Saturday, July 02, 2011

Failure to Launch

     So my Baby Doll and I went out to a party today with the Ice Queen and a bunch of her friends and family, and there was a shrimp boil and fun times, but in our eyes the main attraction was a man-made pond with a bigass water trampoline situated right in the middle of it.  That is where the fun began.
      There are, attached to the trampoline, several attachments.  That should not be surprising.  One of them was a sort of round, air-filled log that led to a little triangle thing, which sort of reminded me of something that you would see people running across on Wipeout.  Directly across on the other side, like the east side if we were going to assign the sides points of the compass and the first one was on the west side, is a little ladder-like thing to help you get up.  On the south side is a long, air-filled platform that is actually much easier to get on, and on what would be the north side, is something all together different.
      It is a giant bag, half-filled with air, with two handles on the one end, and two big circles on the top of it.  One says "sit here" and is on the side with the handles, and the other says "jump here."  The premise is pretty simple: Someone sits on the "sit here" circle and all the air goes to the other side, and then someone jumps off the trampoline onto the now-inflated "jump here" side and launches the person into the water.  Or so it should go.
     First of all, it is not terribly easy to get yourself onto the "sit here" circle.  The thing is half filled with air, which means it gives you minimal support as you try to climb over it or to hoist yourself up from the water onto it.  So you sort of have to worm your way onto it, unless of course you have superhuman strength or you can fly.  So once you get on there and pick your swimming suit out of your asscrack, you are ready to go.  You are ready to go.  The jumper has a little bit different of a task.  Johnny Jumper has to find a way to hit the "jump here" circle and send the sitter flying.  Up, up and away.  Days and days of research before our arrival had determined that the best and safest way to do this task was to stand on the blown-up part of the trampoline (not the jumpy part) and jump onto the "jump here" circle, landing astride it.  That was determined to be the best way.
It was supposed to go something like this.  It didn't.
      So we tried.  Baby Doll was a champ getting out to her position.  On the first leap, I sort of tried to make some sort of weird leap, and failed in my part miserably.  My left foot didn't land firm on the top of the trampoline and sort of slipped off the side, and I actually think I turned it and injured it.  Well, maybe not injured it, but it certainly hurts like a bitch.  So I sort of slip, but I still manage to land in the "jump here" circle.  I didn't see what kind of height or distance Baby Doll got on that jump because I face planted in the circle, and all I could see was trampoline attachment and underwater.
     So I got some advice from the aforementioned researchers and we decided to try a second time.  She got herself back up, I got myself back up, and we went for a second try.  This time, no misstep, it all went according to plan, and I landed in the "jump here" circle.  Sort of.  I hit the general area, I hit it straddling like I was supposed to, but I just didn't hit it straight on.  I was a little off to the right.  I saw her start to go flying as I slipped underwater.  But she sort of flew straight out.  I, however, felt like I had ripped my groin into two massive pieces in the process.  Turns out that while landing straddling the "jump here" circle creates the largest bang for your proverbial buck, it is also painful on the groin.  And the garment clothing the groin, because I managed to tear the seam of my swimming suit asunder.  Groin, swimsuit, ankle, and face plant.  So let's try one more time.
     Third time was sort of a charm.  We both got back into position, and I made a good jump, again at the expense of my crotch.  Baby Doll went into the water, which was good, except she went a little more horizontally than vertically, which isn't the best but hey, it worked.  So she was never really "launched" that much into the air.  She was just shot putted into the water in some sort of way.  Failure to launch.  Get it?  But we had fun trying, despite all the collateral damage.  My ankle will heal.  The swimsuit will be fixed.  My face and groin are both no worse for the wear.  Besides, it's all in the fun.  And we had fun.

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