Thursday, March 31, 2011

Important Questions Answered Part 4

I received one of those chain e-mails with lots of goofy questions about life that seem to defy answers. Well I don't buy it, and I feel that I have answers for most of them without doing any research whatsoever. So I am going to answer them for you, but there are a lot so we are going to do them in groups of ten until they are all answered. Today is Part 4.

31.)  Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?  So if they crash before they get to where they are going, they can survive and then go do their Kamikaze mission.  Also, those are old and defective helmets that they have to get rid of anyway, so they might as well.

32.)  Whose idea as it to put an "S" in the word "lisp?"  One mean mother f-er, that's whose. Let's blame it on Dick Clark, how does that sound?

33.)  If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?  Because evolution goes off in branches.  Actually, today's apes evolved from the same, separate creature that humans did.  Nature found a reason and a way for both to be around.  Just because humans evolved doesn't mean they were better, it just means we were different.  An ape wouldn't think that we are better, would he?

34.)  Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?  Actually, most bubbles are clear and reflect all sorts of colors, and when you put a million billion bubbles in a tub or sink or kiddie pool, they all reflect all sorts of different colors and that, Company, is what makes white.  So they look white.

35.)  Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?  Nope.  There is always a mattress on sale somewhere in the world every day.  Probably somewhere in your state even.

36.)  Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?  It is not so much that we think there will be new food in there, it is more that we are hoping that we will have a new taste for something.  Like, perhaps this time when we see the lasagna in there we will want that to eat when maybe we didn't last time.  It is just like giving a second date to a girl that you weren't crazy about on the first date just to see if you feel different about her.  If you are thinking there will be new food in there you are an idiot.

37.)  Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?  We do that because we want it to be in the vacuum cleaner's bag or container, not in the garbage can, and the only way to do that is to run it through the vacuum.  We inspect it to see if it can go through the beaters or if we have to send it through the attachment hose, which I often do just so I can say that the vacuum and I bet it and that we won against the string.  Take that, society.

38.)  Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?  Just to piss you off.  All packaging is like that.  When they have to choose between consumer safety in not having it open easily for tampering, and cosumer ease, they will choose safety every time.  Plus, the manufacturer and seller don't care if you destroy the packaging, you've already paid for it.

39.)  How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?  The bugs are really small, and just because it is enclosed to your eye doesn't mean it is to you.  Plus, lots of them have openings that you can't see up in the ceiling or wherever.  So that is how they get in.

40.)  Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?  The easy answer here would be to talk about the singular focus you have on the falling object, the large amount of variable that there are that could lead to something else being knocked over, etc. etc.  But the true root of the problem is that you are just clumsy and inattentive.  If you weren't so clumsy and inattentive you would have placed the original falling item on the table in a way that it would not fall off, you would would have not bumped it and set it into motion in the first place. See, it's just because you suck.

That's it.  We hope you have enjoyed our unresearched answers to these important life questions!

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