Sunday, July 17, 2011

An Open Letter To The Guy Driving With No Shirt On

Dear Guy Who Is Driving With No Shirt On,

      Let me start off by telling you that you are fucking gross, okay?  I thought long and hard about a lot of ways that I could tell you that you are fucking gross without being so in your face about, maybe dancing around the issue somehow or putting it in super nice terms, but instead I decided that the best and most direct approach would be to just tell you that you are fucking gross.  Because odds are that you are.  I am saying that I am gay and like to look at shirtless dudes or anything, but what I WILL say is that the guys that one wouldn't mind seeing driving around shirtless in a Jeep Wrangler or something aren't the guys doing it.  Nope, it is always a toothless old man with scraggly gray hair in a 1985 Ford Club Wagon XLT featuring brown over brown two-toned paint scheme with rusted out step bumper or a middle aged beer gut with a balding head tooling around in a '92 Dodge Spirit with a bumper sticker that says "Virginia is for Lovers."  It's never an 18-year-old football player in an old S-10 or something.  Not that I would want to see that.
What the fuck is up with this shit? WRONG!
      And what is so important that you have to get to that you didn't have time to put on a shirt?  And where is it that you are going that shirtlessness is acceptable.  Because if you are running out for a pack of smokes or something you can't even get into the store.  No shirt, no shoes, no service.  Ever heard that one before, retarded asshole?  Huh?  I mean it is catchy, it is like a little triplet which is supposed to make it even more memorable.  But you obviously haven't remembered it if you are off in your 1995 Ford Windstar to get a pack of Newports or whatever.  Maybe you are just going to go through the drive through or something, and I suppose that you could get away with that but it is still gross and doubly creepy.  You shouldn't be doing that either.
     I guess that the thing that really set me off about you, Guy Driving With No Shirt On, is that when I saw you driving today you had the windows rolled up and the air conditioning on.  WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?  I always sort of gave you the benefit of the doubt that the true reason you were driving shirtless was that it was hot outside, because I never saw you do it any other time.  It isn't like you were driving around on a 28° day in March, it is only when it is piss-ass hot in the middle of July or August.  So I always sort of assumed that it was because of the hot, hot heat.  Once you get into the cool comfort of your air conditioned vehicle you sort of negate any reason to drive around with no shirt on other than that you are a fucking dumbass useless tool-mo-tron who has no idea about what is considered decent in society.  You lack a fundamental understanding of the meaning of the word appropriate.  Either that or you just don't care which ups your asshole douche factor by like ten and a half.  The reason is that other than the heat there is no reasonable reason for not wearing a shirt while driving.
     So put a fucking shirt on before I sideswipe your 1984 Subaru GL into a bridge abutment.  Oh don't give me that look, I'll do it.  I am not afraid, because when the cops come around to pry your body out of the mangled carcass of your Subaru and they ask my what happened I will just say "He was driving without a shirt on so I sideswiped him into a bridge abutment." and they will be like "Yep, I hate it when there is a totally random accident and a shirtless man perishes" and that will be that.  That is what you get when you are riding around with no shirt on.  And that is what you will get if you don't put a fucking shirt on.  Or at least an undershirt with a beer or sloppy joe stain, since that is what I assume you have lying on the floor to put on.  Get bent.


- Big Dave

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