Sunday, August 19, 2012

An Open Letter to the Guy Driving the Mini Van with the Boat Behind It

Dear Guy Driving the Mini Van with the Boat Behind It,

     What the hell is your god-damn problem?  Do you have some sort of concussion?  Were you born and raised in some sort of place where there are no rules?  Did you have all of your common sense removed by a tremendous amount of lead paint chips when you were a younger man?  Because I saw you do something today that is quite possibly the stupidest thing that I have ever seen before in my life, and I once saw a guy put Icy Hot on his taint and go in the shower just to see what it felt like.
     Just in case you aren't aware of just which mini van driving knitwit that you are, let me set out the scene.  It was a Dodge Grand Caravan.  It was sort of somewhere between beige and gold.  And you were towing a twenty-year-old ski boat.  You were at the friendly local grocery store, and you were in buying something.  That is fine.  But it is the way that you parked that has made me SO...VERY...ANGRY with you.
     It was not busy at said friendly local grocery store.  There were lots - and by lots I mean at least two dozen - available parking spaces in the lot.  There were plenty of spaces end to end that were available, so that you could pull in, pull through, and have your stupid van in one space and your lame fucking boat in the space behind it.  But no, those - at approximately seventy-five feet away from the front door - were apparently too far away.  Or else you were just too much of a low-grade moron to be able to figure out the mechanics of the situation, because you chose to pull right into a single depth space facing a curb with your boat hanging out AND BLOCKING THE MAIN LANE OF TRAFFIC IN THE PARKING LOT.  If you don't understand, please refer to this crude diagram that I created using Paint (Exhibit A).
Exhibit A
    Go fuck yourself and sit on a flaming stake.  A rusty flaming stake.  I know that you be hard to find but I have some top scientists at some pretty top-flight universities working on it.  Oh, and CERN is on the case too.  Because that is what I think you deserve.  I cannot even begin to imagine what would compel you to do such a thing.  Oh wait, I know, you are a fucking stuck up, self-absorbed slab of cells that mother nature could have used for something productive.  What in the world would make you think that was okay?  Please tell me.  Because I can't think of it.  I know that you were on vacation because you had giant license plate holder advertisements for out-of-town dealers and big decals for a high school that is nowhere near here.  The point is that you would never think that was acceptable when you were at home, so what would make you think it was okay here?  If I did that in your town you would be cursing me a blue streak on your way to Starbucks or driving class - which is where you really should be going.
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
     You are lucky...because I was about this close (Exhibit B) to calling the police on you.  THIS CLOSE (Exhibit C).  But I didn't do it, and I don't know why.  To this minute I am kicking myself for not bothering the police - who I assure you had nothing better to do - to have them come and harass you for a while.  Actually, what I should have done was hijacked a semi truck at fork-point and run it through your boat at a tremendous rate of speed, splattering bits of your Ski Nautique over a five-block radius.  And with luck it would have at least bent the frame of your asshole-mobile too.  And I am sure that your insurance company would have rejected your claim...oh I don't know...because you parked like a dumbass.  And then they would have jacked up your premiums just because you are wasting all sorts of oxygen, paper, water, and other resources just by being alive.
     In closing, I don't hope that you die, but I hope something awful happens to you.  I hope that you take the winning ticket for the $214 million lottery prize in to the claims office one day after the claim deadline because you accidentally locked it in your fucking stupid boat, and then that your house is completely burglarized while you are trying to claim your prize, and that you forgot to send a check for your homeowners insurance for three months because you obviously can't cut a check if you park your van like that.  So enjoy that, and if I ever see you pull that stunt again, I am going to call the police.  And I am going to key your van.  And I am going to steal the plug from your boat.

I Hope Your Nuts Get Caught in a Bear Trap,

- Big Dave

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