Monday, September 24, 2012

An Open Letter to My Dog

Dear Dog,

     You are a very special boy, and I love you so.  I like to give you lots of kisses.  And I like to pet you so nicely.  That being said, we need to talk about the humping.
     I am not sure when you began this program of humping every other dog that you are around, but you really need to cut it out, for a number of reasons.  But we will get to those in a minute.  First off, I have to tell you that this humping behavior kind of came at me out of the blue.  When you were living in the doggy foster home, you didn't seem to take the other dog there to the Humpolympics.  During the times I saw the two of you out there in the yard or in the house you seemed to be just fine.  And the foster house lady did not say anything about it either.  So either it is a new behavior that you have developed recently, or it was just a really well-kept secret.  Anyway, the point of all of this is that I would appreciate it if you could not hump things under my watch if you weren't humping things under other peoples' watch.
     Now, to the reasons why the humping is bad.  Fist of all, it is terribly embarrassing.  At least it is for me.  I once saw you attempt to take a shit in the middle of the major highway intersection in our town, so I know that you have no shame.  None at all.  But I do a little bit.  And you incessant humping of other dogs is embarrassing to me.  Nobody like it, least of all the other dogs.  All of my friends make fun of me and pretty soon they aren't going to allow you to go with me when I go to their houses.  Or you will have to stay in the car, so I hope you like it in there.
     Second, you do not have any sense of appropriate timing.  Case in point:  the other day when you were doing it on the FIVE MONTH OLD unspayed puppy.  See, there was this sort of early-Halloween-Trick-or-Treat for the kids going on, and while we were handing out candy to the little kids, you were right behind us attempting to have your way with the puppy.  Granted, she seemed to be having no trouble with it, but your timing couldn't have been worse.  The old lady leading her grandchild around gave me one of the dirtiest looks I have ever received.  All because of your lack of appropriate timing knowledge.
     Yeah, the biggest thing about your humping is that you simply just don't know what you are doing.  Now, I know that most of us don't have the greatest of looks on our faces while we are going to town, but yours is quite frankly the stupidest look I have ever seen.  You have this look that says "I don't know what I am doing but am kind of glad to be doing it" and you are usually drooling a little bit.  Sick pervert.  Also, you generally fail to always hump your intended target.  Don't get me wrong, you get them more often than not, but sometimes you start when there is nothing around to hump.  You seem to hump the air an awful lot if the victim moves away or something.  One time you humped a bar stool too...I am not sure what that was all about.
     Lastly, it is a pretty fruitless enterprise for you, because you don't have the parts to make anything happen.  It is not just that you are shooting blanks...they took your ammo clip away a long time ago, okay?  So nothing will ever come from it other than that you will be really tired and I will be really embarrassed. Besides, I always catch you in the act and I always stop you.  If I had a hose with me while you were doing it I would turn that on you, but I always find a way to break it up, which invariably gets you scolded in front of everyone.  And that is not good for either of us.
     So I guess that I am asking is that you please knock it off with all the humping that you are doing when around other dogs, okay?  That would really make life easier for the both of us.  Thank you bud.


