Monday, March 28, 2011

Important Questions Answered Part 1

I received one of those chain e-mails with lots of goofy questions about life that seem to defy answers.  Well I don't buy it, and I feel that I have answers for most of them without doing any research whatsoever.  So I am going to answer them for you, but there are a lot so we are going to do them in groups of ten until they are all answered.  Today is Part 1.

1.) Can you cry underwater?  Yes, you can cry underwater, as long as the tears are at a pressure greater than that of the water surrounding you.  If the pressure of the water surrounding you is of greater pressure it will cause the tears to remain in your tear ducts.  The tears will just mix with the surrounding water if you cry underwater.  This is, of course, my assumption and totally ignores the fact that you could be wearing a face mask or goggles, or even be in a submarine surrounded by wonderful, breathable air.

2.) How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?  I originally wanted to say that you has to be like a politician or businessman to be assassinated - entertainers don't count - but I am changing my answer to say that it is not the level of importance, it is the intent of the killer.  If it was planned out well in advance and the act was done just for the sake of killing that person for a reason, then it is an assassination.  If you just get in a fight and whip out your piece and kill someone, that is a murder.  Let's set the mark at a week, if you spend more than a week planning it out it is an assassination.  How does that sound?

3.)  Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?"  Where is the extra penny going?  It's going right to your ego.  We as people are so full of ourselves that we think our advice is worth two cents every time we give it, but we aren't as interested in what you have to say so we are only willing to give up one penny for that.

4.)  Once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?  This questions assumes that you believe in a heaven.  That being said, the answer is no.  If heaven is powerful enough to transport your soul there and sort of give it a body, it can give that body gym shorts and a sweatshit if you want it to.  The nice suit or dress is just for the people throwing themselves on your casket and screaming "WHY!?"

5.)  Why does round pizza come in a square box?  Because square boxes are cheaper to manufacture and purchase and you would fit the same amount of boxes on the shelf at the pizzza place whether they are round or square.

6.)  What disease did cured ham actually have?  Well, the easy, dork answer would be to say that curing in this sense is a type of preservation, not the treatment of disease.  But all things being fair, and for most of history, that ham has trichinosis.  That is the super dorky answer

7.)  How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?  Two reasons: a.) people were a lot less lazy back then and no one really minded carrying your luggage, plus there were bellhops and doormen everywhere to help you carry it around when you needed them and b.) the Russians weren't pumping billions of rubles into suitcase transportation technology, now were they?

8.)  Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?  Because while they are sleeping they are out like a light and they are super cute, and no one wants to admit that they are a snoring, drooling, gas expelling sack of crap while they are asleep.

9.) If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?  Yes. Next question.

10.) Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON television?  Good question, it should really be the other way around, since movies are projected ONTO a screen and television images come to the screen from a tube INSIDE the set, so I am going to say it is because the person coming up with the terms was dislexyic.  Either that or the person who coined the term "in a movie" was a part of the cast and the person who coined the term "on TV" was a viewer.  Either/or.

Look for more answers tomorrow.

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