Sunday, April 21, 2013

Stop Wineing

     There was a time not too long ago when I used to go out a lot.  When I was in college, and for a few years thereafter, I used to frequent bars with all sorts of other boys and girls in their 20s trying to do...well, what most boys and girls in their 20s are trying to do at the bar.  Well, I am not in my 20s anymore, Company, and that is okay, but it is a little skeezy for me to be hanging around at the bars scoping out all the girls in their 20s every night.  But even though I am a media mogul, I still like to scope out girls in their 20s, and so in order to be less creepy and to stay in touch with the masses, I usually spend my summer moonlighting as a bartender, and I notice the same trends.  The fact is this, Company: somewhere along the way in life we abandon beer and liquor and get into the wine.  We all become winos.
      Well not all of us.  It happens to a few guys here and there, but it definitely a largely female phenomena.  In their 20s, boys and girls are out at bars and parties sucking down beer after beer after beer, and often times sending it back out the way it came in gross bathrooms, behind dumpsters, etc.  And it was equal for the most part.  Boys would drink liquor from time to time, usually easy mixers, and girls would drink liquor drinks that required a mixer (like a margarita or daquiri) or had to have special names.  I am looking at you Long Island Iced Tea.  But that was how it worked, and still works, when you are in your 20s.
     But now I am in my 30s, and I look around at all those girls that are suddenly in their 30s as well, girls that used to suck down beers with the best of them, and now here they are on The FB with gigantic glasses of wine in their hands.  When the hell did that happen?  Somewhere along the way the bottles in the background stopped being brown and 12 oz in size to being green and one liter.  Or litre if you are in Canada.  It happens all the time at the bar.  I don't pour wine for anyone under 30.  And girls over 30 don't generally drink beer, with the exception of a couple of craft beers.
      Now, I am not saying that the boys and men of the world are immune to the alcohol change, we are not.  There are always a few guys who start wineing, but I believe that it tends to happen a little later in life.  First we go through this sort of phase where we still drink beer and liquor but we drink a little bit nicer liquor and beer, or maybe light or lite beer instead, depending on the brand.  With exception, of course, of that one beer that is awful but that we still drink for nostalgia's sake.
     It does not matter what class you are, or how much you make either.  For every fifty or five hundred dollar bottle of wine there is a ten dollar bottle of wine, and those gigantic wine glasses that sit on every other shelf at Pier 1 will hold your Zuko Delicious Red box wine just as well as it will hold that 1990 Chateau Cos d'Estournal St. Estephe Bourdeaux the chick who cut you off in the Escalade will be drinking.  The wineing takes people of all types.
     Just think about it, Company.  Yeah you might have a bunch of beer in your fridge, or God willing a fridge in the basement or garage just for beer, but I would bet that you have a wine rack in your house somewhere.  When did that happen?  And I am sure you have some wine glasses in a cabinet somewhere too.  I bet those moved in at the same time.  The wineing has come.  And there is no way to stop it.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

An Open Letter to Augusta National Golf Club

Dear Augusta National Golf Club,

     The annual golf tournament that spotlights all that you are is in full swing this week with the actual golf part starting today, and as such a lot of your little quirks are being exposed to the world, or at least exposed as much as you allow them to be.  A lot is made of the fact that you are all the things that the golf courses that the rest of the world plays on (read, public courses) are not.  You are meticulously groomed.  You have 1.4 million rules, approximately half of which are unwritten.  You are covered with Jim Nantz's special sauce.  And mostly you are super exclusive.  I can't tell you how many times this week I have had to hear about how to wear one of your awful and pretentious green jackets you have to be rich as hell, how you don't admit people who come asking, how you only have thirty members, etc, etc. How the amount of tickets to watch your events are even incredibly scarce.  There was even an article on Yahoo! about how your food is affordable precisely because you don't need the money.  The point of all of this is to make it clear to me, and to 99.99999999999999999999999999999% of America, not to mention the rest of the world, that you simply don't care about us.  And that is just fine.  But here is the deal Augusta National Golf Club, I am just writing this open letter to you in order to let you know in front of everybody that I don't care about you.
      In fact, it goes a little deeper than that.  I don't give a shit about you.  Not one bit.  I don't even hate you.  I have nothing against you.  But I have no special feelings towards you.  I am totally ambivilent about your policies, practices, positions, members, etc.  I just simply do not care.  Aside from this week when CBS takes you and force feeds you to me, I do not devote a single moment of time to thinking about you ever.  The only exception would be if I were in Augusta and driving by I might mention to whomever is in the car that we were passing Augusta National, but other than that you don't even register a blip on my radar.
      I know that this doesn't matter to you.  Except that I also know that is a lie.  Just like it is a lie when I tell you that I don't care.  I obviously care because I am taking the time to write this letter and leave it open for everyone to read.  And you obviously care because you allow everyone to know just how exclusive you are.  That is why you - as rumor has it but if it were true it wouldn't surprise me one bit - you held up Bill Gates' membership for a couple of extra years.  Because he said that he wanted to be in.  And you don't respond to people who want to be in.  You make them wait and come to them.  You play very hard to get, because you desperately want to be wanted.  Scratch that, you desperately want to be needed.  Just like me.  Just like Mike-a-licious.  And just like Jean Pearson of Cascade Locks, OR.  We all need to be needed.  And so do you.  So very badly.
    The sad thing though is that it won't matter.  So many people fall victim to your little game.  So many people desperately want to be in.  So many want your hideous green jacket.  It just feeds your ego and strokes your..well, we will leave that to the imagination.  But I am not going to fall into the trap.  I am not going to play your game.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE A MEMBER OF AUGUSTA NATIONAL GOLF CLUB.  I just don't.  So there.  Go focus on everyone else.  I am not interested.  You have been given notice.  And truth be told, if you were to send me an invitation I would not accept it.  So don't bother.  Enjoy your taste of your own medicine.  I will just sit back and wait for my invitation to come in the mail.

Bite My Swimsuit Area,

Big Dave