Tuesday, March 22, 2011

An Open Letter to the Guy in My Office Building

Dear Guy in My Office Building,

     Yes, you, with the greasy salt and pepper hair that looks like it has never seen a comb and the wild eyes who is talking very loudly about one person threatening to knock another person's head off.  I just want to make you aware of two important points: Nothing but a trenchcoat is not office-appropriate attire, and a bandage wrapped around one leg does not count as pants.
     I understand that it is cold and snowing outside today.  I mean, it is still winter, isn't it?  And it is a heavy, wet snow that is falling.  So I would probably want the protection from the elements as well.  Kudos on using the appropriate outer wear.  The problem is that no matter how long your trenchcoat is, you still have to wear the appropriate inner wear.  You can't really just be naked under it.  I mean, I suppose you technically CAN be naked under it, but it is just not appropriate.  You have to man up and at least put some sweatpants on under there.  I don't even care if you put underwear on or not, that is fine.  You can let the boys hang loose and free all that you want.  But there is going to be a point where you have to sit down and you don't really strike me as a cross-your-legs kind of guy.  You strike me very much as a 1982-Ford-Escort-Wagon-sinking-into-your-front-yard-that-hasn't-moved-since-the-Clinton-Administration kind of guy, but not the leg crossing type.  Maybe the eat-Beef-a-Roni-cold-and-straight-from-the-can type but not so much the leg crossing kind.  So everyone and I mean everyone is going to be seeing your berries and your dingleberries as you sit there.  Seriously, everybody.  You don't think it's a coincidence that suddenly everyone had something to do in that part of the building, do you?
     At least wrap that jaunty off-white slightly stained ace bandage around your swimsuit area.  I am not sure what is going on with your one leg- if you have an injury or something - but if you thought that wrapping that from mid-shin to mid-thigh counts as getting dressed under your trenchcoat you are sadly mistaken.  First of all, it is not clean.  Second of all, it only covers one leg.  Third of all, it is a fucking bandage.  I have said this before, you have to have at least some sweatpants on.  Those would cover the bandage AND the testicles.  That would solve everything.  I would settle for even just some underwear, although I am guessing that stained tighty-whities would be the result and I am not sure that is any better.  But something.  That bandage that you have on doesn't count as pants, and it doesn't count as a sock either, because I notice there are no socks under those jet-black velcro tennis shoes.  Just an ace bandage, and that doesn't count for anything at all.
     So in summation you are wildly inappropriate for the environment in which you are currently within.  I am not sure if that sentence made sense or followed English grammar rules.  Anyway, if I were trying to be politically correct and a little more polite and understated in a British sort of way, I would say that you are underdressed.  But in reality you aren't dressed at all.  You are actually creepier and more offensive than those guys who run around baseball stadiums naked because you look like someone who is about to flash me.  Or anyone walking by.  Or a bus fill of children.  And nobody wants that.  So put some pants on under that coat and settle down just a little bit.  It will do everyone a world of good.

Yours,

Big Dave

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