Friday, April 15, 2011

O is for Open

is for open, which is what we do not want to do to The Cooler.  Let me give you some back story and you will understand exactly why we don't want to open The Cooler.
    One time, Mike-a-licious and I went camping.  It was early in the season - like the week before Memorial Day I think - and we were the only people in the campground until the weird guy showed up.  And he was weird.  He shows up with just him and a travel trailer and parks right next to us even though all the other spots were available.  Then he refuses to tell us where he is from until after we tell him where we are from, and then he amazingly is from the same place.  He gives us some line about spending the weekend fishing (yeah, like someone is going to drag a travel trailer 40 miles for one person to go fishing on a river with no fish by himself) and he bolted.  The ranger came around and discovered that he hadn't paid for his camping.  Then, while we were out he just disappeared.  He didn't have anything to do with the cooler and that is fine but I just wanted to tell you all about him.
The Cooler when it was new. Probably.
     Anyway, we had the cooler, and it was a fine cooler except that it was a little ghetto.  It had split apart somewhere along the way on one side and had been repaired but you could still see the inside.  The latches had been broken and replaced with a one of those latches that you have on your shed that you can get at the hardware store.  But it was big and white and it still kept all the stuff cool and that was the main thing.  So we took it camping and put our food in it.
     Somewhere along the way cooked hamburgers for dinner.  We had one of those packs of pre-made from the store, and we ended up with one extra.  So we thought to ourselves "No reason to waste a good burger" and we put it back in the cooler.  By the time we left it was all that was in there, except for some beers and the water that was the remains of the ice.
      When we got home and were unloading the camping stuff, Mike-a-licious said that he would put the cooler away and we set it under the window of the Gigabyte Studios at the Worldwide Headquarters.  And there it sat.  Through the spring.  And summer.  And fall.  And winter.  And then repeat the cycle.  It just sat.  Somewhere along the way one of us remembered that the burger was in there and we resolved to never open it.  And it sat some more, to the point where it is approaching two years since it was set there.  When the Canadian Clubber came by the studio during the taping of the Podcast and happened to mention it, the issue was back in our faces.
      Mike-a-licious is adamant that we never, never open The Cooler.  He wants to just chuck it at the first opportunity.  He maintains that the burger is liquid, and if there is any water left it is mixed with it.  We have also sort of concurred that the beer in its glass bottles has most likely exploded, adding to the mess.  The Clubber and I, however, feel that The Cooler must be opened.  IT MUST BE SO!  Because we don't know what is going on in there for real.  All we know is that it is going to be terrible and disgusting.  But we don't know to what degree.  It wouldn't surprise me one bit if everything in there was liquid.  But we don't know.  What if the cooler has magical powers against heat and cold?  What if the beer is in excellent condition?  What if we have managed to discover a new form of penecillin?  The point is that we don't know, and we need to find out.  In the name of science.
     So it sits there, getting ready for yet another season, awaiting its fate.  And we will decide said fate eventually.  Or maybe not.  It's not like another year is going to make it any worse, right?

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