Sunday, August 14, 2011

An Open Letter to the Ginger Kid in Our Campground

Dear Ginger Kid in Our Campground,

     You fucking suck, okay?  I hate you.  First off, I don't like how you stare into my campsite every time that you ride by on your bike.  Secondly, your bike is fucking stupid.  And it is a piece of crap.  Third, you should learn to ride it straight and not weave back and forth like you are an F1 driver or something.  You aren't warming your tires because you are on a shitty bicycle and you are riding on gravel.
      In fact, the only thing that brings me emotional turmoil is whether I would rather hit you in the head with a ball bearing and slingshot, or if I would rather have a crossbow to shoot an arrow through your tire and make you go ass over teakettle onto the road.  Both would be hilarious but I think I am leaning towards the later.
     Of course you'd cry.  You cried when you wiped out on the first night, like a little pansy bitch.  I don't care if you are only ten years old, you still cried like a little fucking ginger bitch.  Oh yeah, that is right, you are ginger and you are a freak.  I forgot to mention that to you.  You are not a freak because you are ginger, you are a freak because you are you.  I have nothing against ginger people.
     I do however have some things against you, including but not limited to the fact that you are ugly.  Like, should have shoved you back into the womb to finish cooking ugly.  You ride around the campground time after time after time getting into everyone's way and staring into my campground and breaking mirror after mirror, all because you are a useless sack of shit.  I want you to have catastrophic break failure and careen down the gently sloping campsite over the cliff, down the stairs and into the lake.
     I also sort of want to hit you with my car, or to see you be hit by someone else's car while I watch and eat popcorn.  That would make my day.  I packed up and left and you and your stupid family remained at the campsite, which sort of chapped my ass because I really wanted to watch you pack up and get drug back to your shitty, dumbass life in whatever plastic neighborhood you crawled out of.  Back with you parents.  By the way, your father is fucking his secretary at work and your parents are probably going to get divorced.  Then you will have to go into a home, and I hope the other kids there kick your ass.  Or maybe just I will.  Or I will just throw your bike into the lake.  You suck at life.

Yours,

Big Dave

1 comment:

KingBobb said...

I can't believe nobody has commented on this. That's almost criminal.

By the way, I know of a great lake. They'd never find that bike.