Thursday, May 05, 2011

The Horse's Ass

     We need to talk about the two-person horse costume, okay Company?  Because I have some serious questions and reservations about how that whole deal works, and why anyone would sign up for that kind of shenanigan.
     I understand the front part; I get how that works.  Okay, you are the front legs and the head and you get to lead the parade and make all the decisions.  And the most important part is that you get to stand upright, because if you have ever checked out the anatomy of a horse, the head area is generally above the front legs area.  Now I understand that all you horse connoisseurs will be quick to tell me that the head actually sort of sticks out forward from where the legs are located, and I get it, but if you are dressing up in the two-person horse costume odds are that you are okay with looking like the Gumby horse anyway (I know, his name is Pokey).
I call frontzies!
      My main questions and concerns, however, are with the poor bastard who has to be the back end of the costume.  First of all you are a horse's ass, and that is not good in any situation.  Second of all, your face is down near the ass region of the person ahead of you, and they are going to be awfully sweaty lugging around that costume AND they have probably eaten a lot of taco dip if you know what I mean.  And beers.  They have consumed several beers too.  So you are right in the...how do we say...blast zone.  The swass and blast zone.  It is like if they were going to drop a bomb on New Jersey.
     The worst part of the back end of the two-person horse costume has to be the posture thought.  Because I have spent a lot of time looking at pictures of horses, and some real horses courtesy of Sue Too and Helenocious, and I have yet to figure out how someone could be the ass end of the horse costume and not have to be bending over all night long.  Unless, of course they are a midget or Lieutenant Dan.
     There are only two ways that I can figure out that this works: a.) you have to walk bending over, which is really hard and would lead me to fall over a lot, I mean a lot, and have super tired legs or b.) there has to be some sort of bar on which to lean your arms or chest to support your upper body weight that is leaning forward, in which case all that weight goes on the back and shoulders of the guy in front, which I suppose is okay because he got the prime spot and deserves to have a little bit extra work.  But those are the only ways that it works, okay?  There are no other ways that it could be as far as I can see, and no matter what the solution cannot be ergonomically correct.  If you had to do that as a living OSHA would be all over your employer's shit.
     So I guess that in the end I just can't recommend or endorse the two-person horse costume for any reason, so long as I have to be in it.  Because let's be honest, it is cool as shit and I love to see other people wear it.  But I am not going to get in that thing.  Especially not because there is always some drunk-ass girl at the party what wants to ride on the back of the thing, and that would just cause the whole thing to come crashing down.  Unless of course we figure out a way that I can be in while sitting down.  Then it would be on.  It would be on like Donkey Kong.

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