Monday, March 07, 2011

We Are Trying Too Hard

    So I was wandering about the Internet the other day and I stumbled upon the following headline:

"Australia and US affirm warm ties"

     Now I didn't read the article, and I have never had a reason to question my home nation's relationship with the Commonwealth of Australia, but I read that headline and I immediately thought to myself "That's not good."
      I don't know a whole lot most of the time, but in my few years on this Earth I have been able to learn a few things, one of which is that the person who takes the biggest pains to tell you something is often the one person who lacks in whatever way they are boasting about.  For example, the guy always talking about the large size of his penis is usually the one with the small penis.  You never hear those porn guys talking about the size of their member, do you?  I mean, every time you see one of those odd celebrity couples on Oprah or Larry King or some other goofy television show boasting about how in love they are and how great things are going don't you automatically throw the bullshit flag?  I do.  You don't go on television to talk about your love when you are in love, you just go about being in love.  You don't jump around on a couch talking about how much you love your life unless you are seriously worried about if you love your wife.
Australia is so much more than this, US.  Can't you see?
     So I immediately wondered what we did to piss off Australia.  See, when you have people in suits from your country hanging around with people in suits from other countries going on and on about your friendship relating to important issues of the day that they really should be standing shoulder to shoulder on just because it is right, that is not good.  That means that the world would question if you were on the same side.  See, the United States and Australia have to get together and say "We think blowing up the oceans is bad" because things aren't going well and we need to pick something that everyone knows is bad and confirm it so it seems like we are on the same page.  Never mind that behind the scenes we have eleventy billion warheads pointed at one another and we have already been deciding who gets the '84 LTD and who gets stuck with the Geo Metro, and who gets the National League commemorative plastic baseball helmets and who gets the AL. 
I don't believe this man is in love.
     There must be something going on between the former English colonies on opposite sides of the globe.  They are all heading into autumn I suppose, and driving around on the left side of the road and hanging out with their friends South Africa and New Zealand and probably suntanning while their water swirls the opposite direction of ours.  Meanwhile, we are up here freezing our asses off and waiting for spring to roll around while England and Canada watch Castle and Mexico continues to have a domestic dispute next door and neither of us are jiving at all.  So we go out in public just to keep up appearances and say "Human rights are good.  We support the Geneva convention" and hold hands in a way that says we don't want to be holding hands.
     Australia and the United States will be just fine.  We always are.  We have never turned on each other in a way that time and diplomacy couldn't repair.  We will be back to quietly being friends again soon, where everyone just sort of knows that we roll in the same posse.  I mean, we won't be tight and click-y like all those European Union countries but we never were.  We always just sort of existed in our own special realm, in a way that worked for us.  And we will get back to that.  You will know once we stop talking about it.

No comments: