Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas Movies They Should Have Made

     So I am lying here on the couch watching a movie titled Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and it is...to be blunt...terrible.  No wait, super terrible.  But it has sort of inspired me to think of some other awesome Christmas movies that should have been made:

Santa Claus vs. the Devil - Santa fights the Devil with the help of some earnest young children, thereby saving Christmas and putting everyone on his "nice" list.

KISS Saves Santa - This is the movie that Peter Griffin loves to watch in Family Guy, in which KISS saves Santa from some sort of dinosaur.  I sort of wish they would actually make this movie some day.

KISS Saves Santa and the Martians from the Devil - Sort of a hybrid of the three movies that we have already talked about.  Santa has expanded his toy-giving mission to the children of Mars, except he has cleverly chosen for their Christmas Day to fall in late June.  He is there delivering his presents when a terrible race of dinosaurs - angry about being beamed to Mars from Earth by the Martians million of years ago just to be places in zoos - erupts from Olympus Mons and begins to terrorize the whole planet.  KISS comes to the rescue and is able to defeat the evil dinosaurs with nothing more than the power of Gene Simmons' tongue.  They then send in the KISS Army to help rebuild Santa's workshop and manufacture all the toys for the Martian Christmas in one night.

Rush Hour 4: Christmas Rush - Santa teams up with Chris Tucker to defeat the Russian mafia, who are holding Jackie Chan hostage on a monestary island in Kowloon Harbor.  Unlike Tucker, Santa can perfectly understand the words that are coming out of Jackie Chan's mouth.  Tucker shoots people, Jackie Chan uses martial arts, and Santa throws toy soldiers through peoples faces.  He also chokes a guy with the zip cord on his toy sack.

Indiana Jones and the Tomb of the Gods - Set in the late 1930s, Indiana Jones discovers that the body of Christ has been preserved for all eternity deep under a pyramid that rises from a plain in India, which is also Santa's original workshop.  It is being guarded by Nazis intent on exploiting the body by using Jesus' DNA to help purify the Nordic German race.  Tired of years of working at the North Pole, Santa teams up with Indiana Jones to defeat the Nazis by tricking them into not covering their ears when God speaks so their heads explode.  He then gives coal to all of their children.

Field of Dreams 2 - Children build a football field in the middle of a Christmas tree farm because some narrator from upon high has told them that if they build a giant stadium the NFL will award their city the Super Bowl in 2016.  Once they build the basic field, football players from the past begin to emerge from the trees to take part in some sort of ghostly game.  Right before game time Santa arrives in his sleigh to play quaterback for the home team.  He throws for 426 yards, 3 touchdown, and 1 interception, but still needs a last minute drive to win.  Barry Sanders scores the winning touchdown for the home team and when he spikes the ball all the thousands of Christmas trees in the farm around the field instantly become lit with Christmas lights. 


Church of Santatology - Santa and Samuel L. Jackson work together to infiltrate the Church of Scientology and teach all of the celebrities the true meaning of Christmas.  The epic scene occurs at the end when Santa has to defeat the embalmed zombie body of L. Ron Hubbard using nothing but hand-to-hand combat.  He ultimately defeats the zombie Hubbard by stuffing his Santa hat down the zombie's throat then stabbing him with the sharpened femur of zombie Joseph Smith, who has been killed in a vicious knife fight with Samuel L. Jackson.  This film will have to rated R.  For ridiculous.

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