Monday, September 19, 2011

Stinky Linkys

     I don't know if you have noticed this lately, Company, but everything in this world seems to be linked together.  For instance, your car is linked to thirteen satellites that are in geo-synchronous orbit which are linked to your phone which is linked to the lights in your house, a homing device that always tells you where your kids are, and your Facebook page.  So I started thinking about some things that really, I don't want linked up with one another.

1.)  My alarm clock and the sprinkler system in the Worldwide Headquarters.  I don't care if they are supposed to be linked up so that the fire suppression is turned off when I am awake, something will certainly go wrong and I will wake up when the super-pressurized fire-retardant foam hits me in the face, or when all the oxygen is sucked out of the room if I ever spring for that Halon system the building inspector is always nagging me about.

2.)  The friendly local Subway restaurant and my cell phone.  I know that ordering ahead is a wonderful and efficient thing to be able to do, and I know that since some people have lost the ability to communicate with people and can only communicate with their smart phone these days, but I still don't want Subway on my phone.  When I know that I am going to Subway I usually go through about six of my standards when I am thinking about what I want, and then I pick something else once I am in the store.  If I have to pick ahead of time I guarantee you that I am not going to get what I actually want.

3.)  The traffic light on the corner and scoreboard at the baseball stadium.  I know, you are thinking to yourself "What the fuck, why would those two things be hooked up with one another?" but I bet you were asking yourself the same question about your phone and your car about three years ago.  So let's pretend that some hotshot young traffic engineer gets the idea that the traffic lights should be hooked into the stadium so that they can change lanes and lights to facilitate traffic flow away from the stadium as the game ends.  Fine idea in spirit, but pretty soon Johnny Ballplayer is throwing a no-hitter, all the lights are red, and I can't get anywhere that I want to go.  Then the guy with all the stolen bases comes up on the screen and I have to floor it to make all the greens.  I just can't handle it, and I think that it will cause premature wear and tear to my vehicle.

4.)  My computer at work and my cell phone.  Unless my cell phone is paid for by my work, I don't want those assholes being able to get their claws into me while I am at home.  It gets awfully easy awfully quick to be sitting on the lanai and get a call for work and "Oh it is no big deal, let me just e-mail that to you real quick" and pretty soon you are working from home without getting paid for it.  Nope.  The Founding Fathers got it all wrong, okay?  Separation of church and state?  Not in my book.  How about separation of work and home?  That is my bag.  Keep your work desktop off my smart phone.

5.)  My remote control and my super smart neighbor's brain.  Yeah, I don't want to be watching C-SPAN all damn day long, and I don't want to have to be reading the Spanish subtitles just because I can.  I want shows with beer, chicks, and an extra explosion or two.  Nothing that will stimulate the brain stem in any way, shape or form.  That is why I have my remote permanently attached to my hand.


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