Thursday, July 28, 2011

My Greatest Enemy

    I always wondered who my greatest enemy in life would turn out to be.  Someone that I screwed over in a business deal, or maybe someone who ran me down with his car while I was crossing the street, or maybe Baby Doll when she drugs me and tattoos a tramp stamp on me in the middle of the night.  As it turns out, I was always looking in the wrong direction, because my worst enemy in the world is not a who, it turns out to be a what.  It is a thing.  And that thing is the snooze alarm on my alarm clock.
Look at how big that thing is!
     It gets me in all sorts of trouble, mostly because I am powerless to resist it.  It is just so easy and convenient, and those bastards who made and designed my alarm clock knew just how to get me.  First of all, it is right on the front of the clock.  Secondly, it is the biggest button on the entire clock.  It is the width of the thing and like an inch deep.  It used to say "SNOOZ" in raised white letters but I have had the alarm clock for like twenty years now, and the white has rubbed off.  Holy shit I have had the same alarm clock for almost 20 years. 20 YEARS!  It is sort of like an old friend then.  Except the snooze alarm, that part is my greatest enemy.
     It allows me to be late for all sorts of functions - most recently work at an alarming rate.  Now I know, a lot of you are going to be out there talking about how it is a matter of self control and that no one is forcing me to use the snooze alarm, and it is as simple as just not using it.  But it's not that easy; not that easy at all.  I have absolutely no self control at 6:45 am, so about the only thing that I can do when I am mostly asleep like that is to roll over and flail wildly at the button on the top of the clock.  There is a latent evil in the snooze alarm, one that only comes to the surface when the alarm goes off.  And it just cannot be defeated.  That is why it is my biggest - nay my greatest - enemy.

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