What the hell is your god-damn problem? Do you have some sort of concussion? Were you born and raised in some sort of place where there are no rules? Did you have all of your common sense removed by a tremendous amount of lead paint chips when you were a younger man? Because I saw you do something today that is quite possibly the stupidest thing that I have ever seen before in my life, and I once saw a guy put Icy Hot on his taint and go in the shower just to see what it felt like.
Just in case you aren't aware of just which mini van driving knitwit that you are, let me set out the scene. It was a Dodge Grand Caravan. It was sort of somewhere between beige and gold. And you were towing a twenty-year-old ski boat. You were at the friendly local grocery store, and you were in buying something. That is fine. But it is the way that you parked that has made me SO...VERY...ANGRY with you.
It was not busy at said friendly local grocery store. There were lots - and by lots I mean at least two dozen - available parking spaces in the lot. There were plenty of spaces end to end that were available, so that you could pull in, pull through, and have your stupid van in one space and your lame fucking boat in the space behind it. But no, those - at approximately seventy-five feet away from the front door - were apparently too far away. Or else you were just too much of a low-grade moron to be able to figure out the mechanics of the situation, because you chose to pull right into a single depth space facing a curb with your boat hanging out AND BLOCKING THE MAIN LANE OF TRAFFIC IN THE PARKING LOT. If you don't understand, please refer to this crude diagram that I created using Paint (Exhibit A).
In closing, I don't hope that you die, but I hope something awful happens to you. I hope that you take the winning ticket for the $214 million lottery prize in to the claims office one day after the claim deadline because you accidentally locked it in your fucking stupid boat, and then that your house is completely burglarized while you are trying to claim your prize, and that you forgot to send a check for your homeowners insurance for three months because you obviously can't cut a check if you park your van like that. So enjoy that, and if I ever see you pull that stunt again, I am going to call the police. And I am going to key your van. And I am going to steal the plug from your boat.
I Hope Your Nuts Get Caught in a Bear Trap,
- Big Dave