole area at the detriment of one tiny little section of the horizon of a lake on which you do not own property.  That is the most selfish thing that I have ever heard.
     So here is what is going to happen.  Even though I have easy access to your home address, as well as both your land line and cell phone numbers, I am not going to come to where you live.  No, I am going to waste one minute of me precious time hunting you down.  But you had better believe that each and every one of my Unpaid Interns are currently combing databases that even NCIS couldn't get access to in their wildest dreams to find a current photo of you.  And it will be burned into my memory, so that one day when we meet on the street I can lay into you with the fury of a thousand volcanic eruptions.
      I am not going to hit you.   I am not a monster.  My mother raised me right and I don't hit girls.  But I am definitely not above yelling at you a lot in public, in front of at least a dozen people.  And I mean screaming, in your face, with little bits of spittle flying into your face while you just stand there and listen to it.  You husband will probably try to stick his bony old neck in but that won't be a problem because I can punch him in the Adam's apple and he will crumple like a piece of Ikea furniture with only half of the half of the connectors that they supplied you used in the construction.  So then it is back to you.  I am not going to spare a single emotion.  I am going lay it on thick and fast right in front of everyone, and you can believe me when I tell you that I am not going to let you get a word in edgewise.
     When it is all done you will be kneeling on the sidewalk, crying the big, salty, nasty tears that come with having your true self exposed to you in a very public way, leaning over your husband as he frantically stabs at the button on his medic alert necklace.  You are a selfish, unrealistic, stupid, and conceited idiot.  Go to hell and suck on a lemon that is laced with cyanide.

I hope you get SARS,

Big Dave.

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