I know that you tend to look up to me all the time, Company, and you see me as a sort of ultimate being of greatness, but I have weaknesses and problems with my life. So I am hoping that you won't think less of me when I tell you that I have the gout. I know, that is traditionally an old person's disease (P.S. there is an advertisement for the game "Operation" game where the guy on the board is talking and he is voiced by Jerry Stiller - strange; I don't have ADD or anything though) but I have it even though I am a young an dynamic media mogul. Since the gout is traditionally caused by high levels of uric adic in the system and it is also freaking painful when it flares up, I sat up and took notice of a commercial that appeared recently about a medication that works to reduce levels of uric acid in the system.
It is actually the second gout-related medical commercial that I have seen recently on TV, and I don't know if it is because the baby boomers are coming into what no one likes to call "the gout years" or what the hell is going on, or if there has just been a burst of sudden gout-related research coming to fruition, but there have been a couple on TV and suddenly gout is cool and sexy. Okay it isn't, but whatever. Back to the lecture at hand.
In the commercial - the one for the pill that lowers your uric adic levels - they spit out some of the usual side effects, and they were farcical as usual, but in this case I was a little bit appalled. There are usually a rash of side effects that are a little bit retarded, things like headache and detached corneas or things like that, and then there is always the two that I don't understand how they go together (that was not even close to being gramatically correct) - diarreha and constipation. I am not sure how the same thing can give you both. But this particular drug had some strange ones that just went so far beyond. First of all, they trot out this thing about there were a number of heart attacks during the drug trials but that there was no evidence that they were linked to the drug. Ummm...yeah there is. They all happened during the drug trial, and unless they did the drug trial while people were undergoing stress tests I am sure that the drug had something to do with it. Now, I have never had a heart attack before, but I understand that they hurt a lot and can kill you if you have them, so I am thinking that maybe I will just stick to the gout.
Then, they throw this one out: When beginning the drug it can cause a flare up of the gout. And they stick in that gout flare-ups are a side effect. Wait, what? That is fucking retarded. Let me give you just a little bit of history behind the gout, or at least a quick and dirty sentence about how it works. If you have high uric acid levels you can get the gout, and once you have the gout you always have it, but sometimes flares up in terribly painful episodes. So the idea is that this drug keeps your uric acid down so you don't have episodes. Yet episodes are a sid effect of the medicine. WHAT THE FUCK'S WITH THAT? So the drug you are taking has the side effect of causing THE THING YOU ARE TRYING TO PREVENT! That is the most idiotic thing that I have ever seen. Or heard of even. Dumb. How the hell did that pass the FDA? Did solving the Federal budget involve firing everyone at the Food and Drug Administration? Do they just green light everything now? Because I can't see the reason that anyone would pass this for public consumption, because - again - a side effect of the drug is that it causes the thing that it is supposed to prevent. That makes absolutely no sense to me, and if it makes sense to you then I think you might need to be hit over the head with a two by four. That's right, I spelled it out.