Monday, September 16, 2013

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Today here at Big Dave and Company, we examine three things that you use every day and probably take for granted: rock, paper, and scissors.


Rock is a lot of things.  It is a genre of music.  It is a county in Wisconsin.  It is the choice in the game that
crushes scissors.  I am surprised that you didn't figure that one out for yourself.  That is the clever part of the title.  Anyway, rock is also really, really freaking hard earth and dirt.  It makes up the road that you drive on - because asphalt is really just rocks bound with tar and oil - and it makes up that road that you drive on when you go to the park that makes you feel all badass because it is gravel and it makes you feel like you really needed that four wheel drive SUV.   Rock is also a guy who used to play football and then was a wrestler and now is in movies and on TV.  Rock is hard.  Rock is versatile.  Rock it vitally important.  And remember, it always gets beat by paper.  Somehow.


Paper beats rock.  I have no idea how the hell that happens.  Yeah paper can cover a rock, but have you ever thrown a rock at a piece of paper? Goes right through last time I checked.  Unless there are like fifty pieces of paper put together.  Then it is a totally different scenario.  Have you ever thrown a rock at a phone book?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  Nobody does that.  But it you did you would find that it probably wouldn't go through.  That is the mystery of paper.  Well, part of the mystery.  Paper has this magic ability to make you seem a LOT busier than you really are.  Ever since that ancient Chinese guy tried to make wood alcohol and accidentally made paper, everything that is anything has had to be written down on paper.  It has created hundreds of millions of jobs - from loggers to people making roads for loggers (putting rock to use it should be noted) to legions of people in cubicles who shuffle papers from basket to basket.  And it has given me a wonderful new trick: When I want the Unpaid Interns to leave me alone, I just carry like six important looking folders around and look annoyed.  Works every time.  Oh, and it works great for wiping my ass.


Sometimes, when I am carrying the folders and looking annoyed - and super handsome to boot because I
wear a suit at all times Barney Stinson style - and the Unpaid Interns are scurrying away, you could cut the tension in the Worldwide Headquarters with a knife.  But why would you do that when you could use a scissors?  Because scissors are just two knives connected and supplied with an ergonomic handle.  It is the only one in the game that I really trust because, quite frankly it is the one one that is truthful, except that rock can be used to sharpen scissors...but we won't get into that argument here.  Unless you want to.  The point here is that scissors are the shit.  Have you ever been to one of those Japanese restaurants where the chef is there with the grill right in front of you and does all that amazing shit with the two knives?  That is not really a specialty kind of restaurant.  That is a form of Japanese Amish where they are stuck at a time pre-scissors and the guy JUST WANTS TO CUT THAT FOOD but he can't because they aren't able to use the bolt technology and ergonomic handle that make scissors, well, scissors.  A scissors is two knives, and all that guy wants is to have them connected.  BAM!  Scissors.  And you get delicious Japanese food.  Take that rock and paper.