Thursday, April 21, 2011

U is for Undercarriage

is for undercarriage, specifically your undercarriage and where you park it when you need to go to the bathroom.  Thanks to the miracle of modern plumbing most of you who are reading this will use an indoor toilet to relieve yourselves, and boy has the Kohler Company come out with a doozy of an indoor toilet.
     It is called the Numi and it is probably smarter and harder working than half of your significant others.  And as such, it goes for a staggering $6,390.00.  I can hear you thinking "That is one hell of a shitter, Big Dave, and why would I pay that much for something I can crap in when I can get a reasonable used bass boat for that much."  Well, let me tell you what it can do, in list form, so that it is slightly more impressive:

-  The lid automatically opens as you approach.  (See below) And it sort of opens like the roof on a Eurpoean hard-top convertible, folding up into some sort of seat thing so you can do your business.  This is, of course, assuming that you put it down in the first place boys.

Race it against your Mercedes SL63
-  You can set it to play piano music or the sounds of rushing water as the lid opens.  I wonder if you can choose them on a "per-open" basis.  That way if you are having some prostate problems or something and you have to pee you can choose the rushing water, or if you have to poo you can have the piano music to relax your core muscles.

-  It has a built-in FM radio with iPod jack.  In case you like to listen to Quiet Riot while you take a dump.

-  Adjustable height, heated seat.  Wilt Chamberlin, no more sitting with your knees at the height of your shoulders while you are in the "reading room."  You can adjust the height.  And if you don't want to hear your entire bathroom you can just heat your ass.  Just make sure that you don't turn it up too hight.

-  Hot air vents to keep your heat warm.  Your ass isn't the only thing that deserves to be warm in the can.

-  Charcoal filter deoderizer.  Because there is not reason that you should have to sit in your own filth.  I'd hate to be the guy who has to change that thing though when it gets all gummed up.

-  Bidet.  Yep, you'd better believe this thing has a bidet, but it is no ordinary, run-of-the-mill Eurpoean hotel bidet like you saw in Dumb and Dumber.  Nope.  This thing pluses, oscillates, has a range of water pressure, spray patterns, and temperature options.  And it has a light that can guide you to the hole at night - so you don't miss - and it can dose your bowl for 45 minutes with ultaviolet light, which will kill all sorts of germs and bacteria. 

-  It will decide how much water to use when you flush.  That's right.  Depending on how long you have been sitting it will choose to use a water-saving 0.6 gallons or a more traditional 1.28 gallons.  If you are a reader you will always get 1.28; if you hover 0.6.

-  Jet propulsion and electromechanical valve.  Don't worry about how much water the Numi sends down the pipe, because it will use its integrated jet pump and specially designed valve to vacate the Browns from the Super Bowl, if you know what I mean.  The valve has been times to provide the perfect flush every time, if there is such a thing as the perfect flush.

Wow, that's hot.  Maybe if you're German.
      Wow.  The Numi features a sleek sort of minimalist design, which I suppose you would be into if you were willing to spend like a third of my yearly take-home pay on a place where you deficate.  There is no giant tank on the back like we are used to seeing, as you can see in the picture above or at right.  In fact, it sort of looks more like a camper toilet than anything.
    The marketing, which you can also see at right, features beatuiful people in a beautiful house hanging out around the beautiful toilet.  The people are so beautiful in fact, that their house is made of glass so everyone can watch them take a beautiful shit in this beautiful toilet.  Notice the lack of anywhere for them to wash their beautiful hands.  But I digress.  It is the sort of marketing ploy and stuff that you see for all products - glamorous people in glamorous places with your product.  No big deal.  It is being marketed at Asia and the United States, where there is apparently a growing market for bidets.  So good luck with that.  No only if they could make one that you wipe your undercarriage we'd be all set.

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