Tuesday, October 18, 2011

An Open Letter to The Jones Brothers

Dear Arthur Jones and Williams Jones,

     You are 24 and 25 years old, respectively, so I guess I expected more from you, and I am deeply disappointed and ANGERED by what you have done.  So I am writing you this open letter in order to YELL AT and publicly BELITTLE you for your crime.  What made you think that cutting up the Covert's Crossing Bridge in Western Pennsylvania with a blowtorch and selling it for scrap was a good idea I will never know, but that just might be the stupidest fucking idea in the long history of stupid fucking ideas.
     Well, okay, maybe not the stupidest - because there have been some wildly stupid ideas - but it is certainly the worst that I have heard in a long, long time.  Let me recap your plan for you, since you had to have been either drunk or high on fumes when you conceived and executed it.  You went to Covert's Crossing - about 60 miles north of Pittsburgh - and cut away a LIVING, WORKING BRIDGE with a blowtorch.  I am amazed that you didn't set yourselves on fire.  Than, you went to a friendly local recycling company and offered up the 15.5 tons of scrap metal and tried to collect $5179 for it.  You told the guy working at the company that you had permission to scrap the bridge, and even showed him cell phone pictures of it, since every legitimate businessman uses cell phone pictures to seal deals.  Then, you were amazed when he figured out your con and called the cops.
You never thought people
would miss this?
      You guys are fucking idiots, okay?  Like serious fucking idiots, and I am surprised that somewhere along the way you haven't managed to run with scissors and stab yourselves to death.  Maybe those who know and love you are forcing you to use only the rounded-tip kidergarten style scissors so that doesn't happen - I don't know.  But how could you believe for one minute that this plan would work?  I know that long ago the bridge was replaced with a new one that would carry Covert Road over the Mahoning River, but you didn't think that someone in the area would notice that it was gone? That never like, crossed your mind, that people who live around there might notice that a GIGANTIC STEEL TRUSS BRIDGE was no longer where it used to be, and that no newspaper or television outlet had bothered to note the removal of a structure that had served the community since 1887!?
          That bridge was actually eligible for inclusion on the National Register of Historic Places, and I am sure that it would have made a really cool centerpiece of like a bicycle or recreation trail, but now it is chopped up in pieces in the back of your Silverado.  And what did you think would happen when you got to the recycling place?  I mean, I know you had those classy photos on your cell phone to show the guy (that is my favorite part of your dumbshit retard plan by the way) but did you really think that he wouldn't ask questions before shelling out more than $5000 to you for something that he obviously doesn't see very often.  I am sure that when he does get bridge parts in as scrap, it is from...oh, let's say a licensed and well-known contractor who has some sort of paper documentation showing it was okay.  I don't think that PennDOT or the Lawrence County, Pennsylvania government generally hire two guys with cell phones and a blow torch to carry out their bridge removal needs.  That just doesn't seem like their style.  So what the hell did you think would happen?  Oh yeah, you thought they would just give you the money and let you walk, because you are OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY and you apparently think everyone is as stupid as you are.
     So I am glad that the recycling guy called the cops on you two and got you off the street, because if you didn't hurt yourselves you would have injured someone else I am sure.  Or you would have just held up a liquor store next week and been arrested anyway.  So I guess that I have to give you some credit that you did it with a little pinache.  But that is it.  You are still, really, really, dumb.  Enjoy your time in jail fuckbags.

Yours,

Big Dave

No comments: