Thursday, March 31, 2011

Important Questions Answered Part 4

I received one of those chain e-mails with lots of goofy questions about life that seem to defy answers. Well I don't buy it, and I feel that I have answers for most of them without doing any research whatsoever. So I am going to answer them for you, but there are a lot so we are going to do them in groups of ten until they are all answered. Today is Part 4.

31.)  Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?  So if they crash before they get to where they are going, they can survive and then go do their Kamikaze mission.  Also, those are old and defective helmets that they have to get rid of anyway, so they might as well.

32.)  Whose idea as it to put an "S" in the word "lisp?"  One mean mother f-er, that's whose. Let's blame it on Dick Clark, how does that sound?

33.)  If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?  Because evolution goes off in branches.  Actually, today's apes evolved from the same, separate creature that humans did.  Nature found a reason and a way for both to be around.  Just because humans evolved doesn't mean they were better, it just means we were different.  An ape wouldn't think that we are better, would he?

34.)  Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?  Actually, most bubbles are clear and reflect all sorts of colors, and when you put a million billion bubbles in a tub or sink or kiddie pool, they all reflect all sorts of different colors and that, Company, is what makes white.  So they look white.

35.)  Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?  Nope.  There is always a mattress on sale somewhere in the world every day.  Probably somewhere in your state even.

36.)  Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?  It is not so much that we think there will be new food in there, it is more that we are hoping that we will have a new taste for something.  Like, perhaps this time when we see the lasagna in there we will want that to eat when maybe we didn't last time.  It is just like giving a second date to a girl that you weren't crazy about on the first date just to see if you feel different about her.  If you are thinking there will be new food in there you are an idiot.

37.)  Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?  We do that because we want it to be in the vacuum cleaner's bag or container, not in the garbage can, and the only way to do that is to run it through the vacuum.  We inspect it to see if it can go through the beaters or if we have to send it through the attachment hose, which I often do just so I can say that the vacuum and I bet it and that we won against the string.  Take that, society.

38.)  Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?  Just to piss you off.  All packaging is like that.  When they have to choose between consumer safety in not having it open easily for tampering, and cosumer ease, they will choose safety every time.  Plus, the manufacturer and seller don't care if you destroy the packaging, you've already paid for it.

39.)  How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?  The bugs are really small, and just because it is enclosed to your eye doesn't mean it is to you.  Plus, lots of them have openings that you can't see up in the ceiling or wherever.  So that is how they get in.

40.)  Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?  The easy answer here would be to talk about the singular focus you have on the falling object, the large amount of variable that there are that could lead to something else being knocked over, etc. etc.  But the true root of the problem is that you are just clumsy and inattentive.  If you weren't so clumsy and inattentive you would have placed the original falling item on the table in a way that it would not fall off, you would would have not bumped it and set it into motion in the first place. See, it's just because you suck.

That's it.  We hope you have enjoyed our unresearched answers to these important life questions!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Important Questions Answered Part 3

I received one of those chain e-mails with lots of goofy questions about life that seem to defy answers. Well I don't buy it, and I feel that I have answers for most of them without doing any research whatsoever. So I am going to answer them for you, but there are a lot so we are going to do them in groups of ten until they are all answered. Today is Part 3.

21.)  Do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?  Yes, except for that LMNOP part.  That's all I have to answer.  But I will give you more because that is what I am all about.  The Alphabet Song was given the tune of the very old and very popular Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star so it was easy for kids to remember and learn their A-B-Cs because every child knew Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

22.)  Why did you just try singing the two songs from the last question?  So I could figure out the answer, what the fuck did you think?  And for the record, I didn't try singing the two songs, I succeeded spectacularly.  I sang the hell out of those two songs.

23.)  Why do they call it an asteroid when it is outside of the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it is in your ass?  The original question said "butt" but I changed it to "ass" so you could figure it out, because I am cool like that.  Also, it makes things more exciting.  But I digress.  See, the thing about this question is that the asteroid is outside of the atmosphere, not the hemisphere.  The atmosphere is what surrounds the Earth and allows us life, the hemisphere is the half of the globe in which you happen to live and is purely devised by man.  So I guess the correct answer would be to give the person asking this stupid question the Atomic Swirlie of a lifetime.

24.)  Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?  Yes, yes I know that.  And I have realized it.  Maybe it is just because the dog wants you to get the hell out of his face?  Did you ever think of that?

25.)  Why, why, why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?  Because at first we aren't sure it is the batteries that are the problem, so we are testing to see if there is a bad connection or something.  Second, pushing harder has a proven track record of working, so suck it.  Thirdly, we are usually pissed that we have to go push the buttons on the actual TV now that we take our frustrations out on the non-working remote.  Have you ever tried to do anything with the buttions on the TV?  Half the buttons aren't there that are on the remote.  It's a pain the ass.  I'd be pissed off too.

26.)  Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough money in account?  Because it is a no lose situation for the bank to make money.  Here is the deal: if you have insufficient funds you are going to either a.) put more money in the account and then they can subtract their fee from that so they get paid or b.) are never going to come back again and then just don't get paid.  It's not like they are ever going to be out the insufficient fund fee, now is it?  And scerario a is a lot more common than scenrio b, let me tell you that.

27.)  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?  Because they have no way to verify that there are actually four billion stars in the sky but they can easily tell if the paint is wet.  When we can't verify something ourselves, we have to have trust that someone else has done it.  When you are in an elevator, you trust the weight rating that is listed on the inside because you have no way to test it and probably don't want to at that time, but if I told you that a napkin could hold 19 quarters without ripping you'd try it yourself, right?  Case closed.

28.)  Why do they use sterilized needles for death by letheal injection?  Because if they don't, the other people on death row will be suing the hell out of the state to spare their lives.  Trust me and ask Georgia.  They are getting sued by a bunch of death row inmates because they got some of the drugs used in their lethal injections from a supplier in Britain that didn't import them correctly.  And you mean to tell me someone wouldn't sue over unsterile needles?

29.)  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?  That is a good question.  He really should have one, now shouldn't he?  Unless is isn't as great at swining on that vine as we have been led to believe and he rubs his face on a lot of rock outcroppings or something.

30.)  Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?  Because the bullets would go a long way if he didn't stop them and might injure some innocent bystanders, while the revolver is going to stop flying through the air just a couple of feet after you've chucked it at him.  Plus, getting hit in the head with a revolver would hurt.

Look for more answers tomorrow!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Important Questions Answered Part 2

I received one of those chain e-mails with lots of goofy questions about life that seem to defy answers. Well I don't buy it, and I feel that I have answers for most of them without doing any research whatsoever. So I am going to answer them for you, but there are a lot so we are going to do them in groups of ten until they are all answered. Today is Part 2.

11.) Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?  Because they can see things from a whole new perspective and plus it makes them feel really, really big.  Also, they can see really far away to areas that they wouldn't normally walk to, and they don't want to take a bus.

12.)  Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They are going to see you naked anyway...  Not necessarily.  What is they are a podiatrist?  Plus, lots of times you don't even have to change anymore.  In general it is usually a courtesy, and these days they are probably on the way to see another patient anyway.  My doctor has a ridiculous amount of patients and he is always late.

13.)  Why is "bra" sigular and "panties" plural?  Because panties are actually a diminutive of pants.  There, I said it.  Then someone got confused and said that panties come in a pair and now we are where we stand today.

14.)  Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?  Maybe toasters were designed by someone who wasn't a decent human being, or maybe they are just put together super cheaply and they really aren't supposed to be that dark. Or, toasters were designed by a dog, and they have come up with an ingenious way to get themselves some people food.

15.)  If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?  Well, last time I checked, the song went "Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care..." so there is probably someone out there who cares deeply about the infamous corn cracking and who has never sang the song to show their indifference.  Also, I would suspect that Jimmy cares a lot as well.

16.)  If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a cocnut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?  Oh, he could have.  He totally could have.  But he had a life insurance policy taken out before he went on the cruise, and has realized that the money goes to his research foundation, which is finishing his research back at the University and making him posthumously famous.  Then, once the fund is highly endowed and he makes it off the island, he will be super famous and the fund can pay back the insurance company and all will be well.  Plus, he knows the other guys can get a lot of money from book and TV rights so they won't be so upset.

17.) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!  Goofy also talks and later drives a car.  I also saw him fly a plane once.  The thing is that Goofy was created as a character in the 30s or 40s, while Pluto was created to be Mickey's pet.  Also, Goofy got a lot more radiation from that comet that came to Earth than Pluto did.  I just made that up.  It's the first thing.

18.)  If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?  Because then we wouldn't have a kickass cartoon.  Besides, all that ACME stuff came mail order so they were happy to take his cash because they didn't know he was a coyote; when was the last time you saw a coyote served in a diner?  Plus, I never saw a diner out in the desert where he was chasing the Roadrunner.  All there was were roads and mesas and cacti.  Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he just bought one ACME thing and it never worked right so he just kept returning it for store credit and getting something new.  Kind of like on Family Guy.  Also, once he found an ACME product that worked well, he could get roadrunner after roadrunner, whereas he could only buy dinner once with the money.

19.) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?  Babies.  Just kidding.  Things like baby oil and motor oil are made up of things that you could never hope to pronounce using processes you could never begin to understand, so they just named them after what you should be putting them on or in instead.  You can't take things literally or else you'd think that motor oil was made of motors and two-cycle oil was made out of two bicycles or two motorcycles for each container.

20.)  If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?  No, electrons were discovered and named long after electricity was discovered, so they were named after it.  Morons have been around since the dawn of man.  Moronity would be what comes from morons anyway, moron.  Get our of here with your moronity.

Look for more answers tomorrow!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Important Questions Answered Part 1

I received one of those chain e-mails with lots of goofy questions about life that seem to defy answers.  Well I don't buy it, and I feel that I have answers for most of them without doing any research whatsoever.  So I am going to answer them for you, but there are a lot so we are going to do them in groups of ten until they are all answered.  Today is Part 1.

1.) Can you cry underwater?  Yes, you can cry underwater, as long as the tears are at a pressure greater than that of the water surrounding you.  If the pressure of the water surrounding you is of greater pressure it will cause the tears to remain in your tear ducts.  The tears will just mix with the surrounding water if you cry underwater.  This is, of course, my assumption and totally ignores the fact that you could be wearing a face mask or goggles, or even be in a submarine surrounded by wonderful, breathable air.

2.) How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?  I originally wanted to say that you has to be like a politician or businessman to be assassinated - entertainers don't count - but I am changing my answer to say that it is not the level of importance, it is the intent of the killer.  If it was planned out well in advance and the act was done just for the sake of killing that person for a reason, then it is an assassination.  If you just get in a fight and whip out your piece and kill someone, that is a murder.  Let's set the mark at a week, if you spend more than a week planning it out it is an assassination.  How does that sound?

3.)  Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?"  Where is the extra penny going?  It's going right to your ego.  We as people are so full of ourselves that we think our advice is worth two cents every time we give it, but we aren't as interested in what you have to say so we are only willing to give up one penny for that.

4.)  Once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?  This questions assumes that you believe in a heaven.  That being said, the answer is no.  If heaven is powerful enough to transport your soul there and sort of give it a body, it can give that body gym shorts and a sweatshit if you want it to.  The nice suit or dress is just for the people throwing themselves on your casket and screaming "WHY!?"

5.)  Why does round pizza come in a square box?  Because square boxes are cheaper to manufacture and purchase and you would fit the same amount of boxes on the shelf at the pizzza place whether they are round or square.

6.)  What disease did cured ham actually have?  Well, the easy, dork answer would be to say that curing in this sense is a type of preservation, not the treatment of disease.  But all things being fair, and for most of history, that ham has trichinosis.  That is the super dorky answer

7.)  How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?  Two reasons: a.) people were a lot less lazy back then and no one really minded carrying your luggage, plus there were bellhops and doormen everywhere to help you carry it around when you needed them and b.) the Russians weren't pumping billions of rubles into suitcase transportation technology, now were they?

8.)  Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?  Because while they are sleeping they are out like a light and they are super cute, and no one wants to admit that they are a snoring, drooling, gas expelling sack of crap while they are asleep.

9.) If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?  Yes. Next question.

10.) Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON television?  Good question, it should really be the other way around, since movies are projected ONTO a screen and television images come to the screen from a tube INSIDE the set, so I am going to say it is because the person coming up with the terms was dislexyic.  Either that or the person who coined the term "in a movie" was a part of the cast and the person who coined the term "on TV" was a viewer.  Either/or.

Look for more answers tomorrow.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Current Happenings and You

    Here are some things that are happening in the world today and how they affect you:

1.) Lindsay Lohan wants to be known as just Lindsay.  Doesn't matter, she is still going to be stupid and still going to be useless and still going to be a little bit skanky.  This won't impact you unless your name is Lindsay, in which case you will "want to kill the fucking bitch."

2.) Her mother and younger sister are going to take back the mother's maiden name.  No one cares and it won't impact you at all, except for the several seconds you just spent reading about it.

For $825, there had better be a ninja in one of those pockets too.
3.) There is an $825 wallet available that has a Bluetooth proximity alarm, carbon-fiber shell, and can only be opened with a fingerprint.  Odds are that this won't affect you, because if you can afford an $825 wallet you probably don't carry one around with you anyway.  If you happen to purchase one it will affect you when you become the victim of a terrible crime and the authorities can't open it to find ID and identify the body.

Qatar's is solar powered and flies, that's all I've got to say.
4.)  A sports writer claims that Qatar stole their idea for using a sun shade to cool World Cup stadiums from The Simpsons.  This won't affect you unless you are going to the 2022 World Cup as either a player, coach, or spectator.  And since most Americans don't care that much about soccer, you probably won't be.  Oh, if you are a copyright infringement lawyer of a particularly seedy nature, this might affect your too.  But probably not.

5.)  They are a making a movie about a 39-year-old woman who became a Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader.  This will affect everyone as it will divert resources from movies that you might potentially actually go see in the theater.  I assume you, like everyone else, won't be seeing this one.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Short Skirt Girl and Me

     It is not very warm outside of the Worldwide Headquarters today, Company.  And that is just fine.  Winter has decided that it is not ready to let go just yet.  I, however, have decided that I am no longer willing to participate in winter so I went running my errands today in my traditional dress: gym shorts and a hooded sweatshirt.  With sandals on my feet.  Believe me, I am fully aware that it is too early in the season for this kind of dress, at least in most people's eyes, but I still took exception to the reaction of a certain girl that I ran across at the grocery store.
     There must have been a wedding in town, because there were lots of people at the grocery store in wedding garb, okay?  Suits with flowers buttoned on the lapel.  Black dress pants on women.  Etc, etc.  I would say that it was prom except everyone dressed up seemed to be like my age or over.  Except for one girl.  She was with a guy about my age, and she looked like she was maybe 22-24.  That was not the think that was most noticable about her though.  Everyone was looking at her because she was wearing a beige jacket, with a really short black skirt and black stilettos.
     Yeah, and she had peroxide blonde hair and too much eyeshadow too.  And she was sticking out like a sore thumb.  See, I was not dressed appropriately for the season, but I still sort of looked like I belonged, with my ratty sweatshirt and shorts with a college logo screened on the left leg.  Plus, I was a little dark and gloomy.  But she do I say this nicely...kind of skanked out and she was a splash of bright on an otherwise somewhat gloomy crowd.  But you could tell she was dressed to be noticed, while I was dressed to not have to tie any shoelaces.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say not winter OR wedding appropriate
     So anyway, I took exception to this girl because she gave me this look as I was standing next to the service counter that sort of said "What the hell is wrong with you wearing shorts at this time of year?"  and I thought "Hold the fucking phone, Princess.  Your little hooch skirt is covering way less than my shorts are."  And it was true.  My shorts come down over my knees when I am standing up, and if I am walking and carrying a bunch of stuff they often will come all the way down to the floor if I am not careful, whereas your little skirt is barely coming down BELOW YOUR COAT.  So how is it that you are dressed okay for the season but I am not.  Is it because you are in dress clothes?  Because I have seen plenty of women choose seasonally appropriate dress clothes, and even find cold weather dress clothes that say "Undress me with your eyes" like you seem to be saying with your little - and I mean little - ensemble there.
     So here is the deal girlie, as you go out into the world to do whatever it is you do: lay off the attitude.  I am equally or more appropriately dressed than you will ever be for the grocery store.  I am laid back.  You are going to get laid, I would assume.  So just settle down and keep your judgements to yourself, or at least have the decency to wait until I am not looking then post them on the Internet.  That's the American way to do it.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Random Romance Blog

     Here is the deal, Company.  I told you yesterday that I was suffering from terrible writers block, so I have shifted my mind to be super creative in other ways.  That being said, I am going to write a blog for you today that is mad up of random paragraphs unedited from free online romance novels.  Okay?  Enjoy...

     The southern breeze is blowing softly through her hair.  Scent of honeysuckles blossoms drifting through the air, and bird chirping in the background.  Georgianna Devoe is lying in a hammock under a maple tree sipping an ice cold glass of ice tea with a tinge of burbon.  Dabbing her lips with a delicate linen napkin to catch the drop running down the side of her mouth, she was enjoying the peace and quiet for a moment.
     "Why don't you remove your tie, unbutton a couple of buttons on that shirt, and act like you are home by your fire, relaxing?"  Shaking a handful of fruit and nuts out for herself, she offered him the jar, adding "You have a fireplace at home, don't you?"
     "I do, yes.  But how did you know that?"
     I looked at him, unsure of what to do next. "Are you sure?  If you have somewhere to be or things to do it's fine.  Yesterday was no big deal and I'd completely understand," I said, giving him an out.  Why did I say that?  I should've said what I was really thinking.  He bit his lip.  "Yesterday was a big deal, I met you," he said quietly.
     Dunham listened as long as his ear could catch the sound, then a strange desolation settled down upon him.  How was it that a few short hours ago he had known nothing, cared nothing, about this stranger?  And now her going had left things blank enough!  It was foolish, of course - just highly wrought nerved over this mostly extraordinary occurrence.  Life has heretofore run in such smooth, conventional grooves as to have been almost prosaic; and now to be suddenly plunged into romance and mystery unbalances him for the time.
     On the way to rejoin her date, she belched.  It was loud.  She wasn't sure Ken heard it, but half the diners in the restaurant looked at her as she took her seat back at their table.  She was embarradded by the belch, but knew she needed it.  It relieved the gas inside her that has been brought on by just hearing from Ken that they would be going to a movie with the actor who most reminded her of the man she most depised; even feared.
Excerpts from:

Honeysuckles of the South by Shirley Boykin
Dream Lover by Jean MacIntyre
Unbreakable Heart by Christina L. Nelson
The Mystery of May by Grace Livingston Hill
And You Will Find Love by Walter Oleksy
Lavender and Old Lace by Myrtle Reed

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Writer's Block 2000

     So, a couple of days ago we sort of did our best to be like the weatherman and look into the future of the next 1000 posts.  You know, since we had just finished our first thousand.  And in our eyes the future was very bright.  Very bright.  Anything could happen and everything would.  One problem: I don't really have anything to say right now.
     That's right, Company, I am going through a serious case of what we call the writer's block.  I also have a major case of apathy.  So I have no idea what to write on a daily basis.  Now, this has happened before I assure you, and I am sure that you probably noticed the lack of quality and effort if you were paying attention.  And you will notice the same thing now.  Way to kick off the second thousand posts, isn't it?  But shit happens, and like an experienced pilot I will pull things out of this dangerous tailspin.  So stick with us.  And hope I break through.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Weather the Storm

     In the movie Ocean's Twelve, Reuben is sitting with the Tarot card reader in a very stereotypical sort of Tarot card reading setup, all the Gypsy-esque trappings inside of a tent, light streaming into the dark tent over his shoulder, when Terry Benedict comes to find him and collect his money.  He looks at the Tarot card reader and says "This!  You couldn't see this!?"
     We as a human race are always fascinated with the future, because just like space and death it is the ultimate unknown.  Or is it?  Because we regularly predict the future, or at least the short term future.  There are actually "futures" markets where people essentially bet on how many hogs are going to be raised in Iowa next month, or how many pineapples are going to be grown in Hawaii.  And there is one other place in which we ask talented young men and women to predict the immediate and not-so-immediate future every day.  We give them the most advanced technical equipment and training, and every day they have the unenviable task of predicting what the weather will be tomorrow.
      That's right, Company.  Weatherpersons essentially have to predict the future every day.  Now they have a lot of help - they have super big high end computers, they have over a century of accumulated patterns and data and a Mother Nature who is relatively rooted in routine and who likes doing things a certain way.  But still, they are able - to a pretty high degree of accuracy - to predict what will or will not appear in the sky tomorrow.  Now that is pretty good, and I am more and more impressed with every passing day.
Uh oh...where's Helen Hunt?
     The reason that I bring this up is because a lot of people I know have been pretty hard on the local weatherpersons recently.  It all seemed to come to a head recently when we had what some people like to call a "snow event."  You might know this as a snowstorm.  The weather folks were predicting the Worldwide Headquarters to get 10-16" of snow over the course of, oh, say eighteen hours.  That is pretty significant for March, and it was supposed to be an especially nasty heavy, wet snowfall.  When it was over we had about six inches of light, icy, and powdery snow on the ground.  That being said, most of the area they said was going to get that much snow actually got that much snow, but for some reason it just sort of slid around the Worldwide Headquarters and left us with a lot less.
     And people have been complaining.  A lot.  First they all complained because we were supposed to get so much snow, and then they complained because we didn't get that much.  "Fucking Mother Nature, why does it have to snow again?  I am sick of this shit."  Then they wake up in the morning and it is all "Those weather people were wrong, we didn't get hardly as much snow as they said we would.  They are always wrong and they always blow things way out of proportion." 
Even if the amount was off, they still told you about this.
     Hmmm...settle down.  First of all, they always err on the side of caution, so that you don't expect a dusting of snow and then you get Snowpocalypse.  Or so you don't expect a quarter inch of rain and get the movie Twister.  They want you to be overprepared, and believe me they understand that there is a very thin line between having people be prepared and losing their credibility.  So that is why they always seem to be going overboard.  Second, no matter how precise their models are, or how good they can be, or how much information they have, a one degree variation today can mean hundreds of miles tomorrow.  Things happen.  The air is one degree warmer here than they thought it would be and the whole situation changes.  That is just how it is.
      So let's just lay off the weathermen, okay?  And the weatherwomen.  They are just as good.  They get it close, and they get it right most of the time.  So thank them, and don't freak out when it turns out to be not so bad, or a little worse than you expected.  They try hard, and deep down you know that they get it right most of the time, because you keep going back.  You know they're good.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

An Open Letter to the Guy in My Office Building

Dear Guy in My Office Building,

     Yes, you, with the greasy salt and pepper hair that looks like it has never seen a comb and the wild eyes who is talking very loudly about one person threatening to knock another person's head off.  I just want to make you aware of two important points: Nothing but a trenchcoat is not office-appropriate attire, and a bandage wrapped around one leg does not count as pants.
     I understand that it is cold and snowing outside today.  I mean, it is still winter, isn't it?  And it is a heavy, wet snow that is falling.  So I would probably want the protection from the elements as well.  Kudos on using the appropriate outer wear.  The problem is that no matter how long your trenchcoat is, you still have to wear the appropriate inner wear.  You can't really just be naked under it.  I mean, I suppose you technically CAN be naked under it, but it is just not appropriate.  You have to man up and at least put some sweatpants on under there.  I don't even care if you put underwear on or not, that is fine.  You can let the boys hang loose and free all that you want.  But there is going to be a point where you have to sit down and you don't really strike me as a cross-your-legs kind of guy.  You strike me very much as a 1982-Ford-Escort-Wagon-sinking-into-your-front-yard-that-hasn't-moved-since-the-Clinton-Administration kind of guy, but not the leg crossing type.  Maybe the eat-Beef-a-Roni-cold-and-straight-from-the-can type but not so much the leg crossing kind.  So everyone and I mean everyone is going to be seeing your berries and your dingleberries as you sit there.  Seriously, everybody.  You don't think it's a coincidence that suddenly everyone had something to do in that part of the building, do you?
     At least wrap that jaunty off-white slightly stained ace bandage around your swimsuit area.  I am not sure what is going on with your one leg- if you have an injury or something - but if you thought that wrapping that from mid-shin to mid-thigh counts as getting dressed under your trenchcoat you are sadly mistaken.  First of all, it is not clean.  Second of all, it only covers one leg.  Third of all, it is a fucking bandage.  I have said this before, you have to have at least some sweatpants on.  Those would cover the bandage AND the testicles.  That would solve everything.  I would settle for even just some underwear, although I am guessing that stained tighty-whities would be the result and I am not sure that is any better.  But something.  That bandage that you have on doesn't count as pants, and it doesn't count as a sock either, because I notice there are no socks under those jet-black velcro tennis shoes.  Just an ace bandage, and that doesn't count for anything at all.
     So in summation you are wildly inappropriate for the environment in which you are currently within.  I am not sure if that sentence made sense or followed English grammar rules.  Anyway, if I were trying to be politically correct and a little more polite and understated in a British sort of way, I would say that you are underdressed.  But in reality you aren't dressed at all.  You are actually creepier and more offensive than those guys who run around baseball stadiums naked because you look like someone who is about to flash me.  Or anyone walking by.  Or a bus fill of children.  And nobody wants that.  So put some pants on under that coat and settle down just a little bit.  It will do everyone a world of good.


Big Dave

Monday, March 21, 2011

Fail to Fame

    There is something wrong with our society right now, Company.  We are all backwards.  Somewhere along the way we flipped over ourselves like some sort of perverted Möbius strip and now we have everything wrong becuase it seems to me that you should have to be good at something to become famous.
     That is right folks, you don't have to be good at anything to become famous anymore.  That is the honest and horrible truth.  We have become so consumed with something I can't even begin to describe that we really like to see people fail at life, almost even more than we like to see them succeed.
     How else do you explain the success of America's Funniest Home Videos (or America's Funniest Videos as they call it these days) which dedicates roughly 18 minutes of each 22 minute episode to people face planting on their dirtbikes or jumping off of the roof of the garage onto a giant trampoline and then missing the inflatable pool and landing on the gas grill or something.  I think that last one is actually the name of one of their segments.  If I throw out the names Fantasia or David Cook you aren't going to remember that I am talking about American Idol winners but if I say William Hung or "Pants on the Ground" you know what I am refering to, right?
     And so it goes.  The latest and greatest person in this line of "talents" seems to be a 13-year-old girl names Rebecca Black who looks mysteriously like Demi Lovato.  Ms. Black has released - on a self-described "independent record label" - a pop song called "Friday."  Now I like Friday, okay?  I like the day, and I really liked the movie.  But I have never heard the song, and I doubt I will, because it is widely being panned as the worst song in the history of ever.  Even worse than The Most Unwanted Song.   They are deadpanning the lyrics.  They are ragging on the horrible auto-tuning.  They are sneering at the laughable YouTube video.
     Yet people are tuning in.  YouTube is where it began, like so many other things.  Her video for the song has received like 29 million hits since it went up, and if officially classified as "viral" by whomever does the classifying.  Last Tuesday, March 15th, the song became available on iTunes, which is more than I can say for any song that you or I have written, unless you are a professional songwriter who happens to be reading this.  And even more puzzling is that it has reached the top 25 on the iTunes charts, which means that PEOPLE ARE PAYING to hear something absolutely terribly.  The mind reels.
     So aparently these days you don't need to be talented, or to do anything heroic or special, to become famous.  You don't have to go the Stephen Douglass route and be famous an an orator politician.  You don't have to be Joe Theisman and revolutionize what is now America's true game.  You don't have to be Usher whose music I don't care for but who can dance like it's going out of style.  Nope.  You just have to suck balls at something and do so publicly.  I mean, I give Rebecca Black a lot of credit for following her dream and putting herself out there, and good for her with all of her success.  But is she really any good at what she is doing?  And if she's not, should we really care?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Spring Exhibit A

     We talked the other day about how spring was springing in a way.  Well, it is here for certain now because we are having weather that can only be attributed to springtime.
    There have been a lot of people who live around the Worldwide Headquarters going on today about how they thought spring was here the past few days because they were out and about with their flip flops on but now that winter is back because we got like an inch and a half of heavy, wet snow this morning.  Settle down people.  The crazy weather is People's Exhibit A in why spring is here.
     First if all, let me tell you about some of the words the weather forecast for the Worldwide Headquarters today: rain, snow, freezing rain, thunderstorm, hail, high and low.  Now, high and low are in every forecast so we can just throw them out as being unusual, because every day has a forecast high and a forecast low, as well as actual highs and lows.  But it is a little unusual to have rain, hail, thunderstorms, and snow all on one day.  That is weather that can only happen as winter and summer fight it out in the springtime.
     See, there is a system coming in.  Last night and this morning the air was cold enough for snow to fall as big, gigantic wet flakes all over the damn place.  Then, in the late morning and afternoon it was warm enough that it could be rain.  Well now the ground has cooled off enough that the rain is freezing on contact, hence freezing rain.  I am sure we can throw sleet in there too because that will start falling shortly.  Then I am sure there will be some more snow eventually when night falls again.  That is just how it goes in the springtime.  There is so much warm air and cold air mixing together with just enough heating of the sun that we get wacky weather.  Add in that most of the snow will be gone by the end of tomorrow and you have typically atypical spring weather.
     I, for one, am glad that it is here because I am ready for a little excitement.  And I am ready for the sunshine and warmth that will come after it.  So just be patient, Company, and settle in.  the summer will be here.  Once winter and spring and summer finish battling it out.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Next 1000 Posts

     I have to begin by apologizing to all of you, Company, because we have been having a lot of technical difficulties here in at the Worldwide Headquarters.  I would like to report, however, that with a lot of technical assistance from our Technical Producer Mike-a-licious and his big juicy brain, plus a lot of free Internet software and a ton of money skimmed off the top of the podcast accounts, we have taken care of the problems and are up an rolling.  And so our second 1000 posts are off to a rousing start.
     Oh well.  This is how it goes sometimes, and you can't predict the future.  I mean, we aren't weathermen.  I want to be able to tell you about all of the big plans that we have for our next 1000 posts, but I just don't know.  Every time I manage to come up with some grand laid plans they always go awry and crumble to the ground.  Like a sand castle at the beach except there is no water so it is more like the desert.  Wait, what?  Anyway, the point I am getting to is that I can't tell you what is going to happen here over the next three and a half years or so because I just don't know.  But I am happy to make some wild conjectures and guesses:

1.)  We will have another alphabetic post event.  This I can tell you for sure because I already have it planned and have actually started writing the posts.  See, I am going away on vacation sometime in April, and the Unpaid Interns have refused to do any posting because it is not in their "contract" which is what they are calling the paper that I call the "disclaimer" and "liability waiver."

2.)  I will bitch about something that I really shouldn't be bitching about.  I mean, that is almost a given.  Why wouldn't I do that?  I do that all the time.  And I will stick my foot in my mouth in the process.  Maybe someone will call me out on it like the last time when I was ripping on that innocent little kid when I didn't even know him.  Yeah, that was not smart on my part, that kid turned out to be pretty great.