- Big Dave

Friday, September 21, 2012

Get Drunk and Fire Away

This is coming Powder Springs.
    A lot of people have done a lot of stupid fucking things in life, Company.  A lot of groups have enacted stupid fucking plans or put stupid programs into place.  For instance: PETA's stupid plan to throw paint on peoples' fur coats.  That doesn't do anything proactive because it just causes the rich people who have furs (and probably have them insured) to go out and buy new furs.  And you know what that means.  Anyway, back to the lecture at hand...a couple in Georgia has proposed an idea that sounds just horrible, but maybe won't be as bad as you think.  They have proposed - and been given approval to build - an indoor gun range that includes a full bar and lounge.
     Truth be told, the only thing that really surprises me about this is that it isn't in Texas.  Unless of course these already litter the countryside there.  At first glance, this is a terrible, horrible, no good very bad idea.  Especially when one considers the housing development going on next door.  I am not sure that there has been a scientific study done on this subject, but any quick glance at the evening news or any American newspaper can easily confirm that guns and alcohol generally do not mix well.  No one has ever pulled their piece on someone in an argument over say, how short the grass should be cut, and popped a cap in the other person, and then at their sentencing said "If only I had been piss drunk then maybe cooler heads would have prevailed."  Again - maybe in Texas.  I mean, look at how mixing guns and alcohol worked for the people in the Old West.  You see it in every movie - a bunch of guys with ten gallon hats and weird handkerchief ascots sitting around a saloon drinking whiskey and suddenly there is an argument and before long someone is getting thrown through those swinging doors that I never understood because they don't really keep anyone out OR in or provide any sort of meaningful protection (by the way, being a swinging door maker in the Old West was probably one of the most lucrative trades there could be; every town had at least three bars and those doors were getting busted like every other night).  Anyway, once the guy went through the doors or the window where did everyone end up?  Drunk in the street firing guns at one another.
     And is exactly what all the folks in Powder Springs, Georgia (population 13,940 and located just west of Atlanta) were worried about.  Gunfights in the streets.  And those weird handkerchief ascots.  Those things are messed up.  So as would be expected, the area residents were none to happy with the idea.  They didn't seem to mind the $3.5 million indoor shooting range in their backyards, but they - like you and I - balked at the idea of a gun range that served alcohol.
     So why then, did 80% of the Powder Springs City Council vote to allow this seemingly ill-conceived project to proceed?  They did it because the owners of the proposed club have included one special safety feature: swipe cards.  All of the members of the club would have swipeable ID cards that would get them into the building, into the gun range, into the locker rooms, etc.  The plan for the club would be that members would have to use their swipe cards to order drinks, and once they have ordered a drink their swipe card would not allow them into the gun range for rest of the day.  That was enough to make the City Council pull the trigger - pun intended - on this project.
     And that sounds like a pretty good plan.  I would be okay with that in my neighborhood.  And I would suspect that 99.99% of people who are going to join the gun club are going to be smart and responsible enough to not drink a fifth of Wild Turkey and then go pop off a few rounds.  I really believe that.  The people who are going to irresponsibly get drink and indiscrimitaely shoot off weapons are going to do it out in the woods behind their house.  Here are what the .01% are going to do at the club:
     Billy Joe and Jimmy Bobb are going to join the club and get their swipe cards.  On Monday, Billy Joe is going to swipe his card to buy all the drinks.  Then Jimmy Bobb is going to swipe his card to get them into the range.  On Tuesday, Jimmy Bobb is going to swipe his card to buy all the drinks and Billy Joe will swipe them into the range.  Mark my words...someone will try that pretty quickly.  Now I am sure that the owners have figured that into their plan, and it will be pretty easy for the staff to keep tabs on who is doing what.  But mark my words...someone will try.  And if they succeed then shit will go down.  Let the blasting begin!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Arrrgggghhh...shive me timbers, matey.  Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day.  If you do not speak the language of the sea, I be authorized by sword or lead to take from you all your gold dabloons and send ye to Davy Jones's locker. So lower the mainsails and all hands on deck for International Talk Like a Pirate Day, and if ye housewench won't comply TIE HER TO THE MIZZENMAST!  But ye be warned, 'tis a dangerous wind that blows with that one, for tomorrow ye housewench may banish ye to the deserted island that is the couch, or worse send ye to walk the plank. But for today, all aboard the Jolly Roger, and send ye out to plumder from the Queen's fleet, for it's INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!

Sunday, September 09, 2012

The Oval of Insanity

     As people in the Western world became more and more enamored with the automobile, a problem developed regarding the license plates on all the cars that we were driving, especially in Europe, where there are approximately 38,000 separate countries crammed into an area approximately the size of Wyoming.  That might be a bit of exaggeration, but you get the point.  What was happening over there was that authorities were having trouble identifying where motorists were from because most of the countries had really similar looking license plates.  So somewhere along the way at the United Nations they got together and enacted the Conventions on Road Traffic that required that motorists put these oval nationality stickers on the back of their cars that had a unique code for their country of origin if they are going to travel from nation to nation.  If you were from Germany you had one with a "D", from Poland a "PL", or "BC" if you were from the Belgian Congo.  Now, these were exceedingly rare in the US, okay?  Mostly because most of us only went to Canada, if anywhere, and we all had unique license plates on our vehicles issued by the state we lived in.  But in Europe they were all over.
     Well now they are all over here - sort of - and I couldn't be more pissed off about it.  It began over here mostly with Volkswagens.  There was always some douche supreme who had one with a "D" on it on their Diesel Rabbit, or some idiot with a VW Bus that had it because they thought they were cool and they were cultured and progressive and European when really they were just unemployed and pretentious.  And then there was the guy with the BMW who had the Euro-style plate on the front and the oval sticker on the back.  And then it happened.  Someone decided to put a cheeky code in it for a vacation destination.  Now they are everywhere.
     The first one that I noticed with regularity was "OBX" for the Outer Banks of North Carolina, so I am going to blame the Outer Banks for this utterly stupid fucking fad of putting a million of these things on the back of your Suburban or Outback or whatever.  I don't give a flying fuck about the fact that you have been to Lake Superior, so I don't need to see a while oval with "LS" on the back of your car, especially since officially "LS" denotes that you are from Lesotho, and has been since 1967.  I don't care that you have "NYC" in an oval because you think New York is neat, even though you have never been there, or that you have a "VT" sticker because you either live in Vermont or go to Virginia Tech.  Or that you went past a place in Duluth once that sold them so you bought one that says "BWCA" because you like the Boundary Waters Canoe Area.
     No, it is just fucking retarded, Company.  And that is the end of it.  Just retarded.  Take them off of your cars because that is not what they are meant for.  They are actually wrong for a whole lot of reasons.  First, because they do not denote nationality as INTERNATIONAL LAW SAYS THEY SHOULD.  Actually, I am a little disappointed that you did not figure that part out on your own, Company.  Maybe you should cut down on the Mountain Dew.  Second, they are meant to denote to place of origin, NOT NEAT PLACES YOU HAVE VISITED.  All you people have it fucking backwards.  You put one with "JH" on it because you spent a week in Jackson's Hole one time, when really your should have one that says "TP" because you are an idiot who lives in Tinley Park, Illinois, and because you deserve to be wrapped in toilet paper and lit on fire.  Third, they are just stupid and look idiotic.  So stop buying them.  And if you own a shop in a touristy place stop selling them.  It is wrong and lame for so many reasons.  And it makes me really confused as to what country you are from.

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Ten Songs I Wish William Schattner Would Do A Spoken Word Version Of

Ten songs that I wish William Schattner would do a spoken word version of:

1.) Baby Got Back - You know that you want to hear this too.  Just think about it for like twelve seconds and you will be grinning ear to ear.

2.) Oh Canada - The Canadian National Anthem.  I know that this is a bit of a surprise but it just makes me smile to think of the potential.

3.) Gangsta's Paradise - WS can be pretty badass, and I think that even with him doing a spoken word version of this song, I could imagine him being pretty hard.  Pretty fucking hard.

4.)  Picture - You know, that annoying Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow song.  I think Schattner is good enough to do both parts, and to pull them off spectacularly.

5.)  The Theme from Three's Company - Oh yeah.  And then he would bed both of those girls.  Actually, all of those girls because he would get with each of the blondes that were in that show over the years.

6.)  Always Look On the Bright Side of Life - Come to think of it, the WS version wouldn't be that much different from Monty Python's.

7.)  Any Eminem Song - Because that would piss Eminem off so much.

8.)  Tequilla - HILARIOUS!  And we would have to make a video too.

9.)  Amazing Grace - Wish bagpipe accompanyment.

10.)  Hollaback Girl - Because Schattner ain't no hollaback girl.  He ain't no hollaback girl.