Thursday, March 03, 2011

The Ties that Bind

    So, I don't know if you know this, Company, but I recently went ahead and moved the Worldwide Headquarters, and as part of it I was moving all of my clothes.  That includes all of my dress clothes and hats and ties.  I don't remember if I have ever told you this, but I love ties.  I love to pick them out.  I love to buy them.  Hell, I even love to wear them around my neck - this applies to neckties only - and I love the way they look on me.  So you can imagine my state of mind when I thought that I had left them behind at the old Worldwide Headquarters.
      Yeah, and it was double because ties for me - you know, the ones made especially for fat and tall people - are a little expensive, and I didn't want to have to go out and buy a bunch of new ones.  I didn't become a media mogul with my own Worldwide Headquarters and nuclear powered former aircraft carrier yacht without pinching a few pennies and not spending on things I shouldn't have lost, right?  So I was freaking out.
     I keep my many, many ties on a special tie and belt hanger in the closet, and it wasn't in my new closet, and I didn't remember packing it for the move.  So I used my formidable deductive reasonsing skills to determine that they were left hanging all alone in the closet that the building formerly known as the Worldwide Headquarters.  So I crept over there - and by crept I mean drove - over there in the middle of the night - and by middle of the night I mean an hour after dark or so.  So I go over there and I am in and out like some sort of government special forces unit.  I have all the credentials, right?  No one sees me.  I was driving a black SUV.  I operated completely in the darkness with no lights being turned on.  I had a black suit with white shirt on and black sunglasses.  No necktie though.
     In I go and out I come, having discovered that there is nothing in the bedroom closet except for the obscenely long coaxial cable that comes out through the floor.  No neckties.  Now I am beginning to panic.  What the hell could have happened to them?  Where did they go?  Did Samantha wriggle her nose and take them for Darren?  I briefly considered that I may have lost them along the way; that they were lying frozen in a snowbank somewhere or had fallen out into the road.  I also immediately jumped to the conclusion that someone had taken them from the old HQ, perhaps the landlord.  She had done her walkthrough earlier in the day and although I was pretty sure that she wouldn't look in the closets I just assumed that she had an poached my neckties.
     Not true.  And I knew it.  After I got my head on straight I just sort of assumed that I had packed them away somewhere in a box that had yet to be opened.  No big deal, except that I have about eleventy billion boxes stacked in the garage, and I had no idea in which of them my stuff could be.  I wasn't about to begin searching through them all for my ties.  But what if I had a fancy pants event to attend?  What if I had a special date nite?  I was conflicted.
      Luckily for me, things shook out.  I was investigating a large gray shopping bag that was sitting in the corner of the back bedroom at the new Worldwide Headquarters.  Inside I knew were a bunch of my baseball-style caps that I like to wear in the summertime in order to shield my face from the intense media pressure that I face every day.  Also to keep people from seeing my bald head.  In that bag, mixed in with all the hats like a swarm of garden snakes, were all my ties.  Or at least the ones that I was going to be keeping.  I was overjoyed.  My ties were back.  I could wear them around again.  I didn't have to get all new ones.  They are currently ensconsed safely in the mess that it my closet.  And keep your hands off them.  They are mine, and now that I know where they are I will treasure them forever.  I do like the ties you know.

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