Monday, October 24, 2011

Three Name Pony

    Unless your family is extremely devoutly Catholic (in which case you'd have like fifteen names), then I would guess that you are a lot like me and have three names - a first, a last, and a middle.  Sometimes people call them things like your Christian name, your given name, or whatever.  Sometimes if you are a lady your maiden name becomes your middle name.  And sometimes you go down to the courthouse and change your middle name to a letter so you can be named World B. Free.
     Despite having these three names, most of us just use two and maybe the first letter of the middle one, like Arthur P. Goodcock or John Q. Public.  That is what most of us would call the "norm."  There is even a subset of the population that must not like their first name and use their middle one in everyday use, like if your name is Francis Jason McMurdo and you have everyone call you Jason.  That I guess I understand, and some people actually stick the first letter of their first name on the front because they want to sort of be similar to the rest of us, but it just comes off as sort of being pretentious - F. Dallas Taint for example.  Or P. Allen Smith the gardening guy.
     But then there are those people who for some reason use all three of their names, and I ask, what the hell is up with that?  I know one very good friend of mine who does it because she absolutely hates her first name, but when you combine it with her middle name it makes a name is also used a lot like a first name.  For example, if you first name was Jo and your middle name was Ann you might go a Jo Ann because it sounds like Joanne, ya dig?  But what is up with people like Haley Joel Osment?  Or Jonathan Taylor Thomas?  Or Sarah Michelle Gellar?  What is the deal with those famous actor types?  Or what about the girl on the Sunday morning children's educational show that I was watching the other day?  Why would she use three names?  Aside from the example that I laid out above - which I totally understand - but I don't know that Jonathan Taylor is a normal sounding first name.  So why do it?  It bugs me, and it just makes you seem like a jerkwad.  I expect the guy sitting on the campus green playing a guitar in a sportcoat with leather patches on the sleeves in order to get chicks would be the kind of person to use all three of his names for no reason, and everyone hates that guy.  At least all of the dudes do.
      So let's not be like that.  Let us use our normal conventional first and last names, with maybe the middle initial for credit card applications and signatures and the deed to your house, and let's leave the full middle name out of the whole deal.  And while we are at it let's cut out that first initial, middle name bullshit too.  I am just not all about it.  Sound like a plan?  Thanks.

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