Sunday, December 30, 2012

College Bowl Games We Wish They'd Play

Some time ago, we talked about Christmas movies that we wish they would make.  Well, in that spirit, and since the college football bowl season is in full swing, here are some ideas for five new Bowl games that we wish they would play:

Pins McGee Memorial New Year Holiday Football Extravaganza - This bowl game will be sponsored by the one and only Pins McGee, who is Big Dave's personal bowling coach.  It will feature the second place team from the Sun Belt Conference and the ninth place team from the ACC.  Despite being named after the New Year's holiday, it will be played on December 12th, immediately after the end of the regular season - and will be the bowl played the longest time from actual New Year's Day.  This bowl game will be played in Little Rock, Arkansas, a city which every 20-something athlete dreams of visiting as a reward.

The BCS Major Conference Money Bowl brought to you by MacGregor Athletic Wear- This bowl game exists so 6-6 UCLA can play 7-5 North Carolina State, even though neither of these teams really should be in a bowl game.   This game also exists so that the good folks at MacGregor Athletic Wear can have their name on a bowl game.  This game also exists because ESPN is willing to pay the schools more money than you will make in five years at your job just to show up and play.  It will be held on December 18th at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City, Missouri, another city where every college football player wants to go as a "reward" for their "good" season.

Fila Presents the Diamond Solar Salt South Pacific Football Classic - This will be the third of three bowl games held annually at Honolulu's Aloha Stadium, a venue that is rarely even filled for the other two.  Featuring the third-highest ranked independent team and the highest-ranked team with a .500 record, the only reason for having this bowl game is so that the administration and boosters of both South Dakota State and South Carolina can go to Hawai'i for free.  This game will be shown on CBS College Sports - which is available on approximately three cable systems nationwide and in parts of central Croatia.

The Fiesta Bowl Play for Pay for Play Bowl - This bowl game was developed by previous Fiesta Bowl administrations that have since been found to have been involved with some major financial violations.  In this game, two teams who have paid the highest amount to the Fiesta Bowl committee get to meet on the last weekend of the regular season.  The winner of the game gets the first opportunity to pay a bribe to the Fiesta Bowl so that the Fiesta Bowl will pick them in the BCS selection process.  This game will be aired exclusively by ESPN2 and marketed as "Brawl for the Bowl."  It will be played at Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe, Arizona, the former home of the Fiesta Bowl.

The Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage All American Football Victory Bowl - This game is played every year in Nashville, Tennessee and features the two Canadian college football teams with the best records.  The game follows Canadian football rules, features Canadian teams, plays the Canadian anthem before the start, and all tickets must be purchased with Canadian dollars.  Interestingly enough, this game is not attended by any of the students, faculty, or boosters of the teams which are playing in it.  100% of the ticket sales go to the Jimmy Dean corporation and the other "corporate champions" who each agree to sponsor one section of the stadium.  It is held in Nashville because their Convention and Visitors Bureau put together the most attractive hotel packages.  This game will be aired by ESPN, unless there is an Ohio State or Oklahoma intrasquad scrimmage being played at the same time.


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