Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Day After the Day After

It looks like the normal shit happening to me.
     You may notice that I didn't write any posts yesterday, Company, and that was because I was busy preparing for the supposed Rapture that was going to be happening, setting off the end of the world.  I even got violently drunk and went to be early becase (a. if I was part of the Rapture then I didn't want to be awake when I was yanked up to heaven because I am not good with heights unless there is some sort of platform or large floor below my feet and b.) if I was one of the damned then I figured I might as well start the end times all pissed off and hung over.  I actually woke up this morning believeing that the Rapture had actually happened, the world was beginning its end times, and Harold Cmaping had actually outsmarted me.  I looked around, the sky was fire-red and hazy, there were zombie-like people all over the place, the urban landscape was devoid of all life, and there didn't seem to be anyone around who had a soul.  Then I remembered I was in Los Angeles.  BA-ZING!  Sorry, LA, but I just couldn't help it.  Anyway, I would like to take the opportunity to say that I was exactly spot on when I made my own prediction on Friday.
     There was, as I predicted, no Rapture last evening, unless of course everyone I know and all the people in my neighborhood were left out, which I think is highly impossible.  I mean, there would have to be at least one pious person hanging around the Worldwide Headquarters one would think, right?  So I am assuming that it didn't happen.  And I knew it wouldn't.  God is not a stupid being, okay?  He or She or It or whatever you believe (I am going to say "He" because it is my blog and I can, and all those feminists can just deal with it for one post) is able to keep tabs on whatever is going on in our world and all the other ones, and I would suspect that since he was able to design some pretty cool shit, that He would be able to see what would happen if He announced that He was going to end the world.
     First of all, there would be unbelieveable long lines at every church, as Catholics around the world lined up for last minute confessions.  Oh yeah, you know that would happen.  The Economy would either skyrocket for a brief time as everyone bought everything they could ever want on their credit cards (you can't take the stuff with you but the nice thing is that if the world ends, your debt is wiped out too) or they just started looting the shit out of everyone, so there would be anarchy, and that really isn't His style, you know?  So I am pretty sure that, even if God is terrible at keeping a secret in general, he would be wise enough to keep this one under wraps and not leave a whole bunch of clues in the Bible.
    In the end, I just found - with my skepics brain - too many reasons to doubt Mr. Camping, all of which I outlined the other day.  And the thing about these projections too is that if you really scour history and the Bible and anything enough, you can always find evidence to support your positions.  Someone being all scholarly in the 1920s or 1860s or whenever could have found plenty of goings on in their society to point to the End Times.  That is just how it works.  Ten, twenty, thiry years from now another quack will make the same prediction and get people all riled up again.
    And it could be Mr. Camping.  I would suspect that we won't hear much from him for another ten or fifteen years or so, or until donations to his little radio network start to dwindle again.  Then I am sure he will have revised comptations for all the world to hear.  That is just my gut feeling, but then again I tend to be a skeptic.  That is just how I roll.  It is probably the reason why I am not in Heaven today.  Oh wait, it's because I was right and nothing has happened at all.

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