Monday, April 25, 2011

X Marks the Spot

marks the spot.  Oh wait, no it doesn't.  Let's be honest.  When was the last time that you saw a map in which "x" marked the spot?  Never, that's the last time.  Okay, if you are going to get all technical you are going to tell me that just about every map uses an "x" for some sort of symbol, and I will be forced to admit that it is true.  But if you are holding out some sort of treasure map to me and there is a big red "x" marked somewhere on it, I am going to be forced to call shenanigans on you and smack you in the face.
     We've all seen the classic, stereotypical situation, right Company?  A pirate buries his treasure somewhere on a tropical island that manages to be both deserted and desert, but it still is full of palm trees and vegetation.  Oftentimes there is a waterfall there too, which always confuses the shit out of me even more.  Then he draws up a map that just has the sort of outline of the island on it, and there are maybe a couple of palm trees drawn on it and the obligatory waterfall, and there is a dashed line from some arbitrary point on the coast to a big red "x" which is of course the easily definable place where he has chosen to bury his gigantic treasure of gold doubloons or whatever.
       That doesn't happen.  I am telling you that right now.  First of all, I would suspect that most pirates only bury their accumulated treasure - which by the way he probably stole - in very extreme circumstances.  First of all, anyone can get to it if it is buried, especially if there is a stupid map marking the spot.  But it is basically unguarded.  Secondly, ground disturbance usually leaves a lot of evidence for a long, long time.  So any Tom, Dick, Harry, or competing pirate walking by is going to see that someone dug a bigass hole there.  Third, a hole big enough to fit your treasure (which is always in a wooden chest by the way) is going to take a long time to dig, and if you are desperate enough to have to bury your treasure, you probably aren't going to have the time to dig a deepass hole and cover it properly.  If you had like two hours to get your shit straight you could probably find a better place to hide your treasure somewhere other than underground in a hole.
        So there.  And there is one more thing too: Even if a pirate buried his treasure he wouldn't make a map of it with a bigass "x" on it.  He would put it near a landmark that would be easy for him to remember.  He would bury it like 40 paces in front of the split palm near the waterfall so he could remember the next time he rolled back to the island.  He most likely wouldn't have made a map that was easily stolen and deciphered.  Maybe he would make one that was wrong, to lure people away from his shit.  That's a possibility, or I should say much more probable, but I don't believe that he would make up a map.  Seems too insecure.
     So take your little treasure map and stuff it right where the "x" don't shine, because I think it's bullshit.  It is time to get realistic and learn that you aren't going to find any pirate treasure by following around generic maps.  If there is any pirate treasure buried nearby you are going to find it by digging around your yard like this guy.  So get our and get gardening.  And put that silly map down.

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