Sunday, October 16, 2011

An Open Letter to the Women of Minnesota

Dear Women of Minnesota,

     I am a little disappointed with you, Women of Minnesota.  I have been doing a detailed cultural study of your type over the last few days, in your gathering grounds: malls and shopping centers.  I have noticed that apparently you know some things that the rest of us - men, the elderly, and non-Minnesota women - apparently do not, because you are all wearing boots.
     Now, I took some meterological calculations and observations while I was doing this detailed study, and despite some light showers showing on the radar to the south on the last day of the study, it was a beautiful, seasonal weekend.  Temps were in the 60s and the skies were generally clear, and it was a little breezy.  That is why I became deeply disconcerted that everyone of the female persuasion was wearing boots.
     There was nothing to lead me, or any other leading reserchers, to think that there was going to be any sort of inclement weather in the near future.  No flood event or early-season blizzard was expected as far as we know, but apparently you know something more than the rest of us do.  Every single one of you was wearing boots, as if you were all going to have to join a search party to look for hunters stranded in the Montana wilderness.
     There were some discepencies, however, that led me to believe that it was not a flood event.  There were so many different styles of boots that it couldn't be a single event.  There were short boots, tall boots, high heeled boots, flat boots, and even boots made of suede.  So there must be some sort of disagreement among the female set that keeps them from being afraid of the same event.
      I thought it might have something to do with that whole "be prepared" thing, but then I remembered that the whole "be prepared" thing comes from the Boy Scouts, and unless the literally thousands of women I included in my study were all transexuals or something like that, then it couldn't be the "be prepared" scenario.
     So what is it, girls?  What is it, Women of Minnesota?  Why are you all wearing boots?  Because it is nice outside, and I have to admit that you look pretty fucking stupid dressing for bad weather when it is perfectly nice outside.  And since I am sure that you paid approximately eleventy billion dollars for your boots generally without the just sort of look pretentious.  And you also need to tell me about whether or not the boots are connected to the wearing of the black stretch and super skinny super dark blue jeans, because I can't fucking figure that one out for the life of me.  But that will have to wait for another letter I suppose.  For now I just want to know about the boots thing.  Because it makes you awfully sucky.  And the weather is nice outside.

Yours Always,

Big Dave

No comments: