Friday, June 24, 2011

Laying Down a Little Facebook Etiquette

    Company, I am going to tee off in a moment.  But before we begin I just want to make sure that you know that I understand.  Let me make it perfectly clear: I get it.  I know that a lot of people update their Facebook shit from their mobile phones, they iPhones, their Androids, whatever God-damned awful thing they are carrying around in their pockets, and so that is why they post things the way that they do.  I get it, I am aware, and I understand.  But I still don't fucking like it.
     You do not need to abbreviate shit on Facebook, okay?  It is NOT NECESSARY.  While there is a character limit, it is much higher than say Twitter or a textual message, and so there really isn't a reason for replacing words with letters or numbers or dumbass abbreviations.  Okay.  Are does not need to be r, be does not need to be b, ate does not need to be 8. Etc, etc.  Oh, and one other one that I see a whole fucking lot that makes me ANGRY is that one person uses "ton" to abbreviate "tonight."  No.  NO NO NO NO NO!  Maybe if you were up on a marquee or something, but on on Facebook.  That is just extra super ultimate fucking dumbass retarded, and it makes me want to throw a cinder block through things.  Like windows and your face, and I want to smash your fucking dumbass phone with the block too.  No, learn some fucking English, okay?  "Ton" is a unit of measure, which in the English measuring system signifies 2000 pounds.  It is also used colloquially to denote a large amount of something.  Like for instance: I feel a ton of fucking rage well up inside of me when you use "ton" as an abbreviation for "tonight."
     So that is how I feel about that.  If what you have to say is so important that you can't fit in in 160 characters or whatever texts allow you these days, you should probably not put it on Facebook anyway because you will sound like a whiny teenage emo bitch.  Put it in a diary or at least take the time to find a computer and write it down if you are going to make a fucking novel.  And put a cover on it with some smoking hot chick whose gown is about to fall off and some guy with lots of pecs and no shirt because that is how stupid novels are supposed to be covered.
     Also, stop being such whiny bitches, okay?  If you are going to have something that you only want like twelve of your closest friends to see, send it to them special, don't make your 392 Facebook friends have to read it and wonder what the hell it means.  It is like putting up a billboard that says "Yes I will, Mom" and leaving everyone to wonder if it means you will be happy to take care of your baby sister when she goes into the hospital or if you are simple saying that you will take out the trash.  See, everyone else is missing their context so it makes them angry and it makes them look like a tool.
      So here is the deal, Company.  If you want to send a short message to FB from your phone, that's fine.  But if it is long enough to need abbreviation then it is worth finding a computer.  I mean, they are literally fucking everywhere.  And if it is something that you want just a few people to know, text it to them.  You seem to like texting so fucking much anyway.

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