Thursday, June 23, 2011

To the Big House

     There are only three things that are certain in this life: 1.) death, 2.) taxes, 3.) Officer Butt Hansen will arrest you somewhere along the way.  Nobody can escape his wrath of justice.  And even if it is for something as mundane as jaywalking or not separating your recyclables in the appropriate manner, or not using your stick blender in the way the manufacturer prescribed, you will commit some sort of violation that will cause him to have to bring the pain down upon you.  So, that being said, here are the Top Five Ways that Officer Butt Hansen will find and arrest you:

1.)  He will rappel or somersault through your living room window while you are eating cereal and watching The Today Show, because Officer Butt Hansen doesn't need the cover of darkness to pull off that shit.

2.)  You will receive a letter in the mail informing you that you are the grand prize winner in the "Win A Date With Dik Manchorp" contest, which will include a picture of a shirtless Dik Manchorp.  You will get very excited, and when you go to claim your prize you will find only Officer Butt Hansen and a pair of handcuffs.  And justice.

Officer Butt Hansen and you. If you were Santa Claus that is.
3.)  As you are walking down a crowded street, Officer Butt Hansen will suddenly be walking five steps behind you, wearing civilian clothes with black sunglasses.  As you pass by a dark side alley, he will reach out and yank you into it, arresting you in the privacy of the alleyway and probably roughing you up a little bit in the process.

4.)  Officer Butt Hansen will break into your locked car, pop the hood, and jam open your EGV valve.  Then, when your car isn't running right, and you take it to the mechanic, he will ask you to take a ride so that you can show him what it wrong.  After about ten minutes, he will ask you if he can drive so he can feel better how the car is working.  Except it's not the mechanic, it is Officer Butt Hansen incognito as the mechanic.  He will drive you to the police station instead of the repair shop, and then he and his cronies will whisk you inside to your arraignment.  He will then put a bumper sticker on your car that says "My other car is a jail cell because I am a deadbeat criminal" and fix you EGV valve before your car is returned to you from the impound lot with thousands of dollars of impound fees.

5.)  Officer Butt Hansen will be at the hot dog vendor's cart ordering a tasty Polish sausage when you make the illegal right where there is a "no turn on red" sign.  He will then arrest you.  What the hell did you expect to happen, what with you all doing illegal things right in front of the cops?  Get real.

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