Wednesday, January 18, 2012

An Open Letter to the Person Staring Into the Front Door of the Bar

Dear Person Staring Into the Front Door of the Bar,

      What the hell is your Goddamned problem?  Just wondering.  I am not sure if you realize this, but even though you are sitting in your tiny SUV with a giant roof box on top of it, I can still see you.  Your vehicle is not invisible nor does it make you so.  It is actually the exact opposite.  Since it is dark outside and your Jeep Liberty has a ridiculous giant light bar on top of it that you really will never need, you stand out like a black man playing professional hockey.  In Russia.  Let me go ahead and explain to you what your actions looked like from my vantage point inside the bar and maybe you will get a sense of just how fucking stupid and idiotic you look.
      First you drove by and stomped on the breaks, which is not anything unusual because there is a stop sign one building past the bar.  Fine, that happens all the time.  But it was awfully sudden.  Then you whipped a shitty (U-turn for the unhip) in the middle of the intersection and came right back.  Now that is a little unusual, and since I do very little at the bar other than watch the cars go by I noticed you immediately.  Especially when you stopped exactly in front of the door.  I can see you in your dumbass-mobile staring in through the front door at the group of six or so women sitting in the dining room having one of those parties where they try to sell one another things that none of them really need.  I see you staring in but I am thinking in my mind that just maybe you are looking at the many signs and specials listed in the window.  All completely plausable things that are somewhat normal.
     But that is where it ended.  Not the behavior but the normalcy of it.  You then began to sort of pull forward like a foot while stopped in the middle of the flow of traffic (if there had been any traffic) so that you could peer through the glass front door at a different angle.  Apparently that angle wasn't sufficient enough for you too see whatever the hell it was that you were looking for, so you threw it in reverse and actually BACKED UP so you could get a better view.  Silly me, I still held out a little hope for you - I thought you might be trying to back into one of the parking spaces across the street and just doing a REALLY subpar job.  I mean, I have seen students who have been driving for like seven minutes do a better job than you were doing but that is neither here nor there.  The fact is that you weren't being incompetent, you were being an incompetent fucking idiot douche.
     I actually watched you though the windows of the bar (which are glass and can be seen through by the way) and the windows of the car (which are glass and can also be seen through by the way) as you began to freak out when you saw the lights of a car start to approach from behind.  That was pretty sweet.  I could see your head turning all different ways and your face being all ridiculous because you just COULDN'T BEAR to not be staring into the bar even for just a minute.  So off you went so the cars could go by.
    But you weren't done.  Not by a long shot.  You circled the block.  I will say it again, but in the Internet version of raising my voice, because it is ridiculous.  YOU CIRCLED THE BLOCK!  And did the same thing.  Stopped right in front of the bar, staring through the door while stopped in the middle of the street.  THEN YOU DID IT AGAIN!  What the fuck is with that?  At the moment that you came back by the third time, one of the women from the party jumped up and put her coat on very suddenly, and I thought maybe you were there to pick her up.  But she said no.  And I asked her.  I asked her.  And you made me do that.  You made me because of your fucking stupid behavior.  Sounds a little idiotic now that you see it from this side, doesn't it?
     So what was the deal?  Who were you, and why were you so interested in what was going on in the bar but so unwilling to just come inside?  Was it one of those classic situations where you wanted to know if anyone was in the bar before you would decided to come in?  I certainly hope not, because that is just fucking stupid.  Really stupid.  Like, if that is the game that you are playing then you should just get out of your car and lie down in traffic, because there is no real reason for you to go on.  If you are over 25 - and believe me I know you were - and you won't go into a bar or establishment because there are no other people in there then there is just no hope left for you and you should just go quietly away forever.  Maybe to some island.  Or maybe you should be banished to the mall because that is filled with people and it is soulless and stupid and the kind of place that you deserve.
      I am thinking that maybe you are from another establishment and you were all worried about why there were SIX FUCKING PEOPLE in the bar that I was at.  I am thinking that is the deal.  Well if that is the case just settle down, because it is only six people.  And I assure you that they weren't drinking anything.  So settle down and stop breaking all sorts of laws in order to peek and be a perv.  I know that there probably isn't anything going on at your establishment and you are curious as to where the business is happening, but at least have the guts to walk into the mouth of the beast, say hello, and order a beer.  Don't be a complete and total idiot pansy.
     So with that I hope that you just go away forever and keep your creeping to another location.  If I ever see you pulling the same trick in front of my bar again I am going to come outside and knock on the window of your car.  That's just how it has to be, because I am not going to take it anymore.

Go Fuck Yourself,

- Big Dave


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