3.)  There are going to be a bunch of shitty posts.  Yeah, that happens from time to time.  But you have to sift through a lot of dirt to get a few diamonds.

4.)  There are going to be some great posts.  Those are the diamonds.  The funny thing about it is that the ones I think are great usually aren't that well received, and the ones I think are pedestrian usually end up getting raves from you, Company.  That's just how it goes.  But they will be there.  For as much as my mind is fried these days, it is still capable of putting out something readable.

Those are four bang-out guesses for what is going to happen over the next 1000 posts, should we make it that far.  I think we might.  I mean, I never thought we would make it to this point, why not make it another 1000, right?  Wish us luck.  I hope that you are willing to come along for the ride.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Last 1000 Posts

     So for those of you who weren't paying attention yesterday, we featured our 1000th post.  That is ten times one hundred, which is ten times what I thought we'd ever get to.  Yet here we are, and we are blazing into our next 1000 with the fire of 1000 suns.  But let's take a moment to look back at some of our favorite moments from the last 1000 posts.

      I was sitting in my living room many Worldwide Headquarters ago and I looked over and noticed that my book Salt: A World History was missing off of my bookshelf.  This led to a long and arduous journey that lasted for like five months, with many twists and turns and an emotional roller coaster that is unparalleled in world literature.  Okay, that might be a stretch, but there was still a lot of pictures, angst, and even a kidnapping.  Plus there were a lot of snappy lines, so I guess that it was more like an episode of Castle.  And that makes it cool in my book.

     I also began a long relationship with the Blessed Virgin Mary that lived outside of my apartment right near the stairs that I had to use to get in and out.  I also began an equally strange journey with all of her representations - usually housed in a half-sunken claws foot bathtub - that followed me all around the country.  Strangely enough, I haven't seen a BVM in quite some time, and I can only wonder what she has in store for us.  Maybe I need to go to a less touristy place.

     We tirelessly and repeatedly plugged something called "The Bump Experiment" that some guy in North Carolina was putting on.  We even set a post like years in advance so we didn't forget it.  The problem, however, was that the guy who was putting it on seemed to forget.  There was nothing on his website to mark the day when it finally came to pass.  We did, however, try bumping several things and it didn't work out so hot.

     We have never won any awards beyond the undying love of over a dozen loyal followers, despite the fact that we give out a Blog of the Year Award every June 30th.  We hope to win it some year.

The Branches

    We have branched out a lot during out last 1000 posts.  We started a long time ago with just the humble Mac that this post is being typed on, and now we have a highly successful podcast and store and we are even on Twitter and Facebook.  I mean, have you looked at all the shit on the left?  It's been a pretty great ride.

    There's been a lot of other cool stuff too, and we seriously suggest that you take some time to peruse our offerings from the last 1000 posts.  There is some good stuff in there.  I mean, there is some terrible crap in there too, but there is a lot of good stuff.  So enjoy, and we hope you stick with us for the next 1000 posts and beyond.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Our 1000th Post

This is Big Dave and Company's 1000th post.  None of us ever thought we would get this far.  Thanks to everyone who follows and reads and comments and has been kind enough to be a part of this whole thing.  We look forward to our next 1000

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Girl Scout Cookie Time

     So this is a very exciting time of the year, Company, because it is Girl Scout Cookie time.  That's right everyone, Girl Scout cookies are here, they are delivered, they are in our hands, and in my case they are already in my belly.  I love them all, or at least most of them, and I love to eat them.
     A lot of people don't understand that there is one bakery like in Louisville or something that makes all of the cookies for all of the Girl Scouts in all of the United States.  It is a rather unknown, but I am sure that if you searched around there would be a name out there somewhere.  That is a heck of a gig there, isn't it?  Can you imagine.  It would be a lot like being a tax preparer I think - a lot of nothing for many, many months and then going to town like 24/7 for a few months.
     The thing about the Girl Scout cookies is that they aren't exactly all that good.  Think about it.  I can name like six brands of cookies right off the top of my head that are better than Girl Scout cookies, and probably more if I were prodded.  The thing about Girl Scout cookies is that they have three major things that lead America to look past the general okay-ness of the cookies: cute young girls with sashes selling them, the fact that they aren't available for most of the year, and the iconic status of them.  That's right, they are just a part of the American fabric like Norman Rockwell or the Chicago Cubs.  So people buy.  And they are not usually available so people go nuts when they are.  It is the same strategy that McDonald's uses to sell the bejesus out of the shitty McRib.
     One more note about the Girl Scout Cookies: I do not like the changes.  First of all, every year there are less in a package, and every year they are a little smaller.  Pretty soon they are going to be like the mini sandwich cookies that come in a bag in the vending machine at my work.  Plus, I am not sure about the name change.  I know that it is going on like ten years or something, but Peanut Butter Patties will always be Peanut Butter Patties; Shortbreads, Shortbreads, etc.  And if anyone can tell me what a fucking Tagalong is I will give you $5.  Just kidding.  But I always thought that was the kid that followed you around without your consent when you were having adventures.  They need to go back to the old names.  That is just how it needs to be for me to be able to know what I am ordering.  Otherwise I might as well be in Russia.  At least here there are pictures on the menu.  Anyway, enjoy your cookies everyone!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Spring is Springing but Not for Me

     So, despite what the meteorologists and astronomers and pessimists tell you, I am ready to proclaim that spring is here.  In fact, I am proclaiming as such.  It is here and the sun is getting higher and the sky is a sort of different feeling blue, and things are melting and Spring is here.  Except that is, where I need to go it seems.
     See, here is the deal, Company.  I walk to work, and everywhere that I have to walk seems to be either a.) in the shade, b.) a north-facing slope, c.) under something or d.) in some sort of impenetrable valley where the sun can't touch.  So even though things are melting everywhere I was still stuck this morning slogging through three to six heavy, wet inches of snow on the ground, oh and a fine layer of super slippery ice on every paved surface, and a few that aren't.
     The stairs are my favorite part.  Because they face north and no one seems to bother shoveling them and they are concrete and not asphalt or grass, they seem to be especially resistant to the heat and high angle of the sun this time of year.  So I find myself hauling myself up the steps by the railing with my arms as if I was a paraplegic mountain climber wearing ice skates.  It was not pleasant and I am sure the people going by on the highway were getting a good laugh.  Coming home it wasn't much better, and I went down them on my size fourteen dress shows like I was going to slalom in some sort of ski race or something.
     I am not even going to talk about all the mud that is somehow lying below and around the snow and ice.  I am half thinking about taking a shovel with me tomorrow morning on my rounds just to make things passable.  But I won't.  I will just let the sun and rain that is supposedly coming do it for me.  I mean, that's the American way, isn't it?  Besides, I don't want to push spring too far ahead.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Double Trouble Sunday

     Today is such an exciting day, Company.  There is so much going on.  If you are Catholic it is the First Sunday of Lent, if you are not Catholic then it is the Second Sunday of March, it is also the first day of Daylight Savings Time, and it is Selection Sunday for those of you who, like me, get off on the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.  So let's start with Daylight Savings Time:

Daylight Savings Time: I am sure that somewhere out there in the world there are people like me who are nervous because they can never remember if their time zone should be enunciated with "ST" on the end like Mountain Standard Time (MST)or with a "DT" like Eastern Daylight Time (EDT).   Well I can tell you that as of about 2 o'clock this morning we have entered into the "DT" portion of the calendar year.  Daylight Savings Time was enacted so that we can have more daylight later in the day, with the idea that it would help save energy. What it does is make it stay light later at night, and get light later in the morning, with the rationale that the largest percentage of people are going to wake up in the morning around the same time, say 6-8 am, and go to work, and then come home like say 4-7 pm, so most people would benefit from having more light later so they can leave their house lights off.  And that will save electricity or whale oil or buffalo dung or whatever.  It has always seemed to me rather counter-intuitive (which is a big word for Sunday morning you have to admit) to have Daylight Savings Time in the summer, because that is when there is more light to be had.  If I want to save daylight at any time of the year it is going to be in the winter when there is only like 8 hours of it anyway, not in the summer when it is light until like 9 pm anyway.  But whatever.  There are lots of places in the world that do not celebrate the time change, and that is okay because from what I hear the energy savings are negligible anyway.  But it is nice of them to screw up everyone's internal clock for some antiquated reason and make every pissed off about losing an hour of sleep.

