Thursday, June 27, 2013

Your Google Hangout

     Let's talk about who is in the Google Hangout that is being featured in the television commercial that is on my television RIGHT NOW!

1.)  The first participant is an attractive 25 year old woman who is wearing skinny jeans, some sort of beret or something, and she is in a giant, sunny apartment with an amazing view of the San Francisco skyline.  This apartment would - in real life - cost an obscene amount of money to rent even though this person doesn't seem to have a job because it is the middle of a day on a weekday and she is in a Google hangout instead of - you know - working.  Unless of course she is a "Certified Google Hangout Co-ordinator," which is a job that only exists on a Google campus.

2.)  The second participant is across town in San Francisco, which is the only thing that this Google Hangout has in common with any in reality.  Yes, the fact that two people are on Google Hangout who could easily just be talking face to face is the only thing that the ideal commercial Google Hangout has in common with yours.  Anyway, the dude is there across town, or maybe across the Bay in Berkeley, and he is sitting outside at a cafe.  It is not an Internet cafe because out there every cafe is an Internet cafe, and he has his laptop open.  It is beautiful day outside, and he seems to be doing a good job sucking down coffee.  He is some sort of computer programmer, or more likely an aspiring writer who just sits around all day in cafes doing Google hangouts but is in his mind "trying to have real life experiences that will make the characters in my novel be more real and well rounded."  He is also wearing skinny jeans.

3.)  The third member of the commercial hangout lives in New York, because apparently no one in the middle of the country uses computers or Google.  There might be one guy in Denver who is always right in front of the mountains when he uses Google (or any Apple product) but he is not at this particular hangout.  The third guy is a minority, or more likely some sort of half minority that is just like one shade away from being a white dude.  He has dark Buddy Holly-style glasses and hair that looks a lot like Adam Duritz's.  He is wearing a blue and white flannel patterned shirt and he is in some sort of trendy looking exposed brick ex-industrial loft space.  He is an artist of some sort but he is too busy being in Google Hangout with the other attractive folks to make any art.  Except for the art of conversation.  BAZINGA!

Those are the only three people in the commercial Google Hangout, because there is only time for three people in a thirty second commercial.  But notice how there are no unattractive people in the Google Hangout and there are no unsuccessful people - despite the fact that they don't seem to have money earning jobs.  So now let's take a look at who is in your Google Hangout, shall we?

First of all, it is evening.  You and your friends don't do Google Hangout in the daytime because - well, you have jobs. And the clientele is a little bit different than the commercial hangout:

1.)  You are there.  And I am not going to get into you.  You know all about you.  But I will tell you that you are either at a kitchen table with a laptop or at a PC in a spare bedroom with a ton of shit cluttering the room behind you.  There is a two liter of Mountain Dew somewhere on the table or desk.

2-4.)  These are three of your friends.  They are pretty much just like you.  They are the same sex as you.  They are the same race as you. They like all of the same things, and they are also either at the kitchen table or at the family computer.  Unless one of your friends is my buddy Hardcore, in which case he is on a $2500 desktop computer in the living room of an apartment that is furnished with only a folding chair and a 56" television.  Anyway, all of them have Mountain Dew and all of them live within a ten minute drive of your house and/or apartment.

5.)  This is the one person who was in your group who was of the opposite sex.  I am going to assume that you are a dude, so this is the girl who hung out with you and the above three guys, and who all of you secretly wanted, but who went off to live somewhere else but still does Google Hangout with out because you are all really good friends.  None of you live on the coast.  Everyone lives in St. Joseph, MO except this person - they live in Dallas or something.  Maybe Louisville, KY or Knoxville, TN.  She is in an apartment with some cool looking posters in the background, and is probably using a tablet.  There is a dog lying in the background.  She is now like in her shorts and a t-shirt, but earlier in the day she had skinny jeans on. 

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