Monday, August 27, 2012

Big Government Serving You

     There is a great debate in our society right now regarding our government, and it centers around the size.  There are lots of people who believe that government should be big and provide lots of services, and there are lots of people who believe that it should be as small as possible.  Now as you know, Company, we generally do not do politics here but we are going to just dabble a little bit here, just dip a toe into the political arena.  I am not going to come down on one side or another, but if you are on the big government side I have some supporting ammunition for the fact that you should immediately hire a bunch of people and begin a bunch of new programs, ones that I will gladly pay more income tax in order to support.
     See, something atrocious was allowed to happen just today.  Something that the NSA should have seen coming and that someone in some sort of special ops department should have stopped somewhere during the last months.  That event is - of course - Snooki giving birth.  You all know Snooki, Company.  She is that useless waste of space that is popular simply because she wears tight clothes and puts out in hot tubs (Exhibit 1 as to how real life and high school are essentially the same) and lives in New Jersey and once when to Italy, which she wouldn't have been able to find if someone else wasn't flying the plane.  But I digress.  The point is that she had this child - names Lorenzo - and she really should not have.  Someone from the government should have stepped in and put a stop to that.  And they had plenty of chances.
      It should have been done at conception, actually.  It would have saved a lot of people a lot of trouble.  Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones should have rolled into the bedroom or taxi or nightclub ladies room where she got knocked up, and when the guy was about to blow it they should have hit with a stick and said "NO!"  Like he was a dog getting ready to shit on the linoleum.  Or they could have pistol whipped him repeatedly until he passed out and wasn't able to finish the deed. Or, they could have been super proactive and just fed him drinks on their tab all night long so he had whiskey dick and then all would have been said and done.
A pox upon our land.
     But they failed.  No one put a stop to this.  I am sure that there were eighty paparazzi there, plus the film crew making the inevitable sex tape, so it is really inexcusable that our government wasn't there watching out for the good of all the land.  Yet they still had their chances.  Why weren't there all sorts of Navy recruits or Peach Corps workers all over the place just waiting to push her down the stairs or maybe kick her in the stomach.  Something, anything, to keep her from bringing that baby to the world.  Not that I am taking an abortion stance one way or the other, but somewhere along the way the government should have put a stop to this business.  Because, let's be honest, Snooki should not have children.
     Nope.  She shouldn't.  And the government failed to recognize that.  They should have had the National Guard there in the delivery room, shoving with all their manpower and Humvees and maybe a helicopter or two to get that thing to go back in.  Generals with a million medals smoking stogies in a war room with up-to-the-second updated about what was happening.  The President on the red phone looking concerned.  An intricate system of ropes and pulleys to keep dialation from happening.  Maybe designer drugs to make everything come to a grinding halt.  Anything to keep Snooki from becoming a parent.  Because that is not going to end well.
     I know that there are lots of people who have acted a lot like Snooki and have become very good and responsible parents.  I get that.  I understand.  But there is a lot of pressure when someone has to transition from party girl to mother of one.  A mother something.  Just kidding.  But that is a hard thing.  And it is an especially hard thing to do when you have to do it on television and you have a nasty reputation for being a party girl.  Fame is a wicked thing, Company, and it can be addictive.  The smart buy is to spend your fifteen minutes of fame figuring out how to get your next fifteen minutes.  So this poor kid is going to have to be raised in front of MTV cameras and - you can ask anyone - that never ends well.  Especially when your mom is known by a name that sounds like a product that you curl up in on cold nights when you just want to read mystery novels and drink hot cocoa.  With lots of booze in it.
     Anyway, the point here - for those of you who are politically inclined - is that a little more government could have prevented what we are going to be forced to watch for the next fifteen years until he lands on "Celebrity Rehab."  I am pretty sure that not having to have someone go through this hot mess is worth the extra taxes.  Totally worth it.

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