Selection Sunday:  I LOVE Selection Sunday.  This is the day where a boardroom full of National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) big wigs get together, eat pizza, and argue about who should be included in the ever-expanding field of 68 teams who get a chance to play for the National Championship in men's basketball.  And women's.  I love it because there are lots of teams who just know they are in, and there are lots of conference championship automatic bid that get sewn up in the eleventh hour, but my favorite are the teams on what they call "the bubble."  Those are the teams who don't know if they are going to be in the tournament or out of it.  Oh yeah.  Invariably, the major networks will have cameras in living rooms and arenas where these "bubble teams" watch hopefully to see where and who they will play.  When a team is in, their sweatsuit-clad players will always freak out and jump up and down and pump their fists in the air in a way that actually pre-dated Jersey Shore, and the teams that are out will sit there quietly with bad posture, with about a third of the team looking dejected, about a third looking like they are going to cry, and about a third looking as if they are going to go out and commit a felony just to get their anger out.  Well, jerkbags, maybe you should have beat University of Maryland-Eastern Shore or Auburn in November and you would have been in.
It is also the day that leads everyone on Monday to be using company resources to print out brackets and company time to fill them out, and I will admit that I will be one of those people.  And most importantly, it is the kickoff for the greatest even in all of sports.  Except for maybe the Olympics.  But the greatest yearly event.

     So as you can see, it is a pretty eventful Sunday, AND I am going to do some laundry.  So you can imagine how excited I am.  I hope you are too.  Have a wonderful day everyone!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Sleppy Daytime

I chose to end my program for a couple of hours today.
  "If it weren't for the fact that we have no gas coming into this house, I'd say that we have a very sexy carbon monoxide leak in here."
     Sorry, I just really did want to say that.  Or type it as it were.  But seriously, for as sleepy as I have been all afternoon long, there very well could be some sort of leak in here.  I am not sure what is going on but I can barely keep my eyes open, which is rare.  I mean, sometimes I am sleepy in the afternoon - once lunch starts digesting - but this is re-God-damned-diculous.
     What it has allowed my to do is something that is unparalleled in my book - take an afternoon nap.  If there would have been a sunbeam about I would have been all for taking things to another level, but as it were the couch and my fuzzy blanket did just fine. In my book there is nothing more luxurious than taking a nap in the afternoon, which I guess would make the cats the most luxurious beings that I know.  It sort of takes it down a peg when it is a weekend, but it is still sweet.
     I am not sure why it feels so decedent to sleep during the day when you have just slept all night, and I know I have touched on this before, but it just does.  Something about being lazy when you could be being so productive is just neat.  And it's okay to do once in a while.  I feel especially ritzy when I am napping on say a Wednesday afternoon, when most of the rest of world is at work being busy and worrying about stuff and I am worrying only about falling off the couch. 
     So that is what I was doing this afternoon, not so much because I wanted to but mostly because I couldn't keep my eyes open.  And for some reason while I was sleeping I was terrified that someone would find me and be upset.  But there is no reason to be upset.  A nap is a nap.  And it is fantastic.  Happy napping to you!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Cat in the Doghouse

     Here is the plan, Company: I am going to give a couple of disclaimers and then I am going to attempt to lay out in a clear, well thought-out and level-headed manner why I am currently not happy with the cat, even though very few things that I post here are well-thought out or level-headed.

     First, the disclaimers:

1.)  I prefer dogs.  I have been brought up around dogs.  I am familiar with them.  They poop outside, even though I still have to pick it up just like one has to do with cats.  But mostly I just prefer their attitue to that of cats, which I will refer to as catitude if you'd prefer.  I don't want an independent pet, okay?  I don't spend the time and money and effort in acquiring a pet for the sake of the pet, I do it for me.  I want a pet that will go where I tell it to go and do what I tell it to do when I tell it to do it.  Lots of people say that dogs are dumb, I just think they are smart enough to not bite the hand that feeds them.  I don't mean that literally though because lots of people get bitten by dogs.

2.)  I do not hate the cat, okay?  Let's get that straight.  Before everyone gets all bent out of shape and yells at me I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not hate her.  I have actually grown somewhat attached to her.  She is a sweet thing most of the time, and she is very nice and very soft.  She likes to meow a lot in a cute an affectionate sort of way, and I find that endearing.  So I don't hate her.  I am just not happy with her at the moment.  I can't stress that enough.

     Now, the supposedly well-thought out and level-headed reasons I am not happy with the cat that are probably in all actuality neither well-thought out or level-headed:

1.)  She is lazy.  I know, she's a cat.  But suffice it to say that all day yesterday she laid curled up in the chair.  During the first couple hours that I was home she raised her head once, for about five seconds.  I wanted to sit in the chair but I was nice and let her lay there and sat on the couch.

2.)  When I went to make dinner, she immediately ran in and thought that I should give her some tunafish.  She didn't do anything to deserve any tunafish.  She didn't even say hello to me.  But I have been told that denying tunafish to a cat is like the cruelest thing one can do.  So I gave some to her and some to the other cat.

3.)  When I was done putting dinner together I walked out into the living room and she was sitting there on the floor.  I scooped her up and petted her and proceeded to explain to her that she needed to earn her tunafish by letting me pick her up and pet her whenever I wanted.  She immediately began to cry and writhe around until I moved to put her down, at which time she lept out of my arms like I had been trying to strangle her.

4.)  In hind sight, she might have not wanted to be picked up because her stomach wasn't feeling good, because about five minutes later as I walked into the kitchen she proceeded to barf yellow liquid and whole chunks of unchewed tuna onto the floor.  Excuse me, the carpet.  She was like two feet from the linoleum, but she chose to ralph all over the carpet instead.  Then, she chose to watch me as I cleaned it up.

5.)  She came and laid on my lap while I was lying in bed, which was nice except she bolted as soon as Baby Doll came into bed.  She was just using me for my warmth.  Terrible.

6.)  At 4:20 am when I got up to get a drink of water and go to the bathroom I discovered that she had chosen to barf up more yellow liquid and come unchewed cat food on the carpet, but this time it was in more than one spot and directly in front of the bathroom door.  I discovered this by walking through it.  Fantastic.  So now I had cat hoark all over my feet and I was left cleaning it up from a bunch of different spots at 4:30 am.  The cat, again, watched me from the bathroom (her favorite room) while I dealt with this.

7.)  This morning when I woke up, my feet were hanging over the edge of the bed, and the cat was lying where my feet were supposed to go.

I guess that what I am getting at is that I am getting the short end of the stick here somehow.  I am losing the battle and I don't know how or why.  I am sure things will be better today when I get home.  She might actually even get up for a change.  But until then she's still in my doghouse.  No excuse for the pun.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Ash Wednesday

     I didn't give up swearing or cursing for Lent, so let me begin by saying "Holy fucking shit, I am almost at my 1000th post!"  I just happened to notice as I was clicking on the "New Post" button to start this post and I saw it said 991 posts.  That is a lot.  But we will address that later.  In like eight days or so.
     What I want to get into today is what I did give up for the Lenten holiday.  First of all, I don't like to get into religion as a general rule, and I am not going attempt to convert anyone or be converted, but I will tell you that I am Catholic - and not a particularly good one - and I observe Lent.  That is the Catholic holiday that consumes roughly the 40 days before Easter.  It begins on Ash Wednesday, which is today, and it is best known for Catholics giving something up and not being able to eat meat (sort of) on Fridays.
     Before we get into the meat (pun definitely intended) of the subject let me just say that I went to Mass this morning to get blessed and get the cross of ashes on my forehead, even though it always ends up looking more like a dirty smudge and mine always disappears as soon as I put my hat on.  I am not in it for the public display anyway so it is okay, and I am not telling you this so that I might receive comment or a pat on the back.  I am telling you this because every year when I go to Ash Wednesday Mass I learn a little something new about Lent.  This year I learned the the whole "you get Sundays off from whatever you gave up" thing is true, and I learned that Lent is actually more than 40 days long and actually ends on the Thursday before Easter, not on Easter itself.  Fascinating.
     But on to the juicy details.  Last year, I decided that instead of giving something up I was going to do something good for myself and those around me.  That did not work out so hot.  So this year I am back to giving things up, and I have chosen two traditional things: coffee and soda.
     Yep, coffee and soda, my two main forms of caffeine ingestion.  Now, this isn't as severe as one might thing.  In the morning I always have a cup or two of coffee, more to warm my bones and give me something to do while I sift through the papers, but I still sort of feel out of joint if I don't have it.  And I don't drink a whole lot of soda either, maybe a can or two a day if that.  So then why is it that I was a little cranky all day long and sort of feel like yelling at everyone that I see and making snide comments to every comment I see on the Internet?
      I don't think that I am going through caffeine withdrawl (I've done it before and it sucks) at all.  I don't think that I am extra tired and grumpy because I didn't have my coffee this morning or a soda with my PB&J at lunchtime.  I think that I am grumpy because I am just a little tired.  But I also think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am having to give something up.  There is something just souring about knowing that you have to willfully abstain from something that really isn't hurting you a whole lot just because you are supposed to.  It is a little ludicrous.  And so it makes me a little irritable.
      But I am going to do it anyway, because I feel compelled to, and because I have this habit of using Lent each year as a way to try and launch myself into being a better me.  Not sucking down coffee and soda is something that I like, that I don't really need, and that I can certainly live without.  And I always figure that if I can make the 40-plus days of what I consider Lent without them I will be able to just continue beyond Easter and delete those things from my life.  It always works well in theory but never that well in practice.  But at least I try, right?
     So we will see how tomorrow goes, when I walk into the office with my coffee mug that says "Hug Me I'm Irish" even thought I am not Irish, and I walk right past the coffee pot all gurgly and warm and right to the cold, harsh fridge to get a glass of OJ.  Not Simpson.  Orange Juice.  I think that it will be okay but you never know.  I have had lots and lots and lots and lots of week moments in the past, and I will have an equal amount in the future I am sure.  Wish me luck. And Happy Ash Wednesday.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Let's Get Bloated

These girls are celebrating both Mardi Gras AND
International Women's Day.  At least that's my story and
I'm sticking to it.
     It is Mardi Gras - Fat Tuesday - to day, Company, and while the parties are and have been in full swing in places like Rio and New Orleans and exotic Mobile, Alabama for some time, the place to be this season is the Worldwide Headquarters.
     Yes friends, I am announcing the first ever Big Dave and Company Mardi Gras Party.  I have received a large shipment of factory defect plastic children's swimming pools and we are going all out.  Since Mardi Gras is the day of the year to indulge in all of the things that you are supposed to give up for Lent there is going to be a buffet that stretches around the block, six different bars that will serve just about every type of alcohol that you can think of, several truckloads of soda (since lots of people give up caffeine) and a barista brewing up every type of coffee you can think of, including a couple that you haven't even heard of yet.
     Now, in future years there will be an ungodly amount of beads to be won by both man and woman alike by flashing whatever part they see fit - in the traditional manner.  But this year, since Mardi Gras falls on International Women's Day, there will be no beads for boobies, unless of course the boys are flashing.  So get that out of your mind but tune in next year for that part of the festivities.
     Now, you might be wondering what all the swimming pools are for.  Well that is a good questions.  After you eat and drink and (not this year) flash yourselves silly, and dance and be joyful while the DJ spins records AND the bands play, where are you going to want to flop down when you are struggling to breathe and your pants have fallen down?  Kiddie pool.  Oh yeah.  That's right.  Some will be dry and some will be filled with water, so if you want to remove your pants and take a soak that is fine.  If you just want to collapse in a pool (excuse the pun) of your own vomit, that is fine too, one of our many dry factory reject swimming pools will contain the mess.  While you are basking in your pool, our staff of  dedicated by force Unpaid Interns will throw confetti on you and make sure you do not drown.  Now that's a Mardi Gras to remember.
      I know that this sounds more like a Morningwood Estate promotion, but that place is far to stately for this type of celebration.  This will be held at the Worldwide Headquarters, where you can frolic and indulge and enjoy life without worry of judgement or hidden cameras on a live feed to a website where people will pay to see what kind of hedonism goes on.  Nope, none of that.  Just Mardi Gras in your own backyard, or in my own backyard to be more precise.  Enjoy, it's forty days before the fun starts again.

Monday, March 07, 2011

We Are Trying Too Hard

    So I was wandering about the Internet the other day and I stumbled upon the following headline:

"Australia and US affirm warm ties"

     Now I didn't read the article, and I have never had a reason to question my home nation's relationship with the Commonwealth of Australia, but I read that headline and I immediately thought to myself "That's not good."
      I don't know a whole lot most of the time, but in my few years on this Earth I have been able to learn a few things, one of which is that the person who takes the biggest pains to tell you something is often the one person who lacks in whatever way they are boasting about.  For example, the guy always talking about the large size of his penis is usually the one with the small penis.  You never hear those porn guys talking about the size of their member, do you?  I mean, every time you see one of those odd celebrity couples on Oprah or Larry King or some other goofy television show boasting about how in love they are and how great things are going don't you automatically throw the bullshit flag?  I do.  You don't go on television to talk about your love when you are in love, you just go about being in love.  You don't jump around on a couch talking about how much you love your life unless you are seriously worried about if you love your wife.
Australia is so much more than this, US.  Can't you see?
     So I immediately wondered what we did to piss off Australia.  See, when you have people in suits from your country hanging around with people in suits from other countries going on and on about your friendship relating to important issues of the day that they really should be standing shoulder to shoulder on just because it is right, that is not good.  That means that the world would question if you were on the same side.  See, the United States and Australia have to get together and say "We think blowing up the oceans is bad" because things aren't going well and we need to pick something that everyone knows is bad and confirm it so it seems like we are on the same page.  Never mind that behind the scenes we have eleventy billion warheads pointed at one another and we have already been deciding who gets the '84 LTD and who gets stuck with the Geo Metro, and who gets the National League commemorative plastic baseball helmets and who gets the AL. 
I don't believe this man is in love.
     There must be something going on between the former English colonies on opposite sides of the globe.  They are all heading into autumn I suppose, and driving around on the left side of the road and hanging out with their friends South Africa and New Zealand and probably suntanning while their water swirls the opposite direction of ours.  Meanwhile, we are up here freezing our asses off and waiting for spring to roll around while England and Canada watch Castle and Mexico continues to have a domestic dispute next door and neither of us are jiving at all.  So we go out in public just to keep up appearances and say "Human rights are good.  We support the Geneva convention" and hold hands in a way that says we don't want to be holding hands.
     Australia and the United States will be just fine.  We always are.  We have never turned on each other in a way that time and diplomacy couldn't repair.  We will be back to quietly being friends again soon, where everyone just sort of knows that we roll in the same posse.  I mean, we won't be tight and click-y like all those European Union countries but we never were.  We always just sort of existed in our own special realm, in a way that worked for us.  And we will get back to that.  You will know once we stop talking about it.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Lil Wayne vs. The Lil Girls

     I wasn't exactly sure how to go about starting this post, because I always like to start it in a sort of interesting and snappy way, with a little tease to get you interested or to lead you the wrong way to sort of make you confused and heighten the tension.  But I couldn't figure out a way to do that here today so I am just going to start is like this:
     Rapper and record label owner Lil Wayne has been accused of using lyrics in his song that degrade women and promote drug use.
     Well no shit.  A rapper using lyrics that promote drug use and degrade women?  I refuse to believe it.  Next thing you know you are going to tell me that cows shit a lot and that doctors make a lot of money.  I can't believe that a young rapper from the streets would swear and use drugs and degrade women.  Now, I am not saying necessarily that Lil Wayne does those things, because I don't know him and I have never been invited over to hang out with him and he have never accepted my invitation to come over to the Worldwide Headquarters to have milk and cookies and play Wii.  But the fact that he would use those sorts of ideas in a song that is part of a culture that is rife with those sorts of ideas doesn't shock me.  This shouldn't surprise anyone.
     What should surprise everyone is who was surprised by the lyrics to Lil Wayne's song "I'm Single."  He was called to task for his lyrics by three young girls from Baltimore who are involved in the music business themselves.  Their names are Nia, Nya, and Kamaria (because apparently they couldn't think of another letter to go between "n" and "a" and make a name) aged 10,9, and 5, respectively, and they make up a music group that you have never heard of called Watoto from The Nile.
    Apparently they heard "I'm Single" on the radio and were astonished by how many of the lyrics were bleeped out because they were offensive, profane, or inappropriate.  So they came up with a song of their own called "Letter to Lil Wayne" in which they question is lyrics and methods.  They released it on an independent label somewhere and have managed to get a lot of free publicity out of it.
     There has been, of course, a lot of response to their little song.  Most of it positive from people who support what they have to say, and the way in which they said it.  They are almost overly respectful in their song, calling Lil Wayne "Mister" and "Sir" over and over and over, and they ask him some pertinent questions - including but not limited to - who they should listen to regarding drug use, Lil Wayne or the people who are telling them to avoid drugs, and if he speaks to his daughter the way he speaks about women in his songs.  Valid points to be sure.
     There has been some negative response as well, from people who have made threats to the girls and their family to other rappers, including someone I have never heard of named Chase Million$$$ who rapped back with a song called "Letter to Watoto From the Nile" in which he correctly states "There's some things you won't understand because you're just a child."  And he has a good point.  Kids don't always understand.  But at least these kids are getting some sort of input from somewhere that leads them to question the things that they don't think are right, and the courage to do something about it.
     Now, I am not coming out in support of or in opposition to either side of this issue.  I don't think that anyone is in the wrong here.  Do I support using drugs and demeaning women just because they are women?  No, you won't see my typing out that it is okay to do those things.  But am I ragging on Lil Wayne for the lyrics he puts in his songs?  Of course not, he's not Rush or U2.  He can do what he wants, and he has every right to cater to what he thinks his industry demands.  Plus, let's be honest, there are lots of bad messages that those girls are getting every day if they are listening to the kind of radio station that would play "I'm Single."  So they need to be able to filter out what is what.  But at least they are willing and able to speak their minds.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Take A Walk On the Wild Side

     So, earlier this week, I started walking to work.  Again.  I live like six blocks away, and I just couldn't bring myself to drive there any longer.  Now I will drive under certain circumstances - like if I have somewhere to go at lunchtime or maybe if it is pouring rain.  But most of the time I am like the Postal Service and I am always on foot.  Over the bridge, through the park, under the bridge, across the parking lot, down the street, and into work.  Simple.  Easy.
     There is something about it though, that sort of always makes me smile.  See, there aren't a lot of people at my work who walk there.  It is very much an automobile-centric sort of place, and so it has apparently caused quite a stir that I am hoofing it.  People gawk at me.  Most of them wave but a lot of them sort of look at me like something is wrong.  Lots of them offer me rides, which is really nice and which I actually do take them up on from time to time.  Especially when it is super cold or rainy out.
      It just makes me laugh that I am such a circus attraction just walking down the street.  It is not like when I was new to town and the cops were following me around and people were asking me why I was walking down their street, this is much nicer and more benign.  And I sort of like it in a way, it just makes me crack a smile.  I am just walking down the street.  On the sidewalk.  That's what it is made for.  And my walk to work probably takes less time than your drive.  So settle.  I am fine.  Thank you though.  I just hope you don't all wig out when I start riding my bike.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Podcast Update: 9-2011: Free Money and Generic Foodstuffs

     This week it is an all-new Podcast, as the boys delve into the world of money and just how you should spend it.  First it is a special news article from Down Under featuring free money flowing out of Australian ATMs.  Then it is on to someone who has earned their money but are giving it away for reasons that the boys just don't quite get.  To wrap it up they tell you what you can spend a little extra on at the grocery store. Tune in at left or on iTunes today!

The Ties that Bind

    So, I don't know if you know this, Company, but I recently went ahead and moved the Worldwide Headquarters, and as part of it I was moving all of my clothes.  That includes all of my dress clothes and hats and ties.  I don't remember if I have ever told you this, but I love ties.  I love to pick them out.  I love to buy them.  Hell, I even love to wear them around my neck - this applies to neckties only - and I love the way they look on me.  So you can imagine my state of mind when I thought that I had left them behind at the old Worldwide Headquarters.
      Yeah, and it was double because ties for me - you know, the ones made especially for fat and tall people - are a little expensive, and I didn't want to have to go out and buy a bunch of new ones.  I didn't become a media mogul with my own Worldwide Headquarters and nuclear powered former aircraft carrier yacht without pinching a few pennies and not spending on things I shouldn't have lost, right?  So I was freaking out.
     I keep my many, many ties on a special tie and belt hanger in the closet, and it wasn't in my new closet, and I didn't remember packing it for the move.  So I used my formidable deductive reasonsing skills to determine that they were left hanging all alone in the closet that the building formerly known as the Worldwide Headquarters.  So I crept over there - and by crept I mean drove - over there in the middle of the night - and by middle of the night I mean an hour after dark or so.  So I go over there and I am in and out like some sort of government special forces unit.  I have all the credentials, right?  No one sees me.  I was driving a black SUV.  I operated completely in the darkness with no lights being turned on.  I had a black suit with white shirt on and black sunglasses.  No necktie though.
     In I go and out I come, having discovered that there is nothing in the bedroom closet except for the obscenely long coaxial cable that comes out through the floor.  No neckties.  Now I am beginning to panic.  What the hell could have happened to them?  Where did they go?  Did Samantha wriggle her nose and take them for Darren?  I briefly considered that I may have lost them along the way; that they were lying frozen in a snowbank somewhere or had fallen out into the road.  I also immediately jumped to the conclusion that someone had taken them from the old HQ, perhaps the landlord.  She had done her walkthrough earlier in the day and although I was pretty sure that she wouldn't look in the closets I just assumed that she had an poached my neckties.
     Not true.  And I knew it.  After I got my head on straight I just sort of assumed that I had packed them away somewhere in a box that had yet to be opened.  No big deal, except that I have about eleventy billion boxes stacked in the garage, and I had no idea in which of them my stuff could be.  I wasn't about to begin searching through them all for my ties.  But what if I had a fancy pants event to attend?  What if I had a special date nite?  I was conflicted.
      Luckily for me, things shook out.  I was investigating a large gray shopping bag that was sitting in the corner of the back bedroom at the new Worldwide Headquarters.  Inside I knew were a bunch of my baseball-style caps that I like to wear in the summertime in order to shield my face from the intense media pressure that I face every day.  Also to keep people from seeing my bald head.  In that bag, mixed in with all the hats like a swarm of garden snakes, were all my ties.  Or at least the ones that I was going to be keeping.  I was overjoyed.  My ties were back.  I could wear them around again.  I didn't have to get all new ones.  They are currently ensconsed safely in the mess that it my closet.  And keep your hands off them.  They are mine, and now that I know where they are I will treasure them forever.  I do like the ties you know.