Monday, September 24, 2012

An Open Letter to My Dog

Dear Dog,

     You are a very special boy, and I love you so.  I like to give you lots of kisses.  And I like to pet you so nicely.  That being said, we need to talk about the humping.
     I am not sure when you began this program of humping every other dog that you are around, but you really need to cut it out, for a number of reasons.  But we will get to those in a minute.  First off, I have to tell you that this humping behavior kind of came at me out of the blue.  When you were living in the doggy foster home, you didn't seem to take the other dog there to the Humpolympics.  During the times I saw the two of you out there in the yard or in the house you seemed to be just fine.  And the foster house lady did not say anything about it either.  So either it is a new behavior that you have developed recently, or it was just a really well-kept secret.  Anyway, the point of all of this is that I would appreciate it if you could not hump things under my watch if you weren't humping things under other peoples' watch.
     Now, to the reasons why the humping is bad.  Fist of all, it is terribly embarrassing.  At least it is for me.  I once saw you attempt to take a shit in the middle of the major highway intersection in our town, so I know that you have no shame.  None at all.  But I do a little bit.  And you incessant humping of other dogs is embarrassing to me.  Nobody like it, least of all the other dogs.  All of my friends make fun of me and pretty soon they aren't going to allow you to go with me when I go to their houses.  Or you will have to stay in the car, so I hope you like it in there.
     Second, you do not have any sense of appropriate timing.  Case in point:  the other day when you were doing it on the FIVE MONTH OLD unspayed puppy.  See, there was this sort of early-Halloween-Trick-or-Treat for the kids going on, and while we were handing out candy to the little kids, you were right behind us attempting to have your way with the puppy.  Granted, she seemed to be having no trouble with it, but your timing couldn't have been worse.  The old lady leading her grandchild around gave me one of the dirtiest looks I have ever received.  All because of your lack of appropriate timing knowledge.
     Yeah, the biggest thing about your humping is that you simply just don't know what you are doing.  Now, I know that most of us don't have the greatest of looks on our faces while we are going to town, but yours is quite frankly the stupidest look I have ever seen.  You have this look that says "I don't know what I am doing but am kind of glad to be doing it" and you are usually drooling a little bit.  Sick pervert.  Also, you generally fail to always hump your intended target.  Don't get me wrong, you get them more often than not, but sometimes you start when there is nothing around to hump.  You seem to hump the air an awful lot if the victim moves away or something.  One time you humped a bar stool too...I am not sure what that was all about.
     Lastly, it is a pretty fruitless enterprise for you, because you don't have the parts to make anything happen.  It is not just that you are shooting blanks...they took your ammo clip away a long time ago, okay?  So nothing will ever come from it other than that you will be really tired and I will be really embarrassed. Besides, I always catch you in the act and I always stop you.  If I had a hose with me while you were doing it I would turn that on you, but I always find a way to break it up, which invariably gets you scolded in front of everyone.  And that is not good for either of us.
     So I guess that I am asking is that you please knock it off with all the humping that you are doing when around other dogs, okay?  That would really make life easier for the both of us.  Thank you bud.


- Big Dave

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