Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Randm Thoughts

     So, I know it has been an awfully long time, but I have been a busy media mogul, so cut me some fucking slack.  The good news is that while I was busy taking care of the tremendous amount of business that I take are of, I had some time to have some random thoughts land and actually stick in my brain.

1.)  Just because you own a truck and you can swing a hammer does not mean that you are a contractor.  That is the truth, as much as it hurts.  You aren't a property manager, you aren't a handyman, you aren't a contractor.  No more than owning a freezer and an ice cream scoop makes me Ben and/or Jerry.  You are just a guy who can't bring himself to have a boss or someone who just likes poking around other people's houses.

Speaking of your car...

2.)  It is still true that no one cares about what lake you live on.  Or the fact that you like the town where your vacation home is located.  So get it the hell off your license plate.  Especially since all the good combinations have been taken already.  So now I am stuck trying to figure out which crappy lake is represented on your license plate, and if I can't figure it out with my encyclopedic knowledge of the local geography of every place, then no one else is going to be able to figure it out either.  And all of us will probably crash into you trying to figure it out.  Also, I am going to start keying your car every time I walk past it.  Once you are done paying the increased insurance premiums from all the accidents and keying, you might as well just give them the shirt off of your back.

Speaking of your clothing...

3.) Having the name of your lake on your clothing is just a bad.  Scratch that, it is even worse.  Worse because it is a new and nefarious horseshit way of making me angry.  Oh, and wearing the T-shirt of the place that you have a second home, or the Hard Rock Café t-shirt of the place you are visiting is the easiest way to label yourself a tourist.  And you can only get away with that in tourist places.  Take a day and count how many people wear a "Bismarck, North Dakota" t-shirt in Bismarck, North Dakota, on an average day.  Oh wait, that is because it is stupid.

On a totally different subject...

4.)  Your life is not diminished by the lack of an e-reader.  I know that they are the hot new thing, but let's be honest, the book was a pretty solid technology for the last 700 years or so.   They are compact.  They are portable.  You can get them for nearly free from these wonderful places called libraries.  Libraries are a lot like the iTunes Store but they have air conditioning and cost less.  And the great things about books is that they are not designed to fail after three years so you have to buy another.  And you can never forget to charge them...

While we are talking about your consumer electronics...

5.)  Do not take that tablet camping.  Just don't do it.  I saw a commercial where a guy takes his kid camping and they basically use the tablet the whole entire time for everything.  That tells me that the guy doesn't know anything about the outdoors, because he is looking up pictures of frogs and reading "Goodnight, Moon" or whatever.  There is that book thing again.  And then you find out that they are camping in the backyard.  That is the super douchy thing that only people in suburban San Francisco do, which according to every commercial is the only place where anyone owns a tablet or a cell phone.  I was wondering how he got it recharged every day and always had a signal.

Oh, and one last thought while we are talking about camping...

6.)  It is official.  I am off of the high horse.  I am rubber stamping - notarized - that camping in an RV is still camping.  Even if you have one of those gigantic eleventy-billion dollar things that has marble countertops and an helipad and several small RVs behind it with all the servants, it is still camping as of RIGHT NOW!  That is right, if your particular state requires it to have a license plate on it AND there are leveling jacks...then you are camping my friend.  Oh, or if you are in a tent.  Or if you are just lying outside on the ground.  Unless you have a bindle.  Then you are probably a hobo.  And if you are sleeping outside with no cover in a hammock, then you are just a lazy bitch.

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