Yeah, and it was double because ties for me - you know, the ones made especially for fat and tall people - are a little expensive, and I didn't want to have to go out and buy a bunch of new ones. I didn't become a media mogul with my own Worldwide Headquarters and nuclear powered former aircraft carrier yacht without pinching a few pennies and not spending on things I shouldn't have lost, right? So I was freaking out.
I keep my many, many ties on a special tie and belt hanger in the closet, and it wasn't in my new closet, and I didn't remember packing it for the move. So I used my formidable deductive reasonsing skills to determine that they were left hanging all alone in the closet that the building formerly known as the Worldwide Headquarters. So I crept over there - and by crept I mean drove - over there in the middle of the night - and by middle of the night I mean an hour after dark or so. So I go over there and I am in and out like some sort of government special forces unit. I have all the credentials, right? No one sees me. I was driving a black SUV. I operated completely in the darkness with no lights being turned on. I had a black suit with white shirt on and black sunglasses. No necktie though.
In I go and out I come, having discovered that there is nothing in the bedroom closet except for the obscenely long coaxial cable that comes out through the floor. No neckties. Now I am beginning to panic. What the hell could have happened to them? Where did they go? Did Samantha wriggle her nose and take them for Darren? I briefly considered that I may have lost them along the way; that they were lying frozen in a snowbank somewhere or had fallen out into the road. I also immediately jumped to the conclusion that someone had taken them from the old HQ, perhaps the landlord. She had done her walkthrough earlier in the day and although I was pretty sure that she wouldn't look in the closets I just assumed that she had an poached my neckties.
Not true. And I knew it. After I got my head on straight I just sort of assumed that I had packed them away somewhere in a box that had yet to be opened. No big deal, except that I have about eleventy billion boxes stacked in the garage, and I had no idea in which of them my stuff could be. I wasn't about to begin searching through them all for my ties. But what if I had a fancy pants event to attend? What if I had a special date nite? I was conflicted.
Luckily for me, things shook out. I was investigating a large gray shopping bag that was sitting in the corner of the back bedroom at the new Worldwide Headquarters. Inside I knew were a bunch of my baseball-style caps that I like to wear in the summertime in order to shield my face from the intense media pressure that I face every day. Also to keep people from seeing my bald head. In that bag, mixed in with all the hats like a swarm of garden snakes, were all my ties. Or at least the ones that I was going to be keeping. I was overjoyed. My ties were back. I could wear them around again. I didn't have to get all new ones. They are currently ensconsed safely in the mess that it my closet. And keep your hands off them. They are mine, and now that I know where they are I will treasure them forever. I do like the ties you know.