Monday, August 22, 2011

Heavyweight Paper

     Here is a little public service tip for you, Company, from Big Dave himself:  Paper is fucking heavy.      No, I mean it.  It is fucking heavy.  You wouldn't realize it by looking at a piece of paper, but it really is.  Think about this: all those kids walking around with thirty pound backpacks who are ruining their backs at a young age aren't carrying around bricks or little midgets.  They are carrying around textbooks and notebooks and Trapper Keepers (do kids these days even use those anymore?  They were the shit when I was in elementary school) and that kind of stuff.  And all books are is a bunch of papers bound together and covered with heavier paper, right?
You don't want to get into a situation
like he always does.

     I realized this this morning as I picked up my backpack to go to work.  I have spent enough of my life either biking or walking to work that I have become accustomed to carrying a backpack to work to hold my keys, wallet, phone, lunch, etc.  It is sort of serves the purpose of a purse, but I don't want to carry a purse because I am a dude and that would be lame for me.  I would be in some sort of Seinfeld-esque situation and I just don't want that.  So I carry a backpack.  Over time, there has come to be some other things in my backpack - like whatever book I am currently reading, some pens, a knife, just random bits of stuff, and a folder for shuttling papers back and forth.
The most dangerous thing in the
history of ever

      Here is the kicker - that stuff is always with me.  So I am sort of accustomed to and aware of how much my backpack generally weighs.  But lately I have had some things going on that has necessitated me hauling around a big file of papers that I don't normally carry, and when I lifted my backpack out of the car this morning it felt like it weighed twice what it normally does.  So I thought about what could have led to that difference and the only thing I could think of that was in there beyond what was normally in there was that file.  How nuts is that?  I mean, I suppose that I could have become a super pansy over the last couple of weeks - a person that Hans and Franz from Saturday Night Live would spit at in disgust - but I don't think that has happened.  I think that file is just heavier than a carnie's girlfriend.
     So watch out and be careful.  I know that is looks pretty when you are watching a piece of paper flutter down from the top of a six story building or whatever, but that shit is dangerous.  First of all they are sharp on the edges and can give you nasty paper cuts.  Secondly, once they start to gang up together they are dangerous, and can bury you under a pile from which you can never escape.  Paper is heavyweight indeed.

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