Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Important Questions Answered Part 3

I received one of those chain e-mails with lots of goofy questions about life that seem to defy answers. Well I don't buy it, and I feel that I have answers for most of them without doing any research whatsoever. So I am going to answer them for you, but there are a lot so we are going to do them in groups of ten until they are all answered. Today is Part 3.

21.)  Do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?  Yes, except for that LMNOP part.  That's all I have to answer.  But I will give you more because that is what I am all about.  The Alphabet Song was given the tune of the very old and very popular Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star so it was easy for kids to remember and learn their A-B-Cs because every child knew Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

22.)  Why did you just try singing the two songs from the last question?  So I could figure out the answer, what the fuck did you think?  And for the record, I didn't try singing the two songs, I succeeded spectacularly.  I sang the hell out of those two songs.

23.)  Why do they call it an asteroid when it is outside of the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it is in your ass?  The original question said "butt" but I changed it to "ass" so you could figure it out, because I am cool like that.  Also, it makes things more exciting.  But I digress.  See, the thing about this question is that the asteroid is outside of the atmosphere, not the hemisphere.  The atmosphere is what surrounds the Earth and allows us life, the hemisphere is the half of the globe in which you happen to live and is purely devised by man.  So I guess the correct answer would be to give the person asking this stupid question the Atomic Swirlie of a lifetime.

24.)  Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?  Yes, yes I know that.  And I have realized it.  Maybe it is just because the dog wants you to get the hell out of his face?  Did you ever think of that?

25.)  Why, why, why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?  Because at first we aren't sure it is the batteries that are the problem, so we are testing to see if there is a bad connection or something.  Second, pushing harder has a proven track record of working, so suck it.  Thirdly, we are usually pissed that we have to go push the buttons on the actual TV now that we take our frustrations out on the non-working remote.  Have you ever tried to do anything with the buttions on the TV?  Half the buttons aren't there that are on the remote.  It's a pain the ass.  I'd be pissed off too.

26.)  Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough money in account?  Because it is a no lose situation for the bank to make money.  Here is the deal: if you have insufficient funds you are going to either a.) put more money in the account and then they can subtract their fee from that so they get paid or b.) are never going to come back again and then just don't get paid.  It's not like they are ever going to be out the insufficient fund fee, now is it?  And scerario a is a lot more common than scenrio b, let me tell you that.

27.)  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?  Because they have no way to verify that there are actually four billion stars in the sky but they can easily tell if the paint is wet.  When we can't verify something ourselves, we have to have trust that someone else has done it.  When you are in an elevator, you trust the weight rating that is listed on the inside because you have no way to test it and probably don't want to at that time, but if I told you that a napkin could hold 19 quarters without ripping you'd try it yourself, right?  Case closed.

28.)  Why do they use sterilized needles for death by letheal injection?  Because if they don't, the other people on death row will be suing the hell out of the state to spare their lives.  Trust me and ask Georgia.  They are getting sued by a bunch of death row inmates because they got some of the drugs used in their lethal injections from a supplier in Britain that didn't import them correctly.  And you mean to tell me someone wouldn't sue over unsterile needles?

29.)  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?  That is a good question.  He really should have one, now shouldn't he?  Unless is isn't as great at swining on that vine as we have been led to believe and he rubs his face on a lot of rock outcroppings or something.

30.)  Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?  Because the bullets would go a long way if he didn't stop them and might injure some innocent bystanders, while the revolver is going to stop flying through the air just a couple of feet after you've chucked it at him.  Plus, getting hit in the head with a revolver would hurt.

Look for more answers tomorrow!

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