Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Bitches and Hose

     There are some things in this life that people simple are not good at.  The girl at the hardware store is not good at counting out change.  Donald Trump is not good at doing his hair.  And we all know about my persistent struggles with pancakes.  But there is something else with which I am constantly struggling, in every situation that I have to deal with it.

Hoses.

I hate them.  They are ugly little pink bitches.  Get it?  Bitches and hose.  HAHAHAHA!  But seriously, I am dangerously and sadly deficient in dealing with average, everyday hose in just about every situation.  I came to this sad but not sudden realization just the other day.
This is how my yard looks every day.
    First I was getting the Worldwide Headquarters ready for winter.  In fact, I am always getting someplace ready for winter, what with my giant stable of properties in all latitudes and longitudes of the Earth, it is always winter somewhere.  So anyway, here I was at the Worldwide Headquarters trying to remove the hoses and put them away for the season, and it was a colossal failure.  Every time I try to wind up the hose, or even loop it over the little $4 hose reel attached to the side of the WWHQ it always ends up a travesty.  First of all, I end up dirty and wet without fail. Second of all, the loops are never, ever anything close to the same size.  And lastly, it always twists and kinks and knots itself in such a way that even Maniac McGee wouldn't be able to get it undone. 
     I always thought it was just my garden hose.  Okay, garden hoses.  But then I began to notice that it was happening to me all the time.  I took the vehicle down to the friendly local gas station to put some air in the tires, and the friendly local gas station had this fancy pants new winding air hose system, with all these rollers so that the house would spool and unspool neatly and correctly in any direction.  It even had a sort of spring loaded feature that was supposed to do the winding for you when you gave it a yank.  I managed to even screw that one up.  First of all, the spring mechanism never worked for me so whenever I would yank on the hose more would simply come out.  And it never spooled up correctly for me either, because even with all the high technology I still managed to get the hose wrapped all around the spool, the  building, itself, etc.  I am so bad with the hoses that I can't even get the idiot hose to work right.
     I fear that there is no hope for me.  I am sure that I could spend a lot of time and money forking over for someone to patiently teach me the physics and mechanics of hose reeling.  A hose handler maybe.  Okay, that sounded perverted.  Maybe a hose whisperer who knew all its tricks.  Or maybe I could just stuff my garden hoses in a basket and get some sort of snake charmer with a recorder to make it dance and sort it out.  Hey - that might be kind of cool.
     I do believe that there is one final frontier that might save me, but I am a little afraid to try it.  They make lay flat hoses - like firefighters use - that sort of lay flat when not filled with pressurized water, then you just roll them up like shoelaces or a Fruit by the Foot.  The problem is that I am sure that I will find a way to f- those up too, any they will end up knotted and kinked and broken just like the rest of the hose in my life.  And then where do you go?  Where in the hose world do you go when you have nowhere else to turn?  I am too afraid to find out, so I suppose that I will just keep soldering on along being forever frustrated when it comes time to water the garden until I can find an innovative new way to wind up the hose.
     Now maybe if I lay it on the ground and wrap it around this wheel rim...

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