Thursday, March 10, 2011

Cat in the Doghouse

     Here is the plan, Company: I am going to give a couple of disclaimers and then I am going to attempt to lay out in a clear, well thought-out and level-headed manner why I am currently not happy with the cat, even though very few things that I post here are well-thought out or level-headed.

     First, the disclaimers:

1.)  I prefer dogs.  I have been brought up around dogs.  I am familiar with them.  They poop outside, even though I still have to pick it up just like one has to do with cats.  But mostly I just prefer their attitue to that of cats, which I will refer to as catitude if you'd prefer.  I don't want an independent pet, okay?  I don't spend the time and money and effort in acquiring a pet for the sake of the pet, I do it for me.  I want a pet that will go where I tell it to go and do what I tell it to do when I tell it to do it.  Lots of people say that dogs are dumb, I just think they are smart enough to not bite the hand that feeds them.  I don't mean that literally though because lots of people get bitten by dogs.

2.)  I do not hate the cat, okay?  Let's get that straight.  Before everyone gets all bent out of shape and yells at me I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not hate her.  I have actually grown somewhat attached to her.  She is a sweet thing most of the time, and she is very nice and very soft.  She likes to meow a lot in a cute an affectionate sort of way, and I find that endearing.  So I don't hate her.  I am just not happy with her at the moment.  I can't stress that enough.

     Now, the supposedly well-thought out and level-headed reasons I am not happy with the cat that are probably in all actuality neither well-thought out or level-headed:

1.)  She is lazy.  I know, she's a cat.  But suffice it to say that all day yesterday she laid curled up in the chair.  During the first couple hours that I was home she raised her head once, for about five seconds.  I wanted to sit in the chair but I was nice and let her lay there and sat on the couch.

2.)  When I went to make dinner, she immediately ran in and thought that I should give her some tunafish.  She didn't do anything to deserve any tunafish.  She didn't even say hello to me.  But I have been told that denying tunafish to a cat is like the cruelest thing one can do.  So I gave some to her and some to the other cat.

3.)  When I was done putting dinner together I walked out into the living room and she was sitting there on the floor.  I scooped her up and petted her and proceeded to explain to her that she needed to earn her tunafish by letting me pick her up and pet her whenever I wanted.  She immediately began to cry and writhe around until I moved to put her down, at which time she lept out of my arms like I had been trying to strangle her.

4.)  In hind sight, she might have not wanted to be picked up because her stomach wasn't feeling good, because about five minutes later as I walked into the kitchen she proceeded to barf yellow liquid and whole chunks of unchewed tuna onto the floor.  Excuse me, the carpet.  She was like two feet from the linoleum, but she chose to ralph all over the carpet instead.  Then, she chose to watch me as I cleaned it up.

5.)  She came and laid on my lap while I was lying in bed, which was nice except she bolted as soon as Baby Doll came into bed.  She was just using me for my warmth.  Terrible.

6.)  At 4:20 am when I got up to get a drink of water and go to the bathroom I discovered that she had chosen to barf up more yellow liquid and come unchewed cat food on the carpet, but this time it was in more than one spot and directly in front of the bathroom door.  I discovered this by walking through it.  Fantastic.  So now I had cat hoark all over my feet and I was left cleaning it up from a bunch of different spots at 4:30 am.  The cat, again, watched me from the bathroom (her favorite room) while I dealt with this.

7.)  This morning when I woke up, my feet were hanging over the edge of the bed, and the cat was lying where my feet were supposed to go.

I guess that what I am getting at is that I am getting the short end of the stick here somehow.  I am losing the battle and I don't know how or why.  I am sure things will be better today when I get home.  She might actually even get up for a change.  But until then she's still in my doghouse.  No excuse for the pun.